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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to object to my mother-in-law visiting after bedtime on school nights?

83 replies

boymam25 · 16/06/2026 10:33

AIBU to not want my mother-in-law calling over after kids' bedtime on a school night? Context is this. I have a highly anxious, very spirited, little 4 year old who is a lot of work and an 8 month old baby. My husband works long hours and I'm often here by myself with the 2 kids for stretches of 10 hours plus. Sometimes bedtime is just me, sometimes DH is home to help. Baby is teething at present and 4 year old is going through his own stuff starting "big school" at the end of summer. Anyway, the time between 8.30 and 9.30 is the only time of the day I see DH. I was actually crying last night to my husband after a v stressful time when in walks MIL for a visit. Nearly 9pm. I'm sitting there in my pjs and can barely extend a welcome. I feel she knew it was inappropriate to come in as she made some odd comment about my nail varnish as she sat time, purely out of awkwardness. AIBU to want that hour of the day to myself?? I feel like she has no regard for our relationship and honestly, after she left, we ended up having a row about something totally unrelated as I was so burnt out.

OP posts:
Velumental · 16/06/2026 19:05

Pistachiocake · 16/06/2026 13:56

Get her to do the bedtime routine! She feels happy and needed, you get to relax.

It's after bedtime. Kids have been in bed for several hours. Also no way my kids would want mil doing their bedtime routine which I think is the case for a lot of kids.

Velumental · 16/06/2026 19:03

YourShyLion · 16/06/2026 11:02

I'd be more concerned about a 4yr old who is highly anxious and still going through stuff all this time after starting school.

Due to start school in August. And you don't mean you'd be more concerned you mean you'd judge it, your a mil and you think the dil is in the wrong. However you've misread

RedTulip86 · 16/06/2026 19:00

Tell “D”H that either he’ll ask her (nicely) or you’ll tell her.
Then wait.

If she comes again then don’t let her in or if she’s let in by your “DH” say your piece and leave them.

You don’t “pop in” to people’s houses that late at night family of not!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/06/2026 18:52

If you can’t get DH to set some boundaries, I’d message saying “I hope you didn’t think I was unfriendly the other night Janet. By 9pm I’m exhausted and it’s the only time I ever really get to see DH so it’s just not a good time to visit”.

WeatherOrNothing · 16/06/2026 18:46

Yanbu, you really can tell the type of person by the stuff they do. Where is her brains? At that time the kids need to be winding down and bed, you catch up with your dh. Not sit and entertain his mother who just saw him 2 days ago. Be rude to her the next time she comes, make her feel uncomfortable and awkward

BauhausOfEliott · 16/06/2026 15:21

I'm really bad at confrontation

It's your husband who needs have the confrontation, not you. He's the one who is actually enabling all this. It's his bloody mother, not yours! He needs to stop answering the door to her.

Rhaidimiddim · 16/06/2026 14:42

TheyGrewUp · 16/06/2026 11:14

If my MIL had form for that, DH would probably be waiting outside Holloway soon, for my release.

@boymam25 your DH needs to have a word "mum, we love seeing you, but please stop dropping in after 6pm. It's bed, bath, stories and OUR time".

This. Absolutely this. DH needs to get through to her that she can't expect to drop in uninvited, especially at a time that she has been told doesn't work for you as a family.

He needs to greet her at the door and tell her you're all busy and she can't come in.

Pistachiocake · 16/06/2026 13:56

Get her to do the bedtime routine! She feels happy and needed, you get to relax.

boymam25 · 16/06/2026 13:39

C8H10N4O2 · 16/06/2026 11:58

I’m a widow, I wasn’t separated and had no warning of impending widowhood - I would no sooner barge in on any of my DC/families than I would barge in on the neighbours without warning.

Some people are selfish - its nothing to do with age, background or wealth IME. Your DH needs to find his spine and tell her that its either a reasonable arrangement or visits to her place only.

I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks for your advice x

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 16/06/2026 11:58

boymam25 · 16/06/2026 10:58

I'm really bad at confrontation but I do think it's required here and that you're right. The issue is that she is a very difficult person. She would not see the issue calling round at that time because she figures I'd be going to bed soon with the baby anyway. Yes, she is widowed, but had been separated for 20 years before his death so she is used to not having someone around all the time... thanks for reply.

I’m a widow, I wasn’t separated and had no warning of impending widowhood - I would no sooner barge in on any of my DC/families than I would barge in on the neighbours without warning.

Some people are selfish - its nothing to do with age, background or wealth IME. Your DH needs to find his spine and tell her that its either a reasonable arrangement or visits to her place only.

BlackCat14 · 16/06/2026 11:56

boymam25 · 16/06/2026 11:15

It's regular enough. Prob once or twice a week. She sees us at weekends mostly and sees my 4 year old once a week separate to me and baby I'd say.

Wait so she comes around at 9pm once or twice a week???? I absolutely would not have this. How long has this gone on for? Have you told your husband you’re not happy with this? He needs to tell her to stop.

Isittimeformynapyet · 16/06/2026 11:36

boymam25 · 16/06/2026 11:15

Thank you. Yeah, he needs to balls up here.

"Balls up" (or "balls-up") is a British slang phrase that means to spoil, mess up, or completely bungle a task or situation"

Morepositivemum · 16/06/2026 11:17

pees I’d love dm / dmil to call over for a chat at night, when we lived closer we could do this and it was nice but if you find it tough then just arrange a day you’ll see her instead, that or give her some folding or a job to do to help out when she calls over

boymam25 · 16/06/2026 11:17

YourShyLion · 16/06/2026 11:02

I'd be more concerned about a 4yr old who is highly anxious and still going through stuff all this time after starting school.

Thanks. Sorry, bit of confusion here. He's still in preschool... a lot of anxiety about starting in primary school in September is what I meant.

OP posts:
boymam25 · 16/06/2026 11:15

TheyGrewUp · 16/06/2026 11:14

If my MIL had form for that, DH would probably be waiting outside Holloway soon, for my release.

@boymam25 your DH needs to have a word "mum, we love seeing you, but please stop dropping in after 6pm. It's bed, bath, stories and OUR time".

Thank you. Yeah, he needs to balls up here.

OP posts:
boymam25 · 16/06/2026 11:15

HumberSquid · 16/06/2026 10:46

Was it a 1 off or is it a regular thing? Does she see you at other times? Was there a particular reason for her visit?

Basically YANBU but a little context would help.

It's regular enough. Prob once or twice a week. She sees us at weekends mostly and sees my 4 year old once a week separate to me and baby I'd say.

OP posts:
TheyGrewUp · 16/06/2026 11:14

If my MIL had form for that, DH would probably be waiting outside Holloway soon, for my release.

@boymam25 your DH needs to have a word "mum, we love seeing you, but please stop dropping in after 6pm. It's bed, bath, stories and OUR time".

boymam25 · 16/06/2026 11:12

Strawberrryfields · 16/06/2026 10:44

Who visits unannounced at 9pm?! Very strange and inconsiderate behaviour.

Does she live on the same street or something? Does she work shifts? Is it your husband she’s coming to see at that time? Is she lonely? Trying to see how she may think this is ok - it’s not - but just find this such an odd thing to do!

Sorry you’re having a stressful time with the kids at the moment 🙁

Thanks so much. She is very inconsiderate. Sometimes very unaware of others' needs. Selfish, basically. She lived 10 mins away. She's retired. DH and kids only saw her Sunday so it wasn't as if it had been ages. Prob is husband she wants to see... she's prob disappointed that I'm still up when she comes in. Which, in a weird way, I get. I'm now a Mam of 2 boys so that makes this tough for me. I may one day be in her shoes wanting to see my babies!

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 16/06/2026 11:08

YourShyLion · 16/06/2026 11:02

I'd be more concerned about a 4yr old who is highly anxious and still going through stuff all this time after starting school.

I read it as the 4 yr old will be starting school this September.
Regardless that’s off topic of the central issue which is that the Op wants time to decompress in peace.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 16/06/2026 11:08

YourShyLion · 16/06/2026 11:02

I'd be more concerned about a 4yr old who is highly anxious and still going through stuff all this time after starting school.

Starting school this September. So presumably doing some “preparing for school” stuff etc at pre school.

Edenmum2 · 16/06/2026 11:08

YourShyLion · 16/06/2026 11:02

I'd be more concerned about a 4yr old who is highly anxious and still going through stuff all this time after starting school.

He starts school in September, but I get the confusion because of the ‘after school’ in the thread title

Isittimeformynapyet · 16/06/2026 11:07

motheroftwonotsolittleones · 16/06/2026 11:04

Bloody hell I hit unreasonable again as I scrolled down!
I want to say you are being unreasonable.

You'll need to tell her. Just say, we enjoy you coming around, but not so late at night and give her a time when it's okay to visit.

So you hit the right one?

motheroftwonotsolittleones · 16/06/2026 11:04

Bloody hell I hit unreasonable again as I scrolled down!
I want to say you are being unreasonable.

You'll need to tell her. Just say, we enjoy you coming around, but not so late at night and give her a time when it's okay to visit.

YourShyLion · 16/06/2026 11:02

I'd be more concerned about a 4yr old who is highly anxious and still going through stuff all this time after starting school.

boymam25 · 16/06/2026 11:01

murasaki · 16/06/2026 10:36

How did she get in? Lock your door. I'd hate it too.

I actually locked the door recently at around 8 and unfortunately when she arrived she could see me changing the baby through the window and so DH opened the door ...

OP posts: