AIBU to object to my mother-in-law visiting after bedtime on school nights?

...DH should be doing this, not OP. It's his mother.

Id just piss off upstairs.

Then moan to DH every time.

It's not just a single visit though is it if you read OPs posts?

Go over especially to have a cup of tea with MIL.

Thank her for her visits and add honest detail - that after dinner, unless it's a real emergency, eats into the only couple time you and DH have so could she please stop visiting after 6 pm..

Go on and give her a time that you find is best for you. Feedback given politely will inform her of what is appropriate.

Would the language pedants like to take a day off?

DH needs to tell her not to do it.

Your dh needs to tell her if she wants to come over midweek do it at 6.45 and mind the baby for 2 hours while you put the oldest down and have a shower / cup or tea.

I don’t think every couple in the county cut themselves off by default at 8:30pm simply just being in a couple.

You and dh need to be singing from the same hymn sheet, and if she calls round, just refuse entry. The only reason she’s calling around is because you’re permitting it. Start refusing entry.

I think this is a massive overreaction for what seems to be a single visit. Your tone is as though she’s trying to come over every night at 8pm but it’s one time.
You or your DH can just tell her it’s too late to visit at that time in the future.

Talk to your husband. Either invite her over early once a week to help with bed time, then she gets to see husband after; or get husband to visit her once a week after he has helped with bedtime; or just see her weekends. I think she just wants to see her son and is probably lonely, but this would have driven me crazy too!! The fact that its unannounced, and more than once a week, makes it far worse too!! I remember how tired I was after a day alone with kids.

Is she popping round to see DH as you mention she knows you will be going to bed soon?
He needs to either stop her coming to you, or discuss going over to her for a visit.

Probably won't be the right thing to say, but would she be helpful if she came earlier to help with the children (as you mention finding it stressful sorting things alone).

She needs to be told. Could you invite her round to help with tea and bed time?

Anxiety about school comes from the parent and pre school attitude towards it. Stop bigging it up, treat it like a non consequential thing and every time he mentions it be positive "you'll get new toys" "there will be new friends". Don't talk about it unless he does.

It isn't about you and what you would like.

Did you mean to sound so smug and superior in all your posts?

Any time can be couple's time. My mum or MIL coming over a couple of times a week at any time is perfectly welcome, but then I come from a culture with strong family values.

You’re nuts. That time of day must be couples time for practically every couple in the country, whether they live with extended family or not.

OP I’d lock the door and draw the curtains too.

Honestly, it is really sad how the dominant culture in this country have eradicated any semblance of family outside of the 1 or 2 kids they create.

Why would he want to stop his mum.visiting?

It sounds like he would be better suited to someone who lives in more of a extended family. This individualism isn't right for everyone where your mum has to make an appointment to come round. There is no way either of us would take issue at any of our parents popping round at any time. It is why we live close to them.

Why on earth would she decide it’s ok to rock up at that time. Let’s face it, most people don’t want a visit from someone on a mid week evening when they have a limited time to chill after the kids go to bed.

Once or twice a week??!
Time for your DH to Summon His Spine.
If he cannot do that, I'd be saying things like oh, if you're coming by this evening, please come at 7 , you can put DC to bed while DH and I go out for a couple hours, thanks , byeeeeeee. 😁
Or anyway, I'd be getting very blunt. That's completely not on.

Read one or two lines. Don't need the rest. You never need a reason for sharing your availability with friends and family. Especially where they feel comfortable working around their own schedule and their own preference. Just share your schedule and ask which of your days and times suits them.

Now you have been allowing this, it could be awkward changing it without causing offence, as it will make her feel like she did something wrong, when you could and should have just said no.

Phrase it as 'I need to switch up my schedule due to X, here are my days/times, let me know what suits and I'll prioritise you before sharing with others'.

The overriding question here for me is why on earth has your Dh, seeing how knackered you are and how it’s driving you mad, not yet told her a firm no? Who calls round at 9pm?! I’d be appalled.

Oh dear, this is not a good set up. We literally moved cities to escape in-laws and what a relief no longer having pop ins etc. Invite only here these days!

100%. You need to get that nipped in the bud.

That time after the chaos of getting kids settled is essential to your health and well-being. Different if MIL was actively wanted but sounds like a nuisance.

It does get easier as time moves on but you’re in the trenches right now so do what you need to do.

I'm always up for unexpected visitors and find the outrage on here about them really bizarre. But even I draw the line at turning up that late at night. It's ridiculous, even without the baby/child and just plain ignorant.