AIBU to object to my mother-in-law visiting after bedtime on school nights?

If this has been going on for once or twice a week for a while then why the fuck haven’t you or your DH said something to her?!
You don’t need to be confrontational, you just need to explain that once the kids are bathed and in bed, it’s yours and DH’s time to chill out and chat about your day.
Honestly, the amount of people that can’t communicate with people is staggering.

Oh fuck that. Not just ILs but any visitors after 6 can feck off

Any one instance of unwanted drop-in visit is bad enough.

If your husband doesn’t have a problem with it and is just going to let her in, then it’s him you have the problem with.

Thats isnt relevant, though. OP is finding it difficult for objective reasons.

It's always better if you can be united with your partner about these things. I also agree with PP, it might be easier for him to visit her some of the time while you relax at home.

As for the starting school anxiety, that's pretty normal and most of the time parents get them through it by listening but trying to be positive. It's not a reason to kick the can down the road by delaying them for a year.

Except it can’t be couple time any time because people have work, children to be putting to bed, dinner to eat and kitchens to clean.

This MiL gets to see her grandchildren quite a bit by all accounts. She’s not excluded, the OP would just like her to come round at a time which is mutually agreeable.

@boymam25 just out of interest what time does she tend to leave?

I would hate this. Your DH needs to have a word and ask her to check before calling round - and maybe he needs to be more proactive about calling / visiting her by himself or with the kids.

re the anxious child, I found a book called “helping your child with fears and worries” by Cathy Creswell and Lucy Willets very helpful.

I wouldn't have an issue with it, either now or when my kids were tiny. But I'm a night owl and rarely went to bed before midnight even when the kids were waking hourly. Certainly as a one off I wouldn't think it's a big deal, but I think a quick heads up phone call would be polite.

Given it's more frequent than that, maybe discuss it with your husband and come up with a compromise. I don't think there's any need for a row about it. Given your mum lives near baby your husband can pop over there in the evening instead?

That sounds perfect.

Tell her. I’ve told my in laws outright that we don’t have visitors after 8pm, so they need to leave by then. When I had my baby 4 months ago they sat on my sofa every day for weeks until 9pm sometimes, waiting to be offered a hold. Protect your peace

There was a SATC episode where Charlotte had this problem and it was solved by mil walking in whilst her and husband were having sex.

Get a ring doorbell, and close the curtains early. I just wouldn't answer the door.

Does he need to start in September? Can you give him another year to enjoy pre school.

Your DH needs to speak to her and say that, whilst you all love seeing her, the evening is an inappropriate time for a visit so no more calling around unannounced at that time.

And if she could please communicate with you when she wishes to pop over at other times, that would be best.

It definitely needs to be done ASAP and it needs to come from him so it's not 'you' getting the blame, it's a collective decision.

I always wonder how these folk that consider everything a drip feed communicate with each other. Do they begin with a long speech that includes every detail and half their life story and then refuse to answer any follow up questions?

She didn't drip feed, she was asked a question about how regular it happened

I totally understand you feeling done, and I couldn't have visitors at that time, but whilst it is your only time of the day with him, it's also his only free time that he has so it's also the only time of day he can see his mother too. As a compromise maybe he can stop by for a quick visit to her once a week, so that it doesn't bother you because I can see why you don't want guests at that time, but he might want to see her/be a support for her too as she's on her own.

What's your DH's stance on this ? Would he stick up for his mum if you said to him how you feel or have you already told him and if so how did he react ?
My DH used to work away during the week so we only had Fri pm and Sat and Sun to ourselves.
One of his adult sons would visit on a Sat, one on a Sun. Both lived nearby and there was no reason why they couldn't both visit on same weekend day, in fact they often swapped round, SS1 visiting on Sat , SS2 on a Sun, then the other way round. Always middle of the day and stayed hours so DH didn't want to go anywhere when he knew one would be visiting . I would suggest us going somewhere and he would make some excuse to stay in instead, then when one turned up l would know the real reason. Then one would want go for a drink with his dad on a Sat, they would ask the other but he would say no but I'll meet you tomo night instead dad.
I kicked off eventually and insisted DH tell them we were going out for the day on one w/e day and that we were going out on one of the w/e nights, just me and him. They weren't happy, even though still had plenty of opportunity to spend time with him to go at. They are close, get on well etc. so not as if trying to avoid each other either.
It almost seemed planned , especially by one of SS's.

Like me, l think you have a DH problem even though the other relative(s) are behaving inconsiderately.

We had problems with BIL and SIL dropping in for Sunday lunch most weeks, so I changed the time we ate. Only had to do it really a couple of times, but it suited our family time better, so we continued. They never came again uninvited.

Thing is you also have a DH problem because he lets her in when she arrives. HE needs to say that it is no longer convenient for her to visit in the week now that you have young children and one is starting school - and certainly not after 6pm - so they will have to make a plan for weekend visits only.

It will be hard for him as I suspect she has weaponised her single status and widowhood to manipulate your DH throughout his life - to some extent it can be a form of long term, low level but nonetheless pernicious abuse (coercive control). She actually does sound as though she has narcissistic personality traits, hence her being difficult. He needs to face this and may even need to consider some counselling to help him un pick and push back against her behaviour. But in essence - it is your home, your time, your children you are trying to manage and your time with your partner - especially in the evening - and she is not welcome at that time. YOU don’t have to accept it, so don’t.

You may need to start with a text: ‘just a heads up, now kids are getting older and more challenging, it doesn’t work for us for you to come over in the evenings during the week. Please do not call in until the weekend. DH will contact you to arrange a time that works for the children. Have a good week.’

I mean, DC or no DC, I would say 9pm is too late for any visitors. Very strange behaviour.

All OPs drip feed.

Also, it's very easy to read OP posts before joining in the conversation.

Perhaps the OP shouldn’t drip feed information then. Once a week is hardly crazy either. I wonder what the DH’s perspective is.

Can't you read?