AIBU to make excuses for dd’s mean friend?

Friendship groups tend to split and change in sixth form. Your daughter is frightened of challenging the mean girl but really needs to take the oxygen out of the situation in a calm way.

Personally, I’d get your dd to say something. ‘Why do you feel the need to have a go at me? I’d really like to know.’
I’d say it nicely enough, and preferably with others present.

And if she comes back with, ‘I was just joking!’ I’d reply, ‘Well, it really isn’t funny.’

Edited to add, I suffered a lot from bullying by a really horrible girl at senior school, but thank goodness it had largely stopped by the time we were in the 6th form. She went on to be a primary teacher - I’ve often felt for any poor children unlucky enough to be in her classes.

Exactly - she needs to learn to be resilient

I'm not sure I agree with this tbh. Young women (in particular) are so apt to be expected to tolerate unkind or insensitive behaviour in the name of "being kind" or keeping up with the right crowd. If I'd learned a bit of spine when I was in my teens I would have saved myself a lot of shit in later life.

Being empathetic and aware of someone's personal challenges doesn't mean you have to become a doormat. To the extent that you're involved with this at all, I'd be encouraging your daughter to have firm boundaries and a developed sense of self-esteem, rather than encouraging her to put up with a toxic friend.

I think you would best support her by telling her that what her friend is dealing with may be a reason for her behaviour (or not), but it is not an excuse to treat people poorly. Encourage your daughter to have strong boundaries and not tolerate bad behaviour toward her by this friend, or anyone else. She doesn't have to 'be kind' because someone is having a tough time of it. She can still be supportive while not putting up with any nonsense.

No, your daughter is not that girls therapy or punching bag. It isn't acceptable.

You sound more sensible than most on here!

However I would put money on the fact she doesn’t like your daughter and it suits to sometimes speak to her and sometimes not. That’s what people are like.

Your DD is now in a position to learn to navigate this - she doesn’t have to confront her but she needs to learn how to bounce back from things like this or she will end up like half of the women on here, agonising about people not including them and wondering why.

They are almost adults - did you miss that bit?

Why are you protecting your child’s BULLY?!!

Short of leaving the group, what do you suggest though? They are almost adults, do you want the OP to go and speak to the parent? The DD will come across plenty of people in her life that she finds difficult so it’s a good time to learn resilience, before she starts working.

I just feel as if my dd has become someone who this girl takes her anger out on and I want to find a rationale for it.

Stop playing cool mum and support your dd.

Except the only answer to the ‘MN favourite’ is ‘yes actually I did. It’s not the clever line people think

Ok. It just sounded like you were trying to excuse other girl’s behaviour, due to her background, and letting her get away with the bullying, rather getting your daughter to stand up for her self.

Can your daughter speak up, and ask why friend is being mean to her, or use the mn favourite expression, ‘did you mean to be do rude?!’.

“I just feel as if my dd has become someone who this girl takes her anger out on and I want to find a rationale for it.”

So you’re permitting your dd to be a punchbag!

Of course - it’s hard to process, especially at that age.

I think schools are kinder places now which is great but it does tend to come as a shock when kids start to see that not everyone puts a premium on being kind and inclusive.

I am GenX and, whilst the bullying was shit, we also learnt very young that people may not like you/be nice to you, and I think it gives you a certain resilience through life.

My DD is slightly older, in year 10. She’s always had nice sensible friends. At the start of this academic year she started hanging around with someone new. No idea why, she said she simply felt sorry for the girl who was having a tough time at home and also was ostracised at school. I thought it was quite sweet of DD but was also wary because my DS is in the year above and said her sister in his year is in trouble constantly and they’re kind of well known generally for misbehaving. I advised DD to be cautious but what can you do, you can’t police their friendships really. Also I was like you and thought it wasn’t fair to tar her with the same brush as her sister.

Lo and behold a couple of months later she started lashing out at my DD. It started with threats on Snapchat out of nowhere - my sister and I are going to get you, just wait and see. Then one morning her and her sister were waiting for DD and threw a bottle of water all over her. This was bad enough but they then got excluded as a result and sent home, they waited outside school for DD and started hitting and kicking her. Had to get the police involved. She’s been consistently excluded ever since, DD obviously has nothing to do with her now. She does have a shit home life- abject poverty, parents don’t work, lots and lots of siblings (I think 10) and they don’t care about their kids.

This long anecdote is to basically say, your sympathy and pity for the girl can only go so far. She’s having a tough time but in turn is giving your DD one too. Your DD doesn’t deserve this and also should come first for you. The friendship is toxic.

I think it explains her behaviour and I certainly wouldn't think a teenager in her circumstances was a bad person for being horrible to other people when they had so much going on at home. Teens don't always have the tools or ability to manage difficult emotions and can lash out in the wrong way.

That doesn't mean that it's something your daughter should accept being on the receiving end of though. How bad are the comments? Do you think it amounts to bullying?