Am I being abusive?

He has said this morning he will move under duress but won’t help pack, etc. and he will only sleep and see the children in the new house. He won’t be in it.

So where does he plan to live? is he going back to Mummy's?

In any event, that seems to me a clear signal to start getting your own legal advice with a view to divorce.

What a selfish man.

He's trying to steal your money and calling you abusive when you offer a very sensible alternative.

Then your solution can be to divorce him and take half of his pension. He obviously thinks that your savings, your rental home and your wages are his but his pension isn't yours.

The age difference makes it clear that there is a power imbalance in your marriage and he calls all the shots.

I had no idea I was being abused until my GP told me. Psychological abuse creeps up on you. My abuser was very clever (PhD) and clever people can be incredibly good at manipulation. I’m no fool either - I have a degree.

He is financially abusing you. He is making absolutely no contribution either financially or to family life and blaming everything on you. How hands-on is he with your children? I'm assuming that him renting an office elsewhere means that he can't do housework or childcare.

Speak to a solicitor to see what he would be entitled to if you split up.

I think it would alsp be a good idea to document how much of your savings have already been 'invested' into his business, or at least how much have been burned through supporting him. Maybe it will make him see, or maybe it will bring it home to you how much of your children's money has been wasted on him.

Well it’s obviously not controlling and abusive to ask to discuss finances. It is a perfectly reasonable, indeed vital thing for a couple to discuss.

What would be abusive would be, for example, monitoring every penny your partner spends or trying to prevent them having access to money.

To be honest, he might actually bbe being abusive or controlling to you. Are you getting threatened for trying to discuss finances? Eg “if you mention it again, I’ll leave you.”.

exDP abused me. He normally accused me of his faults Eg he was very fond of telling me I was lazy becuase the house was a mess but when I tied to tidy and clean, I would ask him to put away his shoes and letters etc that were scattered all over rhe floor and he would ignore me and carry on watching TV. He would also actively sabotage my work, so for example while I was cleaning the kitchen floor, he would decide it was the right moment to walk around the kitchen in his muddy wellies

This pretty much sums up what I was going to say.

But remember that the OP would have to halve her assets- her rental house worth 100k etc. If his business isn’t making money, no assets there either, so she’s the one who will be giving up a lot.

Please protect your money and investments. Do not allow this man any access to them. They are your future and your children's future. Thank goodness your kids have one parent with their head screwed on.

You might be thinking that the posters calling for divorce are being too extreme. That's because you are in the relationship and have been told you are the bad guy, so are finding it hard to accept this new idea that he is using you. Please just sit with it and allow it to process. If you can't get angry on your own behalf, think about your children. Your DH is happy to make them financial instable just to further his own ambition and play businesses. Does that sound right to you?

I would recommend seeing a financial advisor on your own first. Get a good understanding yourself, and then later involve him if you really want to stay. But, in my own personal opinion, I'd recommend moving to the new placr and taking him at his wors - if he's not going to be there, then he doesn't have to come. He can go an rent a property with the income from his 'business' can't he?

God what a dick, don’t give him money he’s going to spend it all on his failure of a business. You’re not abusive he is.

in future just nod, say sure thing, and crack on. He’s living off you and abusing you at the same time. Utter dick.

If anything, HE is the financially abusive one.
Does he have a ‘men should be the breadwinners’ mindset, and is ashamed / can’t bring himself to admit that his business just doesn’t cut the mustard?

I any case, at 50 he isn’t going to change.
Do you want to keep living with him?

All his solutions involve your money and your assets. Don't sell your other property.

What is he.... 6?
This is no way to live....

Also totally unsurprised at the age gap....

Stop cannabalising your assets and go and see a divorce lawyer.

From watching my mother get screwed over in a similar way (my dad was basically retirement age when she go it tofehter and decided enough was enough) i can tell for free if you wait another 10 years you will bitterly regret it as financially he will be viewed as the dependent party.

Right now you are in an okay position.
Start point is 50 /50 of all assets (you'd have the kids so rightly... will likely get more...60 or 70,)
This will inc a portion of all pension...so you'd get half as a start point... given compounding and the fact yours is bad I'd preserve as much pension provision as possible.

You can also trade it for more equity in the home.

In your shoes i would STRONGLY encourage you to continue with the sale and either move into rented OR biy the new house if you feel you could manage it on your own post separation... eg. It's a 400k house and you could comfortably manage a 200k mortgage. Do that and then you can preserve 50% of xombine pension pot too

Let him be a child and play the long game.
Do not let the sale fall through.

Op. I’ve read the whole thread and your responses which aren’t acknowledging the he’s abusive and you should get divorced posts.

to be honest, I don’t get it.

i don’t understand how you don’t get that it is him who is abusive, that he gas lights you, that he uses you.

Oh divorce him he sounds like an utter waste of space. Sounds like financial suicide staying married..

I would encourage you op to speak to a solicitor to find out your rights if you were to leave him, and what might happen to your finances.

Bloody hell. I’d be leaving him op. And definitely do not give him any more of your savings towards his business. Keep them for yourself and moving and for the kids. What a horrible man.

If he is "business-minded" (whether in reality or just in his head/ego) then put it all on a spreadsheet for him...

And no, you are not being abusive, he just doesn't want to face reality. It isn't easy to start up a business, but after a couple of years it should be making some money if it's going to be viable long term.

And definitely don't move your savings into the joint account...do you have enough for a deposit on the smaller place?

Well that's not abusing him, you are exercising your right to live the life you want. He may view you as lacking support for him and his Elon monetary aspirations.

Well he’ll be happy to be free of his dreadful abusive wife then won’t he? Poor sausage.

You can’t reason with someone whose head is so firmly stuffed in the sand. Follow through and move without him.

He keeps saying that moving is financial suicide due to stamp duty

He does have a point that selling and buying and potentially buying again will involve costs that isn't recoverable. However his unwillingness to discuss is stonewalling and by not discussing he gets to continue doing what he want, so it's effective.

I can understand your panic and generally women are more anxious about financial stability. How old are you? How old are the children? Are the savings earmarked for anything such as children's uni. Does he earn enough to contribute to a pension?

One approach is to build a spreadsheet with your view of finances - a few scenarios, including carrying on as currently. Send to him and offer to arrange a meeting with an external 3rd party such as financial advisor to review finances. If you are in your 40s you would need to consider pension outlook.

This is classic DARVO (Google it)

WTF! How the hell are you being abusive? The way I see it he’s being financially controlling by refusing to contribute to the shared household finances and blocking a house move to a cheaper property!!