Am I being abusive?

If you haven’t read the thread, that would explain why you have made such nonsense posts. Please be careful. Although to be fair, how you didn’t infer from the opening post that someone who pays all the bills, the other person wont discuss it, and the payer thinks they’re the one bring abusive isn’t in a normal healthy relationship, I don’t know.

Invest your money. In a divorce lawyer. He's emotionally blackmailing you citing abuse for wanting to have a reasonable conversation about your future. Get rid.

There is only one person who is abusive in this relationship and it’s not you

I think your husband is going through something in his own head that he needs to sort out and he is refusing to engage with you on some important issues here.
It does not sound like you want to leave him but staying put sounds like financial suicide and a surely eventually the end of the marriage while moving might speed up the end of the marriage and leave you in a better financial situation.
I know which I'd choose.

TBH I might go get some financial advice right now, not like you sound like you need any, but maybe a third party's advice might be something he takes on board when he doesn't take it from you, plus they might come up with some other possible solutions for you.

Well when you put it like that....

He has said this morning he will move under duress but won’t help pack, etc. and he will only sleep and see the children in the new house. He won’t be in it.

Perfect. Don’t pack any of his things, let him stay as a squatter in the house you no longer own. Tell him he can see the kids at his new place.

I'm not sure how you have got "She has been controlled and gaslit for decades" from this post.

I haven't read the entire thread just the opening couple of posts so sorry if it came up later.

If anything OP, he’s abusing you.

Overused word I know but this is massive gaslighting on his part. He’s messing with you because he wants to keep being a deadbeat.

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle and ask whether you think his business has a lot of future potential or if it really is just a hobby.

If it's just a hobby then you need to get rid: he clearly doesn't care about you.

Stop topping him up. Pay your half and say he owes the other half. If he won’t pay say oh I guess we will lose the house then.

He’s 50? Sounds like he’s 15. He sounds emotionally stunted and completely incapable of talking and getting his point across. Has he always been like this??

Yes. She has been controlled and gaslit for decades. I have reported your post to the mods as the last thing someone vulnerable like the op needs is anyone suggesting what he is doing isn’t abuse.

He sounds awful. Agree with the comment that you should get financial advice and quietly look at your options.

Why should OP do even more to keep her family afloat when she has her H hanging round her neck like a grumpy millstone?

He expects the OP to finance his business by selling her property, leaving her without that rental income and without a decent pension, while he himself has the financial cushion of a nice fat pension. The risk is entirely on her, not him. And his business is failing so it's just throwing good money after bad. And he's calling her abusive for just trying to discuss this.

I wouldn't be sticking around.

@MNLurker1345it is blindingly obvious the op has been gaslit for decades by this man and can no longer recognise that he is controlling her in a completely unhealthy way, and so she didn’t mention divorce, but it is absolutely what she needs to consider before he ruins both her and her children both financially and mentally.

Fuck him, OP. He's a massive prick. I wouldn't be staying with him - he's refusing to parent or have anything to do with you and the kids unless YOU do what HE wants and he says YOU'RE being abusive? Gaslighting at its finest. You're best off out of this one. His massive pension can be his cushion instead of you.

Then tell him not to bother. As the house is already being sold now would be a good time to agree a financial division and divorce.

Have you seen a mortgage advisor yet?

Whats he hiding? Debt? Another woman?

Stop financially supporting him immediately, definitely do not sell your rental property as that’s a good source of income and move without him. The only person abusive is him and he’s just leeching off you if he’s refusing to do anything to make any income for your family.

I don't know, all I know is "LTB" or some variation of it seems to be the default position for a lot of people here. I mean, fair enough if it's abuse or infidelity or something but this?? Divorce him over this??? REALLY?!??!?

So you have been with this man since you were (minimum) 28 and he was 43? This is already ringing some alarm bells. I appreciate age gaps are more acceptable the older you get but with the other things you mentioned it’s very concerning. I sort of think he’s gone for a younger woman as you might be easier to control or manipulate?

You are absolutely not being abusive here, he is. The fact he wants you to pile all your money into a joint account, sell your asset (and presumably use that money in the joint account too!) whilst he makes no change or sacrifice is abusive. He’s expecting you to make all the sacrifice whilst he does what he likes.

his threat to only sleep in the house etc is equally as abhorrent and abusive. He’s trying to control and coerce you into doing exactly what he wants, you must not let him do this.

Whilst divorce would leave you in a vulnerable position re sharing assets, if you show that you are the one supporting the children etc then I’d expect that you’d retain a much larger share in order to continue doing so.

I would put your ducks in a row and clearly look into how much money you’ve already given him/his business. Speak to a solicitor and ask for their view on how much you’d be likely to walk away with.

life is too short to be with a man who quite frankly sounds vile

Is he 50 or 5?
What a man child.
Tell him to grow up for gods sake. What is it with these men….

How much effort is the man in the op putting in to his relationship?