Am I being abusive?

Honestly, I would say, that’s fine dear and ignore him. But only pack yours and the kids stuff and other stuff you want to take. Ignore his enquiries and when it comes to the day just act dumb and either leave his stuff behind or pack it up and take it to the tip.

It sounds like you can afford the new place without his “income” but would the plan be to hold it as joint owners? If so, do you want to think about that? Would you be better off just getting somewhere in your own name (even if smaller) if the likelihood is that you’re going to split up shortly and/ or his business might fail (is there any chance his creditors could come after the house if his name is on the.title register!)?

I think overall I’d be cutting my losses now and getting somewhere just for me and the kids.

Your "D"H is being financially abusive to you. Why are you giving him your savings? Stop subsidising his vanity project, buy the new house in your name only, and move into it with the kids.

In your shoes I would continue with the house sale, but def not purchase a new home with him. If you do decide to split then you don’t want to have to sell again, uproot your kids again, have wasted stamp duty money etc.

I would move into a rental for now and buy yourself time to work out what to do with your marriage - is it salvageable? Would he go to marriage therapy together to see if you can work through your difference of opinion? Also quietly see a solicitor to get a better understanding on what your financial split might look like in the event of a possible divorce.

Are you abusive - not from anything you have written in this thread. Is he abusive - possibly, but we don’t have the full picture here so you need to take some time to process that idea. Is he usually a good man who is currently struggling with a failing business and having a breakdown/depression? Or has he always been selfish and refused to engage in important discussions?

It was a joke, Barley is a key ingredient in many soups.

so He is financially abusing you: you’re supporting the entire family, and he is now asking for your savings aswell, with no viable financial plan.
he’s emotionally abusing you: refusing to talk, making you follow him about like a puppy begging him to talk, making you doubt yourself so you begin to ask AIBU.
then HE calls YOU an abuser ? This is DARVO technique used by manipulators and abusers.
I would get myself to a solicitor asap.

Telling someone they are being abusive is a tactic that abusers often say to their victims. He's the abusive, controlling one. He's insisting that you prop up his failing business, and point blank refusing to discuss finances with you.

Time to think about leaving him I reckon, because he is not going to change.

Leave him,sell the house,split it and buy your own house,he won't have anyone then to financially prop up his stupid money pit business

It's also worth checking he doesn't have any debt related to the business that he hasn't told you, and checking there is no way be can take out any debt secured on your properties.

He’s the abusive one

Depending on the type of pension(s) he has, he may be able to access some/all of the funds in five years time. If he's still plugging away at his failing business then he might end up investing his pension in it too (if he thinks success is just around the corner so he can be set for life), leaving your partnership with even fewer assets.

He sounds like a spoiled toddler, you both need to assess current and future financial plans and compromise on them (e.g. he gives up his office, or agrees to the move and doesn't strop about it, or he gets a part time job to top up his income). If he is unwilling to do this then you need to seriously consider whether your marriage has a future and plan accordingly. You both also need to be considering the children's future- teenagers can be expensive and if they want to go to university you are likely to need to provide substantial support even if they take all the loans available to them.

Even if you don't yet decide to leave him, it is worth gathering all the information (all assets on both sides, including pensions, less any debts) and speaking to a solicitor about what you would be entitled to based on the length of your marriage and your two children.

He is the controlling abusive one. There is a reason he wanted someone much younger. Becs he thought you’d be easier to control. My guess is, he has up to a point and now you are trying to stand up to him he is flipping it around.

I would definitely think about divorce, I don’t know if there is a way for you to keep the money have. Do you have family you can speak to?

In answer to you question it wouldn’t seem so, no. Practical and adult decisions need
to be made.

I googled 'barley' and it certainly isn't doing well at the moment. Your husband needs to think of something else in order to earn money.

"For UK farmers at the moment, barley margins are facing headwinds due to generally comfortable global supplies and high input costs, which are squeezing overall profitability. Spot ex-farm prices for feed barley sit at roughly £150 to £280 per tonne. However, growing malting barley can be highly lucrative if it meets the stringent specifications for the brewing and distilling industries, securing a valuable premium.
For investors, the barley market operates on slim margins. Global prices remain highly volatile and are heavily tied to the pricing of larger cereals like wheat and corn. When alternative grains are oversupplied, barley struggles to command high prices. Trading is typically conducted through derivatives like futures and CFDs on global exchanges rather than physical ownership."

Your husband sounds abusive if he will not have a reasonable discussion with you. I'd go ahead and buy, leave him to make up his mind whether or not he wants to stay married. You can't go on as you are, it's an awful situation and he is, frankly, horrible to you.

Sounds like your common-or-garden arsehole.

What is this "business" hobby?

Lawyer up! Even if you decide not to divorce, at least you know your options and how to best protect what’s yours, for your children, if not for yourself.

HE is being abusive, financially. He is taking more than you can both afford, and refusing to negotiate. He is then turning the tables on you, so that you don’t consider the consequences of his refusal. It’s completely unacceptable. Please don’t tolerate it. Either divorce or separate your finances legally.

Disagreeing and having realistic financial concertos not being controlling.

expecting and demanding your spouse to shut up and finance you is abusive and controlling.

Do not put your money in a joint account, it will disappear into his business.
Time to issue an ultimatum and to mean it. He grows up, gets at least a part time job or you're done. He will bleed you dry all the time blaming you.

Not read FT but does he not read the newspapers?
Every day well established businesses are going bankrupt/closing down.
This is a very bad time to start a new one.
He is a dreamer.
Buy him a few newspapers - or make him see some free online every day.

Omg leave!! Before he takes any more of your money! He’s a horrid old man!

If he has a big pension hopefully you’ll keep your savings in exchange for not taking any of it.

He sounds like a manchild. I can imagine him standing there stomping his feet, red in the face calling you controlling and abusive.
He needs to grow up.

Mind you, why is he trying to sell barley, anyway? 😁

This.

Absolutely this and i bet it was his idea to buy the big house with with the big mortgage so he can walk down the road with his big balls swinging and everyone can say oh look at him what a man, just tell him hes getting no more money from you full stop

You are the one being financially abused. If he’s refusing any options even discussion as you have a rental property move yourself and your children to that.

OP, you are not being abusive. Trying to make your household finances add up now and in the future is not abusive. It sounds like you have been transparent (with information at least) and supported your family on your own for years.

Being pressured into selling an asset (your rental home) that doesn't make financial sense to do so is abusive. If your pension assets are limited, this is another resource for you and selling and draining the value without a long term prospect to replace does not make financial sense.

If he is determined not to move, he needs to commit to bringing in the income needed to make up the shortfall. He pays xx amount into a joint account every month. Continuing to pursue a business that doesn't bring in an income is a poor decision for your family. If he can't make it financially viable before your mortgage increases, he needs to find a job to make up the shortfall.

However, his response to you is horrible. Putting everything on your shoulders, the decisions, the move, the finances, and stepping back from any kind of support, working with you as a team, is awful. It does sound like you will be better off without him. Particularly if you can afford this smaller property with no support from him, you'll likely be better off.