Am I being abusive?

Is that you Meghan?

Every word of this OP.

You need to get away from this man, otherwise he will drag you down with him.

Not, abusive just realistic. He obviously doesn't want to be told his business is failing and shutting it down under the name of 'abuse'. It needs to be facts over feelings in matters like this. Sorry you're going through it OP 💐

Leave him fuck off then, sounds like he's dragging you down

Scary post. The man doesn't even like you. Please be careful.

It’s the fact he’s continuing to spend on this business rather than cut costs like lose the office, and he wants your rental property, your pension to keep his business going basically. Whilst saying stamp duty is financial suicide

there is a reason this business is not making money, he is financially incompetent, overly emotional, and inept.

this man has children, and he’s in there trying to effectively rob his own wife to satisfy his ego.

DH set up his business 2-3 years ago, it’s not making any money (barely). He won’t give up renting an office and work from home, get a part time job, etc.

The moving home issue is irrelevant.

For the above reasons, you need to move into your other property and start divorce proceedings so you can put the house on the market.

There are genuine signs that he is the abusive one. He stonewalls every financial conversation then calls you abusive for trying to have it. He is protecting a substantial pension while pressuring you to sell your only independent asset. He agreed to the move, let the house sell, then backpedalled once you were committed. And he has now threatened to live in the new house as a ghost, sleeping there and nothing more, which is a punishment tactic, not a compromise.

Before the move, see a solicitor alone. One appointment will tell you what you’re entitled to from his pension, what your position is on the rental property and where you stand with the children. Do not sell that property. Once you know your legal position you can decide from a place of information rather than fear whether this marriage is worth saving.

I'm sorryif this has already been asked. What did he do before he started his business? He's going to take you right down with him and all your money will be gone. You deserve better.

Get rid OP, as he’s going to drain your finances completely. He’s a complete idiot.

FUCK. HIM. OFF.

Cut your losses and divorce.

A divorce will cost you, but he will completely financially ruin you if you stay.

Money aside, his behaviour is utterly repugnant. I couldn't bear the sight of him if I were you, OP.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. It really isn't fair.

So many shit men.

💐

Forget about selling the house for the moment, focus on the main issue which is that his business is not making any money.

Set a time frame of say a year to get it into profit. After that he had to give it up and get a job.

Do not sell your rental.

Be careful to be safe. Men who feel themselves a failure often harm their wives and children feeling that if they can't continue they will take the whole family.

That said ..no more funds...that is your children's safety ..what was the business plan...it should be self sustaining by this point surely. Cut all loses and escape...safely

Protect your accounts ..passwords etc.inaccesible, keep an eye on your credit score for any loans being taken out

Stay safe 💐

This isn't abuse from you, I honestly don't know what to make of your DH - it's like weaponised indecision. He won't make a move, but he's trying to stop you making any moves too. I'm trying to work it out from his pov - my gut tells me he's in denial and doesn't want to face up to problems such as his business not doing well. Challenging him is getting a toys thrown out the pram response because he doesn't want to face up to these adult convos? However - that doesn't mean I agree with him, I'm just trying to figure out what he thinks he's doing.
You've every right to want to talk this through, it's not abusive to want open chats like this. I kinda feel like he's gaslighting - describing you as abusive is very hurtful and feels like an attempt to distract you from the real problems by wasting your energy soul searching, when you haven't done anything wrong x

He is accusing YOU of abuse???

The only abusive behaviour here is his. He is being financially controlling, demanding you put all your savings in the joint account (why?!? So he can use them all up instead of working??) and now refusing to sell the house so you can live within your means, not to mention refusing to contribute financially to the relationship.

Finances are a HUGE part of marriage. If he is refusing to even discuss finances, then your marriage is pointless.

He needs to give up the rented office, run his business from home, then find a part time job.

Or if he isn't willing to compromise then the house move is sensible.

Selling the rental is not a good move. It is providing you with a regular income.

LTB. I couldn’t live like this. You’re not a partnership.

That’s absolutely mad and you’re a brick for supporting him this far and offering to move so he can carry on with his business while you pay the bills. He should bite your hand off at that offer. DO NOT sell your rental property 😉 so he can fritter the money while you haven’t got a pension… I mean seriously ??
The sensible thing would be that he got a job but it sounds like he’s in the middle of a folie and there’s no reasoning with him.

So your house is sold and your husband is throwing a tantrum?

Is he feeling like downsizing is like him admitting he’s a failure, but he’s unable to articulate it? Is that why he’s being so aggressively defensive?

Your husband needs therapy by the sounds of it. Sorry you’re facing this. Of course you’re not being abusive by being realistic and not pouring your finances (which it sounds like you are the only one with any to speak of) down the drain.

ETA: mental instability is the best case scenario, and as others have pointed out, it’s possible he is actually being abusive himself in which case he’s just accusing you of what he’s doing, which is typical abuser behaviour.

YOU are being abused both emotionally and financially.
Reach out to a domestic abuse charity.
Do not sell your rental house.
He is running down your money.
It's what abusers do.
You need legal advice asap.

This is not a hood man.
Wake up.
Tell family and fridnds the truth.
Stop giving him any money.

No, definitely not being abusive!

What is the size of your current house and what is the size of the house you want to move into? Will your family be cramped in the smaller house? Will children each have their own room?

Dear god
Sometimes you read a thread about another woman and think how the hell did she end up with such a dreadful man.
For your childrens sake op
I really really hope you manage to escape this man
He is the one abusing you ..not the other way round

Absolutely do not put your savings in a joint account. If his business is barely scraping by then he will just eat through those.

Unless you suggest it as a compromise: if you can move and downsize, paying off the mortgage then you will consider making savings jointly available but at the moment you're the only one keeping you both afloat so he either gets a supplement job to help/ drops his business or you sell the house and downsize.

He is being really stubborn and it's not fair for you to carry the weight and worry when he won't even talk about finances. Part of being in an adult trusting relationship is about transparency with finances and working as a team.

He's saying that because it works to stop you in your tracks. It's not abusive to protect your family from going under financially. Let him make you the villain in his story and move forward, if this is what you want to do.