Am I being abusive?

He's the abuser! At the very least financial, verbal, and emotional. He wants you to put all of YOUR savings in a joint account? Bump that noise!

He refuses to talk or to listen to reason, but the fact is that he contributes very little to the welfare of your family. He refuses to sell your house and won't agree to buy something with no mortgage, knowing that your current interest rate will quadruple at the end of the year. He refuses to WFH or reduce expenses for his business or to work part-time to supplement the missing earnings. He's eating up your savings and is putting his own foolish wants above helping take care of his family. He refuses to leave or to let you go.

PLEASE PLEASE, PLEASE, do something to stop him before he throws the remainder of your savings away. Please do it now! See a solicitor and start legal proceedings. The longer you wait, the less you'll have. Your pension level grows each month(?) which means the longer you let this play out the more money he will legally be allowed to take. Even if you sell before the end of the year, each month you live there making payments will mean you'll lose even more.

He's abusive- he's turning everything around and trying to make you believe you're the abuser. But you know that isn't true. Stop bending over backwards to accommodate his willful waste of your money. People who start businesses often continue working full- or at least part-time until they're making as much from the business they as they do at their current job. They don't just quit. They have a safety net so they don't run through the family money and use up all their partners' savings.

Please see someone this week. Don't tell him yet, but get the house ready for a real estate appraisal. Begin sorting and packing up. (There's a great MN thread from the past where the OP tells how and what she did to get ready to go. I think she rented a storage unit and stockpiled everything they'd for the first year. It was brilliant!) Without letting him know, move your savings to a new bank- one that he's not affiliated with. He doesn't need to know where the money is and how much you have left. Let the solicitors work that out, but please don't let him continue to drive your family into bankruptcy. Buy the smaller house in your name only. If you're legally separated I think you can do that with no problems. A good divorce lawyer or solicitor will be able to advise you on how to protect your money from him. After all, you'll need it to take care of yourself and your children in the future.

You told us "I’ve said this to him, we move together or separately but I’m not staying." Say it again and immediately follow-through. He obviously thinks you're bluffing and will give in to him. He's way past due for a wake-up call!

I know this won't be easy. I rarely actually say LTB. Instead I encourage people to look after themselves- maybe get therapy or help from Women's Aid and to tell their loved ones for support. But in your case he's convinced that you'll stay no matter what. He sees no reason to compromise. Give him a scare and show him he's wrong.

You don't deserve the abuse he's dumping on you. Leaving him may be the only thing to shock him enough to open his eyes. Can you imagine how great no mortgage would be? Let go of his vision and make it a reality! 💐

No...
Changes zero

Utterly floored that as a TA you are the "breadwinner"

Divorce this guy.

Why can’t he guarantee to be in? He isn’t making any financial contribution doing his hobby (it doesn’t sound like a business to me!) so he’s got all the time in the world to be in and look after his children.

Not that you should have to get an evening job in a bar - if anyone should, he should!

I would move out, with or without him, and look at separate living anyhow.
I'm sure there were good points about him somewhere, at some time, but dang, he sounds like a plonker.

It looks even worse for him if he refuses to look after his own child so that he can do his hobby (which is what a business that earns no money is) rather than you work.

op, if you can’t accept the fact that you have married an arsehole yet, that’s fine, but I would urge you to keep talking to people - friends, strangers, professionals - constantly, they’re all going to say what we’ve said - until it sinks in. Then as soon as it does, get rid of this awful awful man pdq.

The fact that his business isn't making any money is a red herring; he is calling you abusive for wanting to have an adult discussion about finances.
You are being realistic about money, not abusive. You can't let him bankrupt you, you have children.

Ask to take a look at his business plan so you can get an idea of when and how much income he is forecasting. So you can use those figures for the household budget to assess affordability of your mortgage increasing. If he says it will get better, he should have this at least to be able to demonstrate what will be different in the next year or two compared with the last (if he has a business plan I would be amazed!!)

No it doesn’t change anything. It’s your wage supporting the family. You have offered to downsize your home specifically to accommodate his failing business.

As others have said, he’s financially inept and you’re being realistic and supportive. He is being neither. Shutting down discussions and sulking and calling you unfair names.

Could you then say, "How will it get better? What will make it better? And when?"

Is there any chance that his work will suddenly bring in a lot of money?

No it doesn't make a difference. If anything it is worse on him. A TA's salary is low, not at a sustainable level to compensate for him not bringing in an income for years, and not to support a family on your own. You are working hard, volunteering to work 2 jobs whilst he isn't doing one productive one. He should be the one getting a part time job until his business is viable (if it ever can be)

Yet another example where I wish people would stop tossing around the word "abusive" so readily. Even if you were being excessive, haven't all you people some other words in your vocabulary, such as, in this case, "nagging" or "badgering"?

But, no, I don't think you are abusive, or nagging, or badgering. It seems to me that he's refusing to treat you as an equal partner. And that would have me wondering if this is new or has often been the case, and whether it shows up in other aspects of your life.

Is there any chance you could demand to both meet with a marital and/or financial counselor? Have you ever just matter-of-factly asked him how he expects things to play out?

No.

Jesus, OP, just divorce him. (I'm not being flippant, I know it's not an easy thing to do, but this man child will be a rock around your neck until the day he dies.)

No, you're not being abusive by wanting to discuss financial solutions. (Especially when you're the only one bringing any money in. If his business isn't at least breaking even, let alone making a profit, it's not viable.)

I wonder if you really know the full story of how badly his business is doing? Is it a Limited? Maybe review the accounts on Companies House. He doesn't sound mature enough to be running a business to me.

The only good thing in this situation is that when you leave him and he tries to get half your savings and rental property you can offset it by going after half his pension, hopefully he will have to pay you, rather than the other way round. I’m sure from the many replies here you can see that there’s nothing you are doing that is remotely abusive, he’s prepared to bankrupt you for his ego and vanity. Please don’t let him.

indont feel sorry for him having a business that didn’t work out. By the time he started this, which would have been 23 earliest, it was common knowledge barley was on the decline and wouldn’t come back, it was ridiculous thing to do. And was always going to fail.

He’s a millstone around your neck - move on without him. You are not being abusive at all - he sounds like a lazy loser tbh!

Correct him, OP. You're not abusing him, you're leaving him. I do feel for him having a business that hasn't worked out as he'd hoped and he sounds like he is in denial about this but you have to put you and your children's financial future first. Look at houses and get yours valued. He is right about stamp duty being a regrettable cost theoretically but this current situation feels precarious and he needs to put your security first, or you do. You do not sound abusive, OP. You actually sound very patient.

Does he have anyone he can talk to about all of this? Some men feel defined by their job and their ability to provide for their family and also do not confide in others when things go wrong. I am concerned he is a bit on the edge here, mentally. The refusal to discuss it at all is worrying, but you need to look after your financial interests first. You might need to look after yourself but it would be good if there was someone to look after him too. I'm not sure you can do both in these circumstances.

So sorry, OP. Very difficult.

Pathetic for a 50 year old man. He should be ashamed of himself expecting you to finance his fancies.

If it helps op, barley is expected to continue to decline. This is not a business he wants to be in, and he should have known that 2-3 years ago. The decline started late 22, as alcohol demand is declining and a new corridor was implemented, the decline was sharp too. I guess he saw the high prices in the middle of that year, didn’t read the forecasts, thought he’d make a quick buck and made a huge error of judgement. It’s not coming back op.

This is a story as old as time though. He already wants your rental, property. He isn’t going to stop till he bankrupts you all and you are homeless. It’s like a gambling addiction, he’s unable to stop himself. He will spend it all. Inc borrow against the house. To see if he can make it work. Just one more year right.

as said, this is as old as time. He will take everything you all have, until there is nothing left.

"Yeah. That doesn't work for me. I'm tired of you financially abusing me and doing little work in this marriage. I'm filing for divorce and we can go our separate ways. By the way - I will be going after half your generous pension"

He brings nothing to your relationship. He's a prick.

Honestly just leave