to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

Staying in your corner.

That sums up a lot. You are clearly an intelligent woman; you know how he has treated you and how he is likely to continue treating you.

Are you happy to stay in ‘your corner’ for your remaining years? Your life is not over.

You say you are his only support but he is an adult. What about YOU and your support?

Are you content to live the rest of your life with this unpredictability?

"WWYD?"

I would leave. And never look back.

OP, you seem to caught in a position of trying to excisecor understand why he does what he does.

The why doesn't change anything.
He's abusive, a liar and a manipulator.

You know this.
This is no way to live.

You are not responsible for his support or wellbeing. He didn't give a shit about yours sll these years.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid, a therapist, the police or a trusted friend or family member yet?

@RachelWardd
Have your DC ever been subjected to his temper and violence?

@RachelWardd based on what keep writing you are spending far FAR too much time thinking about him and his motivations - will you just drop it and start talking and thinking (and writing) about what you want out of your life and your relationship (if you want to be in one) - you really are overthinking this.

You can leave at any time, @RachelWardd .

He has behaved appallingly.

Some of the blame can be laid on his parents, but definitely not all of it.

He has been awful to you, over a number of years.

Physically, verbally, and emotionally.

You're only 48, you have plenty of years left to lead a more peaceful and content life.

💐

You had nothing to forgive yourself for. You blame yourself for escalating things by not walking away. Your husband, equally, could have, should have, chosen to walk away without losing his temper and being violent.

You were very young. You were dealing with the illness and subsequent loss of your beloved dad at a young age which must have been incredibly difficult whilst living with this violent husband. You have learned not to stir the beast. I understand you have done this to cope.

Having never seen this sort of bad temper before would’ve only made things harder. I doubt you would’ve been able to confide in your own parents about your worries given your dad’s ailing health and perhaps their views that marriage is for life.

You have done nothing wrong. He has controlled and manipulated you with his violence.

If you have a DD, think about the advice you would give her now if she were in a similar position. Despite my upbringing, I would never discourage my DD from living with a man before marriage. As the old saying goes, ‘If you want to know me, come and live with me.’

Be as angry as you want to be.

He trapped and trained you, and now is denying what he did.

He didn't bother to mention something which was influencing his every day (at least in the form of going for the medication). He hit you when you dared to noticed.

You still don't know whether he told you the whole truth with the bipolar option making more and more sense.

You are allowed to consider and choose divorce.

I understand that you would prefer him owning up the lies and changing his ways. He won't unless he understands that losing you is a real option.

Be careful, with any kind of abuser, no matter whether it is personality or illness/disorder, the moment when he understands you are leaving him is the most dangerous one.

Reading your words makes me want to cry for you and beat the shit out of him.

You were not foolish, horrible or lacking in emotional intelligence.

You did not deserve to be pushed, slapped or hit.

You should be able to have an argument, raise your voice, get cross and express your views without violence.

Your husband has been a manipulative, violent man for years. Bastard.

Based on your posts, and from reading the HUNDREDS of threads we see on this forum every year from women in abusive relationships I am about 99.9% confident your husband was just an abusive and violent man for the same reason all the others are.

Because he wanted to be.

“Even a saint would have been driven to violence with my shrew like behaviour.”

This is absolute bullshit.

I imagine his illness and the way his parents treated him (shamed him?) probably led to his anger issues which he then took out on you, but that is not the same as his illness being the cause of his anger and violence.

I’ve had seizures for 24 years, it has ruined my life in ways I can’t even explain. I hate, hate HATE, living with this condition. It’s affected my childhood, my relationships, my independence, my career, my freedom, my friendships,….. just everything. I live in fear every day of having a seizure….. I wake up every morning and wonder whether I’m going to make it to end of the day alive or whether I’m going to randomly wake up surrounded by paramedics or in a hospital bed. I take 4 different drugs a day to try and control my seizures (which don’t work and give me horrible side effects that I have to put up with every day) and I have endless therapy to try and help with my anxiety, which doesn’t work either. Most days I am an absolute ball of rage, I am so angry that I have to live like this, I feel like screaming all day everyday because of how angry I am about what my life is like……… but I have still never hit anyone.

And nor do the huge majority of people who have epilepsy and have to cope with all this crap every day.

Yes your husband may have been in the very small percentage of people who have angry outbursts related to their epilepsy, but it is unlikely considering he wasn’t having seizures during your marriage and nor was he on any medication (so no aggressive behaviour side effects to blame etc).

I’m very sorry that you stayed with a violent man because you assumed his behaviour was probably related to a health condition and your love for him made you feel you needed to stand by him.

Plus, this is in no way your fault! His violence towards you was nothing to do you with you not being a good enough wife.

Violent and abusive men are like that because something within them makes them think it’s ok.

You could have been the best wife in the world (whatever that would look like) and he’d still have treated you exactly the same because that’s the kind of man he is.

Why does it feel like leaving a child?

Dare I suggest because he has behaved like one and not like an adult.

His wiring may be wrong. We all are wired differently. It still does not excuse the violence towards you.

Is his reaction to you after being violent always the same; crying and having to be soothed by you? Does he apologise profusely? Is he apologetic?

My ex boyfriend had a very short fuse. Any disagreement led to things being thrown and damaged. He never touched me. The more heated it got, the more he became like an angry big man-child. I saw that twice and that was two times too many. Your husband is not alone in this respect.

But he didn’t even have severe epilepsy. He had HWE which is benign and usually outgrown, and he has actually outgrown it. I doubt he was even on a high dose of SV.

Why on earth would you think that his epilepsy or drugs would cause him to have the sort of damage to his brain that those very few that you have read about in studies have had??

You are reaching to find conclusions that suit you. That is not your instinct talking, it is desperation.