to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

Let me be Clear - his anger and arseholeness is IN NO WAY RELATED TO EPILEPSY. If anything though it is the reverse, I feel there was something special about him that very very much attracted me to him and what he went through, the hard times, must have shown through in some way as I did and still do very tender and protective by default - and have to give myself stern shakes not to. I am an empath by nature.

ANYONE who is saying anything offensive about PEOPLE with epilepsy , please can you leave the thread, thank you.

But there could still be a chance the SV was for Bipolar, it was not for common cold in any case.

@InspectorDuckedCantBeFooked , @Itisalwayspossibletobekind , and others who have been really supportive.

When he said I had no reason to leave 12 years ago and said he would make custody battle a hell on earth for me if I still choose to go and that they were HIS SONS, I did the following in anger myself, what then naturally followed was a lot of self hate I still carry around for doing the following as it may have been to hurt him when he found out (and he did and he was ANGRY) , but it was a million times more self destructive - I did not recognise myself at all in these acts and yet it was me doing them -

1. 'Fell in love' with a very supportive colleague in my early thirties, did not get physical , told H the truth and that I wanted to leave him to go be with someone who genuinely liked me. H said the DC were his and he would not let them leave with me. I did not want to involve police/legal so I ...stayed.
2. In my early 40s, I went onto TInder, made a profile only first name and pics - did not hook up with anyone. But talked to guys and enjoyed the attention. Was honest about my situation and single men were okay to hook up anyway, but I didnt go ahead, then I stopped as it was wasting their time too, they werent on TInder to be friends.

Hate myself. Does someone who has done the above, still deserve to say defiantly my life matters? But, a part of me says two wrongs do not cancel each other out, and perhaps I do not deserve happiness as such, but I still should leave him, cos neither does he deserve me staying.

@InspectorDuckedCantBeFooked , @Itisalwayspossibletobekind , and others who have been really supportive.

When he said I had no reason to leave 12 years ago and said he would make custody battle a hell on earth for me if I still choose to go and that they were HIS SONS, I did the following in anger myself, what then naturally followed was a lot of self hate I still carry around for doing the following as it may have been to hurt him when he found out (and he did and he was ANGRY) , but it was a million times more self destructive - I did not recognise myself at all in these acts and yet it was me doing them -

1. 'Fell in love' with a very supportive colleague in my early thirties, did not get physical , told H the truth and that I wanted to leave him to go be with someone who genuinely liked me. H said the DC were his and he would not let them leave with me. I did not want to involve police/legal so I ...stayed.
2. In my early 40s, I went onto TInder, made a profile only first name and pics - did not hook up with anyone. But talked to guys and enjoyed the attention. Was honest about my situation and single men were okay to hook up anyway, but I didnt go ahead, then I stopped as it was wasting their time too, they werent on TInder to be friends.

Hate myself. Does someone who has done the above, still deserve to say defiantly my life matters? But, a part of me says two wrongs do not cancel each other out, and perhaps I do not deserve happiness as such, but I still should leave him, cos neither does he deserve me staying.

No one on here has said this, maybe unfollow the thread if it is triggering though.

My life matters too.

A third person who agrees. It's actually really offensive, rude and ableist and people piping in with things they've read on the internet about epilepsy aren't helping. You have no idea.

100% this. I hope OP leaves this abusive man, and educates herself about epilepsy. She is so offensive and ignorant.

It sounds to me like unregulated bipolar. It is linked with fits and I speak from experience. I was lucky that I was told about it by my hubby straight away or else we wouldn’t have been married. He is prone to selfish behaviour and has a quick temper but just walks out never abusive or violent. I’ve worked hard to get him the right meds and he is so much better now he is stable. When he is not stable I can only describe as zero accountability and irrational. It doesn’t matter what I say he would be the victim. He has some sort of shadow on the brain which caused him to have the similar fits to your hubby. If he gets too hot now he has night terrors or sometimes what I think are fits in his sleep. We sleep with a fan. There are quite a few similarities here.
I think I would be as annoyed as you but personally probably wouldn’t have made as far as you without knowing.
it’s extremely difficult to navigate, but he needs meds and he needs to take ownership of it in order for you to move forward.

Thank you all so much, I have read every post so many times last night and am doing a full re-read of the thread this morning too. So much in here for me to absorb and reflect on - there are aspects I had never thought of as well.

My life mattered too ...and I do not think he acknowledged that , then or now.

Bi-polar symptoms match exactly , like a glove. He sleeps only 2-3 hours every night, he cannot ever sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time, its like permanent jetlag or rather, to use the right term - Hypo-Mania phase.

I need to find a way, if there is one, to get him to come for a modern world (not 1970s-80s) Brain MRI and EEG , with technology having advanced so much - to check if MRI results indicate Bi-polar.

I think he lies all the time to his GP's as well......

Thank you all so much, I have read every post so many times last night and am doing a full re-read of the thread this morning too. So much in here for me to absorb and reflect on - there are aspects I had never thought of as well.

My life mattered too ...and I do not think he acknowledged that , then or now.

Bi-polar symptoms match exactly , like a glove. He sleeps only 2-3 hours every night, he cannot ever sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time, its like permanent jetlag or rather, to use the right term - Hypo-Mania phase.

I need to find a way, if there is one, to get him to come for a modern world (not 1970s-80s) Brain MRI and EEG , with technology having advanced so much - to check if MRI results indicate Bi-polar.

I think he lies all the time to his GP's as well......

Hello again OP, you have not thrown away your one wild and precious life, you are still living it! You are only 48, I think you said? But you are also right, your life and hopes and dreams ARE precious. (And I kind of hope a little bit wild too - who knows!)

You WILL be able to effect change to move yourself going forwards authentically to who you are.

But I think you are firstly beginning to realise you have been in an abusive relationship. And that you deserve far better for your next 48 years. No one should walk on eggshells.

Lundy Bancroft book could be a good one to look at: you seem to need to understand his abusive behaviour. It could certainly help you to actually name what is going on and accept that it is NOT your fault. Do NOT let him know you are reading it.

As well as how you have been manipulated and hit, the fundamental element of all abuse is to control others through horrific emotional (abusive) behaviours that can in fact be very subtle and tricky to notice. You are noticing now. This can feel like an avalanche of realisation. Please attribute no shame on your part whatsoever to this.

It is NOT your fault and you have NOT done anything "wrong".

Having said all that, please be careful and do not disclose any of the new insights you are gaining to him.

Seek help and start to orchestrate a safe exit for yourself (and children and any pets) from this abusive situation.

Take care with your electronic footprint. Including this very thread.

Above all, believe that your deserve far, far more for your life. And I have every faith that you will make your moves and changes and ultimately will soar.

Can you contact Women's Aid? Your GP? Or what feels like an achievable step for you?