to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

We got together when we were 18 and his epilepsy wasn’t controlled back then and he was still having seizures if he hadn’t had enough sleep or was under stress, which was pretty much all the time in uni. So he had to tell me straight away. There were plenty of times I had to put him in the recovery position and look after him.

Had I met him a few years later, once he had grown out of it a bit and his medication dosage was settled, maybe he wouldn’t have told me straight away?

He hasn’t had a seizure now for about 25 years. He still takes 2 pills before bed every night. But other than that, there is no sign that he has epilepsy.

It is bizarre not to tell you as what if he’d had an episode while he and you were alone together? Weird. But how long have you known now? Yes it’s something to be upset about but if it was years and years ago that ship has sailed. Unless something else is going on and it’s reminding you of this ‘betrayal’?
My DD (21) has MS. She doesn’t tell anyone about it. But if she became romantically involved and it was starting to become serious of course she would, as it’s not curable and likely to have an impact on her life eventually. As would I tell people that I’m a Type 1 diabetic. Partners need to know the signs, what to do and what the eventual responsibilities might be living with someone aging with a chronic condition.

We all conceived whilst taking sodium valproate. The advice has only just changed and is still under review for men taking SV. Don’t worry about that.

Here!

OP, I have a relative who has been on sodium valproate for over 30 years. She’s nothing like your DH. Sometimes illness and/or medication can make people unpleasant and difficult to be around and sometimes they’re just dicks.

As someone who is married to a man with epilepsy who has also taken sodium valproate for as long as I’ve known him, I think you are conflating separate issues.

It sounds like your DH is a bit of a dick with an anger problem. That is not related to his epilepsy. Just who he is.

Is it odd that he didn’t tell you about it? Yes, it is a bit odd. But if it was controlled and he’d not had any type of seizures for an awfully long time, then I can kind of see why. What’s more odd is that he and his parents actually lied as opposed to just not mentioning it. I assume they must have felt some stigma which is quite sad.

Personally, I don’t think it’s a massive deal he didn’t tell you. The risk of it being inherited by your children is very small. So small, I didn’t give it any thought when we decided to have children.

I agree with you, it's definitely something that should have been men tioned. It's really good he has it very much under control.
Don't like the sound of a short fuse!

Yes, he tricked you into marrying him. You still aren't sure if he has epilepsy or bipolar and your children were put at risk from his medication.

Why are you so quick to attribute his temper and selfishness to epilepsy? He could just be a jerk. Well, you already know he is because of the lying.

Are you thinking of separating?

Avoid asking strangers on the internet about the implications associated with sodium valproate. I was still on it when I was pregnant and my son didn’t suffer.

I couldn’t be holding on to this 20 years later OP. For whatever reason, it was done but things are very different now. You’ve had a life and a child together. TBH, I bet even if they’d told you, you would have married him anyway.

If it is symptomatic of your dislike for your DH now and you’re looking for an excuse to leave him, then own that.

I don't think it's unreasonable to still keep thinking about it.

It was a big deal. It could have been passed to your children. And it meant you didn't get to make an informed choice.

All of those things are very real. And it's a shame he isn't willing or able to talk it through with you.
Counselling would give you the opportunity to explore that with someone though. Sometimes what we need must is to feel validated and told that how we feel matters.

He was wrong not to tell you, but it is many years since you found out. You can't keep bringing it up if you want to stay married- time to deal with it or let it go.

The only unreasonable thing you've done is marry someone who went every night to their parents' house for "vitamins" into their 30's. That would have given me immediate ick.

I wonder if the reason he didn't tell you after telling other girls is that he liked you that much more and didn't want to risk losing you over this? People can be weird about illness, especially unpredictable types, and maybe he thought you wouldn't want him if you knew?

Doesn't make what he did ok though.

Do you think some counselling would help you with it? Just on your own i mean?

No I wouldn’t but then I’ve never been in a position where I’m being taken off medication - and therefore no longer being treated for epilepsy. Given the timings you’ve referred to, he hadn’t had a seizure since he met you so the lie is that he previously had seizures but was seizure free with medication.

I don’t understand the references to you having a Disney world upbringing and him having experience or hospitals. You’re trying to find an answer as to what you consider his personality flaws and you’re linking them to a condition he had 25 years ago when there may be no such link.

Your feelings are valid. What are you going to do now ? Perhaps the real question you are asking is - are you unreasonable to split up for this reason. In which case we need to know what the position is for the children, do they love him, how would you separate and so on. Feels like you've not asked exactly what you are questioning

He was unreasonable not to tell you as Sodium Valporate can affect children. epilepsysociety.org.uk/news/men-valproate