to feel he should have told me about this health condition before we married

RachelWardd · 2026-06-15T14:50:59+00:00

We met when I was 23 and he was 30. I was swept off my feet at first meet, he was tall dark handsome romantic funny kind gentle brave .....etc. We dated for two years and married when I was 25, my parents were strict catholic and I never lived with him back then (we're talking 20+ years ago now) before we married, just dated , never went away together really either.....stayed over at his at the time, he lived very close to his parents, but said it was cos he loved that part of the city /country growing up and all his friends were there etc so that made sense at the time. I moved in with him after we married. Long story short. In the first two three years, I knew I had married someone with a very very low fuse (as I called at in my twenties) - prone to anger, somewhat selfish, very focused on his needs, very quick flight or fight responses to any changes in plan Turns out one of the many reasons he was popping in every evening at his parents' for at least 10 minutes on way home was - they were (well in to his 30s) still monitoring and administering sodium valporate pills to him. I opened the packet once when his dad left it out accidentally and I had popped over. Slowly it came out in the open that he had been diagnosed with a benign reflex form of epilepsy ( he got partial focal type seizures when taking a hot shower or hot bath and almost always or always only then) from when he was less than 10 years old. But 'DH' still said it was fully under control with medication and he had been 'episode free' since 2001 and we met in 2002 and married in 2004. Eventually he got off the meds completely in 2008 and as far as I know has not had any more episodes just by being careful I think while in the shower or bath I still think he should have told me - he grew up going to epilepsy clinics, top neuro consultants, thinking life would not be normal as he was still having seizures, falling in the shower leading to head injuries (multiple) , trips to hospital in the ambulance as a teen. A big part of his life for the first 30 years - and defined his relations with his parents and siblings - and his outlook on life. At the very least he should have told me as he knows this is sometimes genetic and there is a 30pc chance yet that our teen DC could still go on to develop this and have to go through the same to find the right meds and then to learn how to self limit it. with all the knowledge we have now online, I do think all his flight or fight dysregulation, responses to stress, conflict, self focus are linked. At least armed with this information, I could have approached our marriage with more empathy and compassion if nothing else. AIBU for me to still feel angry now and then when I remember this lie by omission and his excuses that it wasnt relevant information to tell me.....I am 48 now, he is 55

FourSevenThree · 27/06/2026 16:37

RachelWardd · 27/06/2026 14:56

Well today I am really struggling. We get one life and we none of us know how much more time we have left - I think a part of me wants to find new love even if I am approaching 50 - I might still be secretly wanting to even in my dotage

Also another part of me wants no new love but just wants to leave him anyway

And then there's the third part that sometimes , some days, says lets fix him....

3)you can't fix him. If he doesn't see himself as broken and doesn't want to fix himself, you can't do it

1/2) If you decide to leave him, you might need some time to heal yourself first. Get to know who are you today when you are yourself. If loves come as well, great, but finding new love shouldn't be your main mission now.

Original poster

RachelWardd · 27/06/2026 14:56

A love that was not built on lies

OP posts:

Original poster

RachelWardd · 27/06/2026 14:56

Well today I am really struggling. We get one life and we none of us know how much more time we have left - I think a part of me wants to find new love even if I am approaching 50 - I might still be secretly wanting to even in my dotage

Also another part of me wants no new love but just wants to leave him anyway

And then there's the third part that sometimes , some days, says lets fix him....

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HelenHywater · 25/06/2026 06:49

I don't know why you're focusing on trying to fix him.

bumblebee3122 · 24/06/2026 22:25

I have both Bipolar and BPD. SV is less likely to be given for BPD. My husband has bipolar and takes SV. Has been on it for years. It does the trick for him. I take mood stabilisers which helps massively - I'm a much more rational person on them.

I'm sorry your DH has lied to you all these years. You had a right to know

Original poster

RachelWardd · 24/06/2026 21:31

Back to reading Julie A Fast's Loving someone with Bipolar disorder and it is helpful, would recommend this for anyone on a similar journey

The other one I wonder about is Borderline personality disorder ....for the mood swings as they are less paced apart than seems to be the norm (weeks at a time) for BiPo

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Original poster

RachelWardd · 23/06/2026 20:54

I understand @Swiftie1878 ....I would be suggesting any friend in such a situation to leave too, better now than never, because it is all founded on a lie ....

Anyway, back to angry again this evening, after one of the books I was reading on Bipolar that was helping - led me to the NHS website on Sodium Val tabs and I saw the NHS advice that men taking it during their partner conceiving , could cause learning and behavioural issues in the child - another bitter resentment spiral.

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Swiftie1878 · 23/06/2026 14:37

RachelWardd · 23/06/2026 13:45

But apparently people with Bipolar stop taking their meds when they should not?

Can we be sure the HWS isnt a cover up for Bipolar , when found taking valporate

It matches so perfectly the mood swings - the books on Bipolar are helping so much, first line 'Dont take it personally, its not him, its the disease talking' has helped already in the past 3 days a lot. I smile gently instead of getting upset as it might just be Bipolar not abusive ass, and he reacts differently then and softens.

I am reading loving someone with Bipolar by two docs now, and going to try everything suggested there, for six months as they suggest - what do I have to lose, esp if I am waiting around for a year more anyway, to give it this one try treating it purely as BiPo.....

I do think an MRI would be useful using modern tech and maybe helpful to him if the new MRIs did reveal need for some Bi Po meds - he has had so many head injuries , or so he says, from the HWE in childhood - that his scalp is flat and soggy in many places like depressions here and there and the stitches or what they are, are more visible now with less hair, previously not noted....

Show quote history

MRI scans can NOT diagnose bi-polar disorder.

Sorry - I’m giving up on you. You won’t see what needs to be seen.
I do, however, wish you the very best.

Original poster

RachelWardd · 23/06/2026 13:45

kirinm · 23/06/2026 12:29

No one has suggested he is anything but responsible for abusing his wife. Constantly trying to diagnose him with something that he is not medicated for and hasn’t been for twenty years + is pointless and done without any actual medical training.

its dangerous and its been encouraged by ill informed posters on this thread.

Show quote history

But apparently people with Bipolar stop taking their meds when they should not?

Can we be sure the HWS isnt a cover up for Bipolar , when found taking valporate

It matches so perfectly the mood swings - the books on Bipolar are helping so much, first line 'Dont take it personally, its not him, its the disease talking' has helped already in the past 3 days a lot. I smile gently instead of getting upset as it might just be Bipolar not abusive ass, and he reacts differently then and softens.

I am reading loving someone with Bipolar by two docs now, and going to try everything suggested there, for six months as they suggest - what do I have to lose, esp if I am waiting around for a year more anyway, to give it this one try treating it purely as BiPo.....

I do think an MRI would be useful using modern tech and maybe helpful to him if the new MRIs did reveal need for some Bi Po meds - he has had so many head injuries , or so he says, from the HWE in childhood - that his scalp is flat and soggy in many places like depressions here and there and the stitches or what they are, are more visible now with less hair, previously not noted....

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Original poster

RachelWardd · 23/06/2026 13:39

FourSevenThree · 22/06/2026 16:02

It's good that things make more sense now.

However, it means he didn't just lie about epilepsy, he lied about something which is known to influence everyday life.

He lied, took your agenda away from you. He is abusive and doesn't mind - if he did, he would be open about it and looking for medical help to minimise the impact.

While some of the individual aspects can be explained by the condition, he is responsible for his choices around this (not telling you and medication).

Unfortunately, bipolar is typically not getting better on it's own, the opposite.

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Yes, it is the selfishness that hurts, but then again life does not give fair chances to people who get childhood illnesses....should they be expected to give fair chances to others , when they were denied a fair chance themselves....Very hard moral question .....would forgiveness be Grace, here.....for the forgiver I mean....

Also as @kirinm said , I did potentially worse with the emotional affair .....no excuses for that and two wrongs do not cancel each other out....He gave me Grace there (if you can call yelling about it for years Grace, ie :-))

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kirinm · 23/06/2026 12:29

FourSevenThree · 22/06/2026 18:39

She isn't a doctor. But she knows for sure that he was lying to her about his health (both by omission and directly - see "vitamins") and hit her when she questioned it.

Now she is once again in a position that "his diagnosis might explain and excuse his behaviour". No matter whether we talk about 1% epilepsy side effect or bipolar, he absolutely responsiblefor lying, hitting and not taking steps to mitigate the effect he has on the family.

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No one has suggested he is anything but responsible for abusing his wife. Constantly trying to diagnose him with something that he is not medicated for and hasn’t been for twenty years + is pointless and done without any actual medical training.

its dangerous and its been encouraged by ill informed posters on this thread.

FourSevenThree · 22/06/2026 18:39

kirinm · 22/06/2026 16:51

The OP isn’t a doctor. She’s been massively influenced by unqualified people on this thread.

Show quote history

She isn't a doctor. But she knows for sure that he was lying to her about his health (both by omission and directly - see "vitamins") and hit her when she questioned it.

Now she is once again in a position that "his diagnosis might explain and excuse his behaviour". No matter whether we talk about 1% epilepsy side effect or bipolar, he absolutely responsiblefor lying, hitting and not taking steps to mitigate the effect he has on the family.

kirinm · 22/06/2026 16:51

FourSevenThree · 22/06/2026 16:02

It's good that things make more sense now.

However, it means he didn't just lie about epilepsy, he lied about something which is known to influence everyday life.

He lied, took your agenda away from you. He is abusive and doesn't mind - if he did, he would be open about it and looking for medical help to minimise the impact.

While some of the individual aspects can be explained by the condition, he is responsible for his choices around this (not telling you and medication).

Unfortunately, bipolar is typically not getting better on it's own, the opposite.

Show quote history

The OP isn’t a doctor. She’s been massively influenced by unqualified people on this thread.

FourSevenThree · 22/06/2026 16:02

RachelWardd · 22/06/2026 14:44

Reading lots of books on bipolar , matches perfectly and even reading is helping me tremendously to understand

It's good that things make more sense now.

However, it means he didn't just lie about epilepsy, he lied about something which is known to influence everyday life.

He lied, took your agenda away from you. He is abusive and doesn't mind - if he did, he would be open about it and looking for medical help to minimise the impact.

While some of the individual aspects can be explained by the condition, he is responsible for his choices around this (not telling you and medication).

Unfortunately, bipolar is typically not getting better on it's own, the opposite.

Swiftie1878 · 22/06/2026 15:04

RachelWardd · 22/06/2026 14:44

Reading lots of books on bipolar , matches perfectly and even reading is helping me tremendously to understand

It doesn’t matter what his diagnosis is. He is no longer being treated for it, and he’s an abusive spouse. Get out.

Original poster

RachelWardd · 22/06/2026 14:44

Reading lots of books on bipolar , matches perfectly and even reading is helping me tremendously to understand

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Original poster

RachelWardd · 20/06/2026 11:57

Thanks for your kind posts and emojis @Pinkdayss .......

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Original poster

RachelWardd · 20/06/2026 11:03

Spent an hour this morning crying to my mother in her 70s, asking her if she knew why I didnt just up and leave in the first few years - she thinks it was due to trauma from my dad's passing that my reflexes were blunted - I just don't have an excuse though really, menopause is not allowing me to grant myself any excuses either equally as it made me give less grace to 'DH'.

The Preston Davey news has been very triggering as well and heartbreaking - it brought up some memories of how I constantly kept DC by my side till they were at least 5 and started school - I was very overprotective , I did trust the female carers at the nursery they went to from age 2.5-5 but no one else. I never trusted him fully and always kept my guard on, I think a part of me thought if he lied about that, what else could he do. It has caused me so much strain over the years constantly keeping an eye on the children when they were smaller and being with them all the time.

They were very happy bubbly evervescent kids and very extroverted social outgoing with other children growing up, no signs of anything untoward. I suppose every mum has been looking back and rechecking after the headlines news , or maybe just the mums with husbands who lie.

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Diamondsareforever72 · 19/06/2026 14:56

RachelWardd · 18/06/2026 12:19

@InspectorDuckedCantBeFooked , @Itisalwayspossibletobekind , and others who have been really supportive.

When he said I had no reason to leave 12 years ago and said he would make custody battle a hell on earth for me if I still choose to go and that they were HIS SONS, I did the following in anger myself, what then naturally followed was a lot of self hate I still carry around for doing the following as it may have been to hurt him when he found out (and he did and he was ANGRY) , but it was a million times more self destructive - I did not recognise myself at all in these acts and yet it was me doing them -

'Fell in love' with a very supportive colleague in my early thirties, did not get physical , told H the truth and that I wanted to leave him to go be with someone who genuinely liked me. H said the DC were his and he would not let them leave with me. I did not want to involve police/legal so I ...stayed.
In my early 40s, I went onto TInder, made a profile only first name and pics - did not hook up with anyone. But talked to guys and enjoyed the attention. Was honest about my situation and single men were okay to hook up anyway, but I didnt go ahead, then I stopped as it was wasting their time too, they werent on TInder to be friends.

Hate myself. Does someone who has done the above, still deserve to say defiantly my life matters? But, a part of me says two wrongs do not cancel each other out, and perhaps I do not deserve happiness as such, but I still should leave him, cos neither does he deserve me staying.

Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t actually DO anything.
Just put it behind you and focus on your future.
48 is still young.

You can still have lots of fun and do all sorts of things.
Please leave him and be happy.

The only things you should regret are the things you DIDN’T do.
Everything else can be laughed at in retrospect or taken a lesson from.

Pinkdayss · 18/06/2026 23:09

He broke any vows when he married you on a very false lie.
Then assaulted you multiple times.

You owe him nothing.
He is a vile, angry abusive liar.

Get organised.
Find somewhere lovely to live.
Get it set up and ready to move into.

Get legal advice.

InspectorDuckedCantBeFooked · 18/06/2026 22:49

RachelWardd · 18/06/2026 12:19

@InspectorDuckedCantBeFooked , @Itisalwayspossibletobekind , and others who have been really supportive.

When he said I had no reason to leave 12 years ago and said he would make custody battle a hell on earth for me if I still choose to go and that they were HIS SONS, I did the following in anger myself, what then naturally followed was a lot of self hate I still carry around for doing the following as it may have been to hurt him when he found out (and he did and he was ANGRY) , but it was a million times more self destructive - I did not recognise myself at all in these acts and yet it was me doing them -

'Fell in love' with a very supportive colleague in my early thirties, did not get physical , told H the truth and that I wanted to leave him to go be with someone who genuinely liked me. H said the DC were his and he would not let them leave with me. I did not want to involve police/legal so I ...stayed.
In my early 40s, I went onto TInder, made a profile only first name and pics - did not hook up with anyone. But talked to guys and enjoyed the attention. Was honest about my situation and single men were okay to hook up anyway, but I didnt go ahead, then I stopped as it was wasting their time too, they werent on TInder to be friends.

Hate myself. Does someone who has done the above, still deserve to say defiantly my life matters? But, a part of me says two wrongs do not cancel each other out, and perhaps I do not deserve happiness as such, but I still should leave him, cos neither does he deserve me staying.

@RachelWardd Of course you deserve happiness! You did not commit adultery!

It is very clear that you have been unhappy with him for a long time. ☹️

bigboykitty · 18/06/2026 15:18

RachelWardd · 18/06/2026 14:40

I just did'nt know how to fix him or help him, or support him, or keep him happy

Maybe some better woman out there will

No one can fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. He's happy as he is - an abuser.

I think it's a really good idea to have a plan and work towards it. Would you think about getting some support from a local domestic abuse organisation in the meantime? You're absolutely spot on to say you have to let go of his narrative. You can't change it or make him see sense. He will never admit what he is and what he's doing. Let him have his made up story. Start to learn to think for yourself outside of his narrative. He has dominated you for ages and it takes time to get to know yourself again 💐

Original poster

RachelWardd · 18/06/2026 14:40

I just did'nt know how to fix him or help him, or support him, or keep him happy

Maybe some better woman out there will

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Original poster

RachelWardd · 18/06/2026 14:39

Will use the next 12 months, to get things prepped. Ducks in row etc.

He will make a dramatic fuss over me 'leaving him' so when I am ready it might be just leaving one fine day and letting him know after the fact. Like he did with me all those years ago, a lie by omission would be fitting way to end this and I a not above it, if it keeps me safe when leaving.

He will have his own story and version - he is very much the wronged party who stuck with me through my tinder craziness and whatnot and now I go do this. I am going to let this be 'the' version and nod along instead of challenging him on it - 'Its not you, its me' - to leave with respect and affection, I still want to be friends even after I have left. Go figure. He was my man, for this lifetime. For sure. Leaving him is not about replacing him at all, I just want to grow old safely and peacefully

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Original poster

RachelWardd · 18/06/2026 14:34

@FourSevenThree and @bigboykitty

Thank you both very grateful for your posts.

I am going to leave as soon as younger DC leaves in 14 months to Uni.....

I cannot still bear the thought of leaving H all alone in this house , just upping and leaving and taking DC along, nor do I feel like leaving DC - I also think DC may be weaponised and asked to choose and made to feel guilty and so on.

All simplified in 12-14 months, as DC will be at uni and they can choose alternate weekends or one weekend a month each to come to me versus their dad if they choose to stay on campus one or two weekends a month, if that makes sense. We can each visit DC separately - and they can come to us likewise separately.

It wont feel like leaving him all alone, hes practically a third child because he can be in these very upbeat, childlike enthusiasm moods when he is in that zone. I cant help thinking of him as ND even though he is not diagnosed so. Maybe I am the one who is, but this is my life and I can only talk from my own experience in my shoes, walking this path for 23 years.

Finances are already very straightforward, we both have our own careers and money to survive. Thank God.

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