AIBU to expect quieter after-school time for my only child?

This is around the age when my son started enjoying reading by himself. Before that, he wanted near-constant interaction with us, which was very tiring. Does he like to read?

Definitely true, I have a similar(ish) child though he does have significant learning difficulties which are acknowledged by all. The distress not being acknowledged by school is causing all kinds of issues though, and it's destroying our home life again. So I definitely believe you. I probably misunderstood what I was replying to. It's been a hell of day.

Yes, but its common for parents to only see the brunt of issues for high masking children. My ADHD child is beautifully behaved at school but self harms in ways that are hidden and no other parents would know. He also struggles with sleeping, eating,.intrusive thoughts, horrendous RSD, suicidal ideation etc and now rarely attends school. Its not something that is on the radar of parents or teachers like a child that is disruptive. But it has an impact on the family and him that is absolutely enormous.

I guess if they're self harming or have addictions that is external (and to some extent observable) behaviour though?

Although I agree with you that sadly self harm is rarely taken as seriously as behaviour that is "challenging" to other people.

You said, lets not pretend that kids who find it tricky and kids who are about to get kicked out are the same, as if that's the scale for how severe the adhd is.

I just wanted to point out that my child is not at risk of getting kicked out of school but also nobody would describe his adhd as mild because of the challenges he faces, so that's not the scale adhd should be measured on to me. Hope that makes sense, no disrespect.

It's most probably a child thing rather than an only child thing.

My daughter was an only child up until 5 and has always been happy to sit with her own thoughts and play. She is very much the same as I was. She has a friend who is a pseudo only child as her siblings are 13 and 18 years older than her and her mum is always saying that after school she spends the whole time playing with her daughter as she won't do things on her own.

My partner is the younger sibling with a nearly 3 year age hal5 and he has to be around people and from talking to my mil has always been this way and was her shadow.

Ahh thank you. Sorry, I think your title and your OP made it sound more like you wanted to do less playdates and more 'quiet time'.

You are his mum , ie his carer and protector, not his social secretary. Let him have some playfates and some garden toys to help him burn off energy and find his own amusements at home the rest of the time.

It is unfair to judge ND levels by how an outsider experiences them instead of how the person with the condition experiences them. A child throwing chairs around the class is often going to be seen as 'worse' ADHD because it impacts others directly.

Whereas others will have more internal or masked ADHD and could be unable to read and write, end up self harming or with addictions etc. It can be just as severe despite it not being so apparent externally.

It sounds like you're doing great if you already have 3 afternoons with activities or friends and it's fine not to want to be doing something every single day
How about doing some cooking or baking together.

It was an example of two boys I know well not a premise; the premise is that there are levels of impact adhd has on people’s lives, this is very very well evidenced and proven and it is not ok to jump on anyone who tries to express that. My brother, for another example, would say he’s had a great life, loves his job, awesome group of friends, it’s all true, and not calling it mild adhd is offensive to those really struggling.

We did lots of star wars light saber battles in the garden followed by quieter TV time inside - at that age DS2’s favourite was Steve Backshall programmes . DS1 was obsessed with cars at 7/8/9 - Top Gear, the Stig etc. But we always did some physical activity first.

I think it’s more pronounced this time of year too. DD1 is straight home from school and out in garden with DD2 sometimes for a couple of hours after school, just because it’s light, warmer, etc. Whereas I would need to decompress after a day around so many people, DD1 seems to need to expend some energy somehow. She is very creative so will often sit with the air clay and stuff but at the moment it’s full-on garden mayhem with little sister. If she was an only, I imagine we would have to do a lot more to entertain her.

I was thinking exactly the same. My ADHD 12 year old is still like a puppy - needs walked numerous times a day. We did lots of park meetups with other kids. Biking, trampoline, dog walks, swimming, anything involving exercise. Sometimes I would go to the park with a book and let him do laps with his bike when he eas that age.

But you do want him to change, you want him to potter round quietly with you at home instead of wanting to play with other kids all the time instead. He doesn't want to do that, he's told you that, but that's what you want him to do.

I totally get you OP. Even with multiple play dates and activities if they're an only they either have to be left to their own devices or be entertained by you. It's hard!

Playdates and clubs at don't fill that void a sibling does at 8am on a Saturday. It's just not as much fun playing by yourself as it is with someone else.

I just swing between guilt and exhausted!

My 6 year old goes to wraparound care and burns energy there but he still wants entertaining at home.
lately the following have been great.
Swing time
picnic in the garden- just for variety instead of eating inside
lego obstacle course
marble rush
stories… taking it in turns to read

and … it’s ok to just chill and watch tv!

But also - YANBU to sometimes prioritise what you want to know. He has needs but so do you and being “in” a day or two a week is totally valid and he will learn to manage his own energy (potentially by running round and round and round the house but still!)

Ooh and apart from left field dog suggestion I was going to suggest setting up a circuit or obstacle course in the garden if you have space. You could time him doing it and he could see if he could improve and you could make it harder etc over time. We had this as kids and I was obsessed. Something like run to the end of the garden and back, 10 star jumps or burpees, walk along some kind of balance beam to the trampoline, 20 bounces, hop across to the other side of the garden, blow up a balloon, and jump back to the house with balloon between his knees without popping it (could do water balloons when hot). Or anything else - bouncing a ball or singing a favourite song while standing on one leg, shouting abracadabra while waving a wand… you get the idea. Infinite variation and you just need the stopwatch on your phone.

My similar age child needs something active every day. Not always in groups but if nothing planned I still take him out for a walk in woods or on his bike, or similar as well as chilling in afterwards or playing indoors. But he def needs a good 90mins to burn off energy

He also does a adhd focused gym and balance class 5-6pm one afternoon, and football twice a week 5-6.30pm ( usually after walk/ bike/ park also). Hes happy to help in garden once home from these once energy burnt off a bit. Hes never tired