To think being well-adjusted is a privilege no one acknowledges enough?

Well put, @Thepeopleversuswork. When I compare my parents, for example, my Mum was the well-adjusted person, despite having a far harder upbringing than my Dad. A lot of it came down to taking responsibility and control of her own life tbh, she made the most of her opportunities.

Why do we need to draw a line though? Can’t we just accept that it’s nuanced but acknowledge that some people have a more privileged start than others?

I agree that people with traumatic upbringings aren't operating on a level playing field.

But I'm uncomfortable with this line of argument because it absolves people of responsibility for their own lives. Everyone has some form of disadvantage in their lives. Who gets to decide whether the trauma is significant enough for that person to not be expected to observe the norms of decent human behaviour?

Also disadvantage isn't as straightforward as you suggest. It's possible to be comfortably off with two married parents but have physical limitations or suffer from severe mental health problems. I grew up in a very affluent town, surrounded by wealthy, superficially very privileged people and there was a very high incidence of mental illness and drug taking. At the other end of the scale there are many people who come from incredibly disadvantaged backgrounds who manage to reset their lives through bloody-mindedness. Sometimes being too comfortable can be a setback because people don't get opportunities to develop the resilience they need.

Severe trauma is definitely a handicap and not to be ignored or minimised but where do you draw the line?

I disagree- the point isn’t absolving people of personal responsibility for what they don’t have, it’s recognising the privilege of those who do.

I agree OP. A regulated nervous system is everything. It’s not that many people who grow up that peacefully, but they are privileged

I don’t think anyone gets to 40 without some kind of trauma but I don’t think ranking trauma and labelling people as privileged is helpful. I am who I am because of my trauma but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I have often thought being positive / generally happy by default is a real privilege.

Hard disagree. We're all adults with control over our lives and at some point you have to make a choice and work hard to get better from trauma. My childhood was unbelievably traumatic. I also have ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. What people don't like to admit is that you have a choice, and making trauma your whole personality just makes you stuck in that moment forever. Some people will need professional help to get through this (I did) but I really believe that everyone can heal from trauma, they just need to find the right approach that works for them. What I noticed from being around a lot of "mental health bloggers" 10 years ago was that a lot of people just want to wallow and do not try to get better, and blame everyone and everything else for their problems, as well as resenting/pushing out people actively trying to heal which obviously creates a social group where people are incentivised to stay unwell. I'd imagine that's all on Tiktok etc now. Moving past that takes time and work but it can be done.

I’m 58 . I didn’t have an even playing field due to undiagnosed ND. That ship has sailed and nothing can be done to bring back the years and potential. But no one owes me anything. We have to play the hand we are dealt.

I agree.

In that, my dc are very lucky materially and have a clean comfortable home, nutritious and plentiful food, appropriate clothing and plenty of books, toys etc.

However the very luckiest thing for my dc is their stable loving home with 2 present and predictably dependent and supportive parents. They have a wide extended family of interested and invested adults. They live in a community where they are included and participate.

I don't know how your even the playing field for those factors.

I voted YABU as this line of thinking ultimately ends up trying to absolve everyone of any kind of personal responsibility. We are all the product of our genetics and our upbringing. Almost all of us will have experienced some trauma and have some ND traits that could lead to undesirable personality traits that adversely impact others. For society to function at all then the vast majority of us need to work on ourselves and manage these traits as much as possible. Of course there will be people too damaged from trauma or with extreme ND traits that won't be able to do this but this has to be the exception. It's not easy and it can feel very unfair that life doesn't deal us all an even hand but this is true with everything. We can't use it as an excuse to behaviour terribly and be burden on others.

Also, growing up in a supportive family with both parents around is a huge privilege that is never recognised or acknowledged as such.