AIBU to feel hurt that my friend is avoiding meeting my baby?

I'm glad because it would have been so awkward accepting congratulations, visits and gifts if I hadn't done the same for them (if I even still had friends that had not drifted apart after that).

As someone who has been through infertility and years of IVF hell where I would cry at the sight of a baby or a pregnant woman and couldn't tolerate baby showers etc. I can confirm I still have friends because normal people have empathy for other peoples pain and it's not normal to ditch someone because they are in too much pain to do what you want them to do. I didn't see my sister for months when she was pregnant because she kept warbling on about the miracle of life and it was so insensitive. I went to see my week old nephew, sat in silence for 10 minutes, wouldn't hold him and left in tears. After that she finally understood my pain and never pushed me to visit or play with the baby or the subsequent ones after that. 3 years later my baby was born, she came and visited, held her, gushed over how beautiful she was and said "I'm so glad you got your happy ending, I've been wishing for it for years. Can we go back to normal now? I've missed you" years later were just as close as ever and our children play together when we visit and it's like nothing ever happened. It's a small blip in a lifelong relationship. Same with a few friends, one who had been through infertility herself and said I understand why you don't want to see me. Let me know when you're ready and we didn't talk for months. When I announced my pregnancy she reappeared, full of joy and congratulations and said "Are you ready to pick up where we left off? I missed you!" and that's exactly what we did.

Normal people don't just ditch people they care about for not being able to ignore their own pain. It's totally normal to still have friends left after avoiding painful experiences and only callous people would honestly sit there, full of joy with a babe in arms, feeling truly blessed and ditch a friend in pain for not being able to come and celebrate for them. I've got friends who are still going through their own IVF hell, I have never mentioned my pregnancy or daughter to them unless they asked which was very rare, I know their pain. I don't expect them to just suck it up because I love them. I want them to suffer as little as possible, not crying inside while cooking over my child.

I did. I didn't have a baby til years later (last of the group/family to have one). I was starting to accept it wouldn't happen for me.

I would like another but its unlikely to happen now. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy for those having another though.

I understand the pangs of jealousy etc but it's my issue and don't want to take it out on my friends.

I'm glad because it would have been so awkward accepting congratulations, visits and gifts if I hadn't done the same for them (if I even still had friends that had not drifted apart after that).

If you hadn’t ever had your baby do you think you’d have acted the same way?

Kindly you are not in the same shoes. You have your baby. She isn’t even in a position to TTC. Be a bit sensitive. Your baby is only important to you; I never expected anyone else to want to meet my baby.

I'm so sorry for your losses and very pleased for you that you now have your baby. I think it's a wonderful thing.

However I've also been where your friend has and I know you have. But watching everyone around me have their happy ever after, has broken something inside of me.

I will never have a baby with my partner after decisions he has made so I need to find the strength and break away. And we did try for a while and it never happened for me. I saw people around me having baby after baby and celebrating on Facebook. Never felt so inferior or shite. I came off social media for a long time as comparison is thief of joy. Strangely enough I found them being pregnant more hard than when the baby arrived. I still did the baby showers and things but then people ask you uncomfortable questions.

When are you having kids? Type shit.

I once had an ex school friend message me out of the blue on Facebook when was I was having kids... like wtf is that even normal to message someone? I should have told her to mind her own business but instead I thought I'd shut her up with sometimes people have trouble trying. And she shut the fuck up straight away.

Everyone does things in their own time and grieves in their own way. Your friend has been honest with you. I know it might seem hurtful but surely you can have a friendship without the involvement of your child? Maybe you can meet up and see your friend when your child is a bit older and can stay with dad or a relative if you're single.

I never ever thought my life would end up like this...

Thing is that she isnt in a relationship. She has no hope of a baby at the moment.
Sometimes people just cant put on a brave face

Well then I'll copy and paste my reply...

"You don't 'navigate' it, you accept it.

You're two different women who handle feelings and emotions differently.

She'll meet your baby in her own time."

In all life situations, when you've got two people who want the same thing and the first one gets it and the second hasn't yet, it behooves the person with good fortune to be the bigger person and try understand and respect their friend's needs and pain.

I've been in OP's friends shoes desperately wanting a baby but not even being able to try due to being single after a relationship ended as he didn't want kids any time soon. It's absolutely excruciating. It feels so far away and impossible.

It's a bit like a staircase, when you're single and want a child you're at the bottom. If you meet someone and date you're one step up. If you get serious it's another step up. If you manage to get things stable enough to realistically try, it's another step up. If you're lucky enough to be able to actually TTC, that's another step up. The next step up is being able to have a baby. Being at the bottom is very, very different to being near the top, as painful as that is in many ways too.

Be understanding.

I have been lucky enough to have one child, and I am so incredibly grateful to have had him. I wanted a second but it wasn't to be for various reasons. After going through it and the final decision that it wouldn't be on the cards we adopted a kitten. I call him my rainbow cat!

I meant it in the way that him coming into my life after the heartache of not being able to have a second felt like the rain clearing and a rainbow coming out.

OP, the way you speak about your friend is diminishing and disrespectful. You are acting like you are some superior being due to you managing loss differently to her. It’s not a competition.

You don’t tell her anything. You don’t navigate anything. You just enjoy your baby, and if she shows up - good for her; if she doesn’t, seek support at this stage from elsewhere.

But what kind of way is that to think about a friend?

Ultimately if you’re pregnant and have a baby, you got what you want. They don’t, and possibly never will. Pretty sure people have gotten really depressed and worse, not everyone can live with that.

My only concern in this situation would be my friend becoming isolated.

As a pregnant woman or new mum, seek support elsewhere! It is unbelievably selfish to insist that a woman going through such grief and disappointment rallies around a new baby. Ask someone else!

Except she hasn't 'ditched her friend', she's simply not seen her in the seven weeks since she gave birth. Hardly a dumping offence.

You made your choice to override your own feelings to 'show up for your friends'. Other people may choose not to.

It sounds like your friend is not only grieving for the baby she lost (everyone grieves differently- I lost 3 and grieved each one differently) as she’s also single she may be looking the her “clock” ticking and coming to a realisation that she may never be a mum- that is very painful and she may well be processing that. It may also be that it’s around her due date/the date of the loss. She’s been honest with you about her feelings so please don’t push her.

Clearly I'm in the minority but I don't think she's being a good friend to you. I struggled with infertility for 7 years and still showed up for my friends and family who had babies. You can be sad for yourself while being supportive to your loved ones.

Thankfully I did have a baby myself and I'm so glad I didn't ditch my friends when they first had their babies or made them feel uncomfortable or act like their baby didn't exist for my own comfort. I bet if she got pregnant she'd expect support from you while ignoring that she wasn't there when it was your turn.

Bless you. I read your post and it really touched me. My husband and I are currently going through fertility treatment. I’m so sorry for your experience. I think what I’ve learned is that some people simply don’t understand childlessness. They just don’t get it whatsoever. It’s an active form of grief. You’re grieving a future you want/wanted, and it shifts your identity. It’s wild that in 2026, people are yet to grasp this. It needs much better awareness. Thank you for sharing your story, and much love to you 🧡x

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

You are being unreasonable in respect of your friend. It's great that she has been honest with you. I wouldn't assume that she doesn't feel happy for you- she's just not able to be there in person for reasons that are completely understandable.

Just came on to say that I had never heard the phrase "rainbow baby" before so I went away and googled it. I think that is such a lovely phrase. Congratulations ❤️

You don’t sound like you’re as close as you think if you didn’t know about her pregnancy loss and that she wants kids. 7 weeks is not that long. I’d take a step back and give her time.

I think your friend has given you a perfectly reasonable explanation, which I would respect and let her lead.

And friends were visiting me, not the baby!

OP without reading TFT it is hard to say anything, but there are multiple very valid reasons why she is avoiding. It says a lot (nice way) about you, you noticed.

Everyone grieves and deals with things differently.

You can’t take offence that she hasn’t wanted to meet your baby, you just need to make it very clear that you understand and you’re there for her whenever she needs you.

I have recently had a baby and a family member recently had a miscarriage. She didn’t even make eye contact with the baby when she was finally in the same room as him and I hold no bad feelings at all. I can’t control how she feels or how long it will take her to feel more comfortable with addressing him but it will happen when it happens.

Congratulations, OP. But I’m sure you know, better than anyone else, why it’s so difficult for her at the moment.

Please don’t put her in the difficult position of having to meet your baby and show enthusiasm for you when she’s struggling with infertility.

if you’re a good friend, you’ll respect her pain and avoid talking about your baby too much. She will find it difficult to hear it and you know why.

Some people can compartmentalise situations and separate their grief from others happiness. I am one of those people. But that isn't a boast because I recognise it can make it appear that I lack empathy for others situations. I am autistic though, and it is just how my brain works.

I also think it can be a trauma response and I do think it is in your case actually.

You were going through something quite traumatic both emotionally and physically and your brain protected you from possibly criticism from others for not showing up, from yourself and thoughts that might have been formed in your upbringing (stiff upper lip upbringing). Possibly even a natural fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. Fawning so that the attention isn't on what's going wrong for you and putting the attention on others.

I think it's ok for you to feel sad that your friend hasn't come to meet your baby. You had an idea of a close relationship and the reality is different.

It's also OK to feel sad for your friend, who I'm sure also wanted the same thing, but just can't because of her circumstances. I think if you want to remain close friends with her, you should text her and let her know you understand and don't want to force things before she is ready but you'll be there for her when she is. It keeps the door open for her and let's her know she isn't alone as it can be quite an isolating position to be in.