To want to start the day with a tidy house???

Yes. If you have never had a dishwasher, you can often smell this very distinctive dishwasher smell as soon as the door is open. People with dishwashers only start to smell it when it is quite bad and sewage-like.

It's a wet box where you put old food and leave it closed most of the day. Of course it will smell.

This is abnormal.

No, if they handwashed everything as they went. Including during cooking. Soon as you finish needing that pan, wash it up. Waiting for something to boil? Wash up anything dirty. Those simple rules along with doing anything that takes under 2 mins immediately really help.

They stink?

Yes. All the time. They stink within a week of cleaning them and you have to rewash a lot of the stuff that comes out. Especially if it has been in the oven.

Yeah that's not ok, he's effectively taking 2 hours of extra leisure time and you're picking up at least an hour of domestic labour - not a fair swap. I'd just say "I'm off to do bedtime, please can you tidy the kitchen so we can relax afterwards". I'm personally not a fan of leaving downstairs overnight anyway, nothing annoys me more than a messy kitchen at 7am - just say this to him, use it as a chance to redistribute some load.
I'd work out why bedtime is quite so long though, why do you need to stay until she's asleep? Do the routine, tuck in and then leave in her cot (unless she is crying/distressed and then you can both take it in turns to settle her and get her back into bed).

Ive never unstable a dishwasher in anyone's house and not had to reclean some of the items.

The other thing is that people say they are more sanitary because they kill more germs. That is the case during the cycle, but as soon as it cools, anything that is inside the dishwasher in terms of food debris becomes a source of bacteria. You are also not putting these plates into a sterile environment in your cupboard.

If I had the OP's issues, I'd try this new ethos in the house and see if everyone cleaning more as they go works better than what they're doing now.

There you have it OP, your life would be immensely easier if you just hand washed all your dishes after cooking dinner. And while you’re at it, make sure you leave your 2 year olds plate, that little free loader needs to do it himself.

Have you used a modern dishwasher?
They don’t regularly leave plates dirty nor do you have to soak anything.
In what world is a dishwasher tablet any more of a gimmick than dish soap??
You have some very peculiar and narrow views.

I’ve never pre rinsed or pre soaked anything and my dishes always come out of the dishwasher clean.

will you stop please about the dishwashers
you do not pre rise or pre soak anything eveything is stacked it. you scrap not rinse before goes in. dishwashers have sensors to detect how dirty dishes are and by pre rising you are basically lying to the dishwasher therfore it doesn't clean them properly
dishwashers are a brilliant time saving device. more cost effective than hand washing as well as being more environmentally friendly than handwashing

I don’t tidy after 7/8pm.
I literally just don’t have the energy if I have to be up at 5am.
I also need to wind down before bedtime.

But I will do as much as I can before that time (usually whilst dinner is cooking) and then the dirty dishes are usually put in the sink and I’ll do them the next day.

Ask him to choose between putting DS to bed or spending 20mins doing the dishes and putting the toys away.
He can’t do neither.

No i said repeatedly that the whole house needs a new ethos. Dishwashers often do not wash plates properly and you have to prerinse or presoak everything. That is why the bestselling gimmick of a dishwasher detergent is that you do not have to do that (unless you read the small print and then it says you might have to wash it more than once).

When people ask me how ive kept on top of things with a bunch of kids and a husband who was often working long hours, it woukd literally be because I keep to the ethos I am speaking of here. That's how I managed to have relaxing evenings alone and we had them together. We all kept to this ethos and raised our kids to see it as a norm.

Not everyone’s job is the same though. In between my meetings I’m working.

100 percent agree with everything you said
it's also more hygenic and cheaper to use a dishwasher then wash by hand. dishwashers are the quickest way to tidy the the kitchen load it all in switch on and then unload when finished. mine is postioned directly beside where plates cups etc are stored so literally grabbing and move next door
also it should be a tag team one parent does bath time and one tidies up swapping each day so not one person is left soley to do same thing
op you need to nip this in the bud now or else resentment seeps in big time though say its all ready creeping in

Exactly. My DH always gets his relaxing in, whether that’s watching TV at night, staying in bed at the weekend. Or sitting in his phone while DS watches cartoons. I never sit down…

There would be less to do after 9pm if OP’s husband tidied up while she was putting their child to bed. Why would you try and think of ways the OP can fit more into her day when her husband is spending 2 hours watching films and playing on his phone?

I don’t know how anyone can read this thread and think the dishwasher is the problem rather than grown man sitting in his phone for two hours while his wife sorts their child 😅.

@TheHateUGive couldn’t agree less, I’ve been without dishwashers at various times due to moving, it breaking, holiday stay etc and I would not choose to live without one. It wouldn’t save me less time at all.
I find it crazy that anyone could wash dishes properly in less time than it takes to put them in a dishwasher.

As you eat and take your plate to the sink and wash it
This works when you are an adult living alone, it doesn’t always work with young kids particularly in the evening when they are tired and need you for various things.

Regardless, your being obtuse, the issue quite clearly isn’t the housework, it’s the division of labour and all of your suggestions seem to revolve around OP just doing most things, being the one to deal with DC and squeezing in every domestic task into other times of her day.

Absolutely drop the nap! I know thats not your original question but bedtime shouldnt take thst long. You need to alternate bedtime. Neither of sit down until our toddler is asleep and house is tidy.

I was ensuring that it wasn't a situation where the kid was home while she was wfh.

I am answering as to how there can be less to do after 9pm at night which would go a long way towards solving the problem.

kids should not be around when you are wfh full stop
the op has not asked anything about her wfh job she has asked about evening time after work when her husband is home
not everyone is as lucky as you to be able to do housework during work either

It's not her bedtime routine, it's her child's bedtime routine.

Some children are difficult to get to sleep and they are, anyone who cares would ensure that the difficult task is rewarded with a tidy AND clean house.

I spoke extensively about how dishwashers ultimately create more work. It's best to wash plates and everything else as you go. This is what I mean about a new ethos.

My best friend never believed me about the dishwasher thing until she moved to a house without one and saw that it created much more work overall. With the Maintainence, redoing things it doesnt do properly and the stacking/unstacking that isnt ever done in a timely fashion so you've constantly got a backlog in a busy house.

My other friend has got 2 full size dishwashers to achieve the same goal of not having things constantly cluttering the sides waiting to go in or a machine waiting to be emptied.

As you eat and take your plate to the sink and wash it, you also wash off the table where you just were and tidy it up. If everyone does this kind of thing, the place will be a lot tidier.

So even with ASD/ADHD children, you need to at least explore letting them et bored and entertain themselves. Assuming they have games, lego, anbox of crafts, books or the tv, they should be able to while away an hour or so in unstructured activity without a parent. It is like when they had to learn to self-sooth an get to sleep alone as babies.

It is really important for cognitive development, self esteem, resilience that you create space for a child to be bored and have to solve the problem of ‘what to do with themselves’ without your input. Reframe it as necessary for him, rather than as neglectful of you - and grit your teeth and tell him to go and find something to do. Both of mine are AuDHD - this created space for them to focus on their current passions, even from 5 or 6y old they got lost in lego or duplo or drawing (we didn’t know about ASD/ADHD at the time, so no pandering or excusing).