AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

I don’t know where you have been but experimenting with makeup at 11/12 has been normal for at least 30 years!

It's none of your business. Let him parent his child his way and life will go a lot smoother.

Im wondering if PP’s strong anti makeup feelings are because it’s viewed as in some way ‘sexual’ and adult. Whereas in my experience it’s just another type of toy at that age - many young girls go from drawers of beautifully organised and much loved lined up pens, pencils and other stationery to lines of pretty lip salves, blush and so on. It’s pretty similar to them - just drawing on a different surface and just as innocent.

11 in primary or secondary school? Primary there was the odd girl wearing makeup when my DD was that age two years ago. But last year when she started secondary school aged 11 most girls were wearing it

How do you get on with her mum? Maybe you could talk to her about it and she might discuss it with him.
I don't like 11 year olds wearing makeup to school either and had a rule with DD that she wasn't allowed until she was a teenager, but its not such a big issue. I'd be more concerned about him being a Disney dad in all areas and that's a discussion worth having or the teenage years will be very difficult for you all.

No, he's fine with his 11 year old acting exactly like a typical 11 year old. Yes of course not all 11 Yr olds qear makeup but plenty do... its not the end of the world

Many girls now go through puberty at 12 or earlier. Experimentation with one’s appearance / self consciousness tends to go alongside puberty.

I think my cohort were lucky that 13 was more common back in the day, but I’m afraid nature or other factors have other ideas.

I agree. And I def judge parents who let their children go out with makeup so young. 14/15 they start around here. Def not 11!

But you're not her mum so just tell dp that other parents might judge him and tell their children not to play with his daughter because they don't want them to be influenced.

School should ban it absolutely, and if the teacher in the OP's post is just shrugging her shoulders then that's not great. I actually agree with the OP that her husband should be intervening here.

But kids have wanted to act more grown up than they really are since time immemorial. For lots of girls (though by no means all) starting to experiment with make up is a normal part of asserting a bit more independence and autonomy over their appearance. It's really not something I'd be concerned about, just guiding the child about when it's not appropriate and when it is.

Actually, if her dad has noticed, it isn’t subtle!!

Kids experiment with makeup from the first time they find a makeup bag in reach. Because they cope the behaviour of adults in order to learn how to adult.

But he isn't so.. Just let it go.

I think parenting teenagers is hard and if you aren’t able to either stay uninvolved or for him to let you be involved this won’t work. There’s lots of different ways to parent and lots of options between neglectful and helicopter - you seem to sit in different places and that will be hard work. You aren’t the parent here and he doesn’t want you to be. So you need to either let go and watch whatever happens or walk away.

Anecdotally loads of 11 year olds were wearing a bit of makeup to school when my daughter was that age. She’s not particularly girly like that but she wears some now at 13. Couldn’t believe the size of the eyelashes at her P7 dance!

OP, I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable, and sadly I have to agree with GCAcademic, that on these pages, a stepmother’s place is necessarily in the wrong, no matter how hard you try. I would ask your DH what he wants you to do by way of parenting his daughter: are you to ignore all behaviour and leave it entirely up to him to do the parenting, set boundaries, supervise phone use and leave you to treat his DD as you would a visiting niece, or does he want you to co-parent with him, because he can’t have it both ways and expect you to do the “grunt work” of parenting while letting your DSD run rings round you. As you say, either you’re a part of his DC’s life and able to say things, or you leave it entirely up to him. It’s not easy, OP - and for what it’s worth, I think an eleven year old wearing make up to school is ridiculous, and while there may be a couple of friends doing so, it will by no means be every other girl in the class.

But it shouldn't be normal. How have we got to a point where kids are 'experimenting' with makeup at 11? They certainly shouldn't be wearing it at school. Schools need to ban it. Kids should be kids until they're not kids.

If she is being rude, harming animals, throwing hard objects at tv or being trouble in other ways I get there is an issue but as much as I think make up looks terrbile that is none of your business

I think you can disagree without demanding that he do differently. That's your problem. Make a case, with reasons, and let him decide. It's not worth getting angry about.

Unless she’s gone overboard and looks like a drag queen ( in which case you’d do better to teach her a more subtle age appropriate pallet) then the make up is a triviality.

Many of the strictest independent schools now allow subtle make up ( concealer; non obvious foundation, lip balm) from 11 or so. It does girls no good and inhibits their learning if they are rendered miserable and self conscious by spots or acne. Let them cover up if it helps their self esteem. To quote an old adage, make up not only makes one look better, but feel better.

There may be be a wider issue here about your partner’s parenting, but IMO make up isn’t the hill to die on.

His child, his rules. If his parenting is really upsetting you, you may have to rethink whether you want to be with this man as it's only going to get worse as she gets older. BTW I agree that 11 is too young for make up anywhere, let alone school.

What is he lax about? Food? Does that mean he feeds her? Phone use? Does that mean he allows he use of her phone?

Explain how he is lax about these things

I think his girlfriend shouldn’t be trying to parent his child.

Choose your battles, OP. Is make-up really the hill you want your marriage to die on?

For lots of girls, make-up helps them feel more confident and helps them fit in. In a world where our children's mental health seems to be at an all time low, I don't know how that can be anything other than a good thing.

Make-up may not be your bag, and it's certainly not mine, but if it helps her feel good about herself then you really shouldn't try to stop it.

And I don't know that you really get a say anyway. It's reasonable for you to expect your DP to take your views into account when DSC's behaviour affect you and family life but this is rather different.

I'd not have said anything because I wouldn't welcome the same input about my parenting/kids.

Are you fine with him criticising your parenting choices and insisting you do things differently with your own children/grandchildren?

It sounds like his behaviour is lax in general. I have a 10yo and she generally follows the rules, no phone etc. Sometimes she wants to break a minor rule e.g. not tying her hair up and I tell her it's up to her to navigate. I realise wearing make-up is a bigger rule break, but (presumably at the end of year 6) I can understand if people are picking their battles somewhat. However it sounds like he isn't having any battles and if he is lax at 11, things are likely to be difficult between you as she gets older.