AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

Yes I see what you mean, but my point is that the child’s parents don’t seem to be compromising together to present a joint front on whether they expect their child to keep to the school rules or allow her openly to break them.

I do agree with the mother and step-mother as it happens but ann anssumption that the mum is anlqays right isn’t quite what I meant.

As a retired teacher, I think you are completely right. I used to get fed up with parents taking the easy, "aren't I a lovely parent who's your friend" route instead of helping teachers by enforcing school rules
You are talking extreme. Challenging rules is a perfectly normal teenage development stage.

It's good for teenagers to learn that both parents AND other firms of authority can challenge them on not following rules.

What would be wrong is if she got punished at school and then the dad made a point to say the school was wrong instead of backing the school 100% at that stage.

The school doesnt care if shes in make up, her father doesnt care if shes in make up.. so why is this your hill to die on?

Regarding the make up YABU, shes not your kid, she wants to fit it in, hes made his decision about his child. Butt out.

That said where someones reaction isnt proportionate (yours isnt) id be asking whats the real problem and are you compatible?

For me, my 11 year old would not be wearing make up. I also dont allow heels. Lots of equally good or even better parents than me are fine with both.

I wouldn’t have allowed lots of make up myself. But a little lip salve for dry lips and concealer for spots was fine until much older. But as I said, the makeup is a red herring.

The greater issue from your update is the failure by the child’s parents to agree a position on key issues which is very unhealthy for her and likely to cause issues. If they have her best interests at heart rather than personal ego and point scoring, they’d understand that agreeing a common position is better to avoid contravening the other’s authority and to head off teenage fights in other areas.

I wouldn't let my 11 year old DD wear makeup to school but with my DSD if her dad didn't object I wouldn't see it as my business. There are many things I do with my DS that DH wouldn't do with his kids and vice versa but we stay in our lanes, unless we ask the other for support, or one of the kids has done something out of order when the parent isn't present in which case we address it at the time and handover to the parent.

So he really isn’t working with her mum is he. Does that feel a bit red flaggish to you, OP?
That says more about you to question this. Why should the male parent be the one to align with the female parent when it comes to parenting? Why not the other way?

There is no right or wrong in this scenario. I'm sure my DD has gone to school with make up at that age. I wouldn't have known, I left for work before she was up. She was a stellar student and is now in a stellar career. Ironically, she hates make up and never wear any, even going to work in her late 20s.

There is a lot of things children do that I dont personally agree with but there is difference in my opinion on what they are doing and what is none of my business, if the school allows it it is allowed

That sounds a bit passive aggressive and unhealthy. Think about it - wouldn’t more general discussion on the issue to find a way forward be a better way to deal with it as these types of problems arise in the future?

Unfortunately you’ve made the mistake of posting on here while being a stepmother, OP. Accept that you are in the wrong. You are not allowed to have an opinion on anything or ever set a rule, even if it’s in the house that you own
That's not the issue. Having an opinion is sharing it in a constructive manner is absolutely what couple should do.

A SM insisting to the point of fighting that her opinion is the only possible right one and that by him not obeying her and doing as he's told is unacceptable is dreadful controlling behaviour. To then act like they are the victim is indeed not going to trigger sympathy from most people.

Why does any SP think that their views on parenting and disciplining should prevail that of the actual parent is beyond me.

As a retired teacher, I think you are completely right. I used to get fed up with parents taking the easy, "aren't I a lovely parent who's your friend" route instead of helping teachers by enforcing school rules. However, you probably won't win so rethink your relationship. As you say, with teenage years it's likely to get much worse.

Well at the end of the day that’s the problem with co parenting, not the makeup. Both parents are able to set what they feel are age appropriate rules in their home, the mother gets to make the rules on her time.

So he really isn’t working with her mum is he. Does that feel a bit red flaggish to you, OP?

Presumably you are not an 11 year old child who is wearing make up for different reasons for an actual adult.

I don't know where you get that idea from. The majority of posts I've seen are usually telling the OP that they're not the nanny and their 'DPs' are responsible for their own children. They are usually warning about divorced men who are on the lookout for a substitute mother to pick up the 'woman' work.

If you have a relationship with a person with children, that will come with compromises and frustrations, however and 'blended families' are often a shitshow. I wouldn't do it!

You have your views on parenting, he has his. Why should yours prevail when ultimately, she's his daughter and not yours.

You are absolutely in your right to let him know your opinion, but you were forcing him to adopt your discipline method and then criticised him and made him feel shit for not going for what you told him to do. That's controlling behaviour.

Ultimately, I don't think his approach is that bad. Let her get in trouble with school so she understands the consequences of her actions....and let's face it, there's a lot worse a kid can do. Quite common behaviour of teenage girls all across the generations.

You really need to consider your approach to this because it is going to seriously harm your relationship with your OH and this will impact on your SD negatively much more than her wearing make up to school.

I think the point about leaving school to deal with it is valid. If rule is no make up that’s the rule. That’s the attitude which is poor

Two separate issues.

re the make up, Yabu, she’s 11, and can make her own choices

yanbu about not wanting to live with an unrelated teenager. I’m not sure many people would. For me, there is no man that is worth that, I’d rather be single or date and live apart

But if she’s allowed to wear it to school by both her parents and the teachers then what’s the issue?

But many - perhaps most - of us don’t see makeup as ‘sexualising’ ourselves.

I think you’re right about the bigger issue of this being the tip of the iceberg as she enters teenager-hood. You have a lot of potential conflict ahead of you if you don’t sort out a line on parenting issues together.

if he is expecting you to share parenting in terms of cooking, laundry, lifts etc but refuses to consider listening to you on discipline issues at all, you really are onto a loser here.

Do you have children of your own and how do they feel about two tiered rules? It will cause issues.

If he won’t negotiate this as a wider issue with you, it may be worth bailing out before the years get even harder for you all. He clearly isn’t working with his daughter’s mum to coparent effectively. A huge red flag.

I agree with you OP that I think girls, especially as young as 11, shouldn't be wearing make up for school. It's extremely sad that at such a young age girls are already being conditioned into feeling not being good enough just to be themselves. But I'm afraid it's his dd so not your place to tell him how to parent.

I think though that his attitude to parenting, and to girls and women, should give you pause for thought as to whether you and he are actually compatible. Make up won't be the only issue of parenting you don't see eye to eye on and I would certainly wonder about a man who is happy to see an 11 year old sexualise herself .