AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

Then again, adding that you'll stay in your lane sounds like trying to guilt trip him.

Am I not allowed an opinion?
Of course you are and it's a valid one. But it's not the only valid one and ultimately, your OH should face the last word without being made to feel guilty and that he's a bad parent.

You apologised, so that's great. Maybe you both need to talk more about your different parenting styles, but in calm times.

Typical, pass the buck to the school.

Well you have to ask yourself what type of parent allows an 11 year old to go to Primary school wearing make up. Is it the type of person you want to share your life with ? no it is not. Life is too short , find someone that has the same values as yourself. Life will be much easier.

Completely ignoring the step-parenting issue - in my personal opinion 11 years old is too young to be wearing make up, and definitely not to school.

But then I greatly dislike seeing young people with huge back eye brows, false eyelashes, lipstick well outside the lip line, and 'contouring' that looks like zebra stripes.

I am NOT saying that the 11 year old in this scenario was wearing that, she was probably fairly discreet in what she was wearing (one hopes), but I still think it's too young.

And - I think it's not fair to allow her to set herself up for school discipline. My own daughter does that with my grandson and he is constantly in detention. If the child at least starts the day off dressed correctly/hair neat/no make up then anything they choose to do after they leave the house in the morning is their own fault. It is the parent's job to try to ensure that the child is dressed appropriately when they leave for school in the morning.

But parents need to agree a common position on big issues and not undermine each other whether they’re living together or not. How else can family life and parenting of boundary pushing teens work? So a common position makes sense on curfews, who can be in house when parents out, boyfriends/ girlfriends, alcohol, drugs, school attendance etc etc.
Yes, in an ideal world, but again, if trying to do results in nasry conflict, that will be more psychological distressing for the kids than having to adjust and understand different rules.

Sadly, just as shown in this thread, it is usually more about one parent demanding their views to be adhered to rather than finding a middle ground, if there is even one.

And as I have said previously there is a?lot of things i slthink children personally do is wrong but that is my opinion, I dont like male up on anyone it always looks fake to m, vut if the school rules allow it it is allowed

I agree with you. My DD is 12 and there’s no way she’s wearing make up to school. To be honest she doesn’t push it much at the moment, although maybe she will later.
I think what’s tricky here is that he will take any comments as criticism of how he’s parenting his daughter rather than working as a team to figure how to address things that come up. For example, my DH and I have had conversations about limiting phone use etc so we are consistent etc. Sometimes we disagree and compromise and try to see what works. But we’re both trying to achieve the same goal even if we disagree how. Here it seems like your DP does not want your input (or perhaps only wants your input when it suits him?). I get that to some extent as she is his DD. But then it makes things difficult for you, as while the makeup thing might not have much impact on you, other things where he doesn’t draw the line where you would might. I guess you need to have a conversation about your role. In many ways you can step back and say, yes your child so up to you, just offering you something to consider because I’ve been there, done that. And leave him to it. But then I don’t think it’s fair of him to lean on you when he fancies eg can you sort her washing out. Obviously, this will be ongoing so I think you need to talk and/or make your peace with things. Good luck.

“How have we got to a point where kids are experimenting with makeup at 11”

This isn’t a recent thing. Myself and the other girls in my year group were all wearing make up to school when we turned 11 and went into year 7. That was 20 years ago.

I bet he’s expecting OP to behave like a parent when it suits him tho! Cooking, cleaning, laundry, pick up/drop offs, lifts, babysitting and taking responsibility when he’s not there - am I right, OP?

You don't know that. And if it's true, then the OP should certainly focus on this rather than impose her views on make up.

Yes and no. People will always disagree and that’s right and healthy. Most intellectually normal kids will be well aware of mum and dad having different approaches to things from toddlerhood and will exploit this harmlessly from time to time.

But parents need to agree a common position on big issues and not undermine each other whether they’re living together or not. How else can family life and parenting of boundary pushing teens work? So a common position makes sense on curfews, who can be in house when parents out, boyfriends/ girlfriends, alcohol, drugs, school attendance etc etc.

Yes I see what you mean, but my point is that the child’s parents don’t seem to be compromising together to present a joint front on whether they expect their child to keep to the school rules or allow her openly to break them
But that's not always possible or realistic, and indeed, it takes parents to be both friendly AND share similar parenting views, which is more unusual in co-parenting situations.

What usually happens is one parent is convinced they know better than the other and expecting, if not demanding the other do as they say.

That attitude is more damaging for kids. They either see it as an opportunity to get their way by playing their parents against each other, or they feel awful and develop a need to try to desperately please both parents, often leading to some level of anxiety. Teenagers are perfectly capable of adapting to different rules in different settings and learning to respect authority regardless of the rules. It can easily be explained by saying there is no right or wrong, just rules that are expected to be followed as set by the setting, be in mum, dad, or the school.

I think you’re overreacting, but just because you disagree with him why should you be right?

Hes right a lot of her friends will be wearing makeup and at that age its usually a bit of mascara and some blush and lip gloss or even if its lashes most girls have them on for a bit then usually get bored of it or the teachers pull them up and they have detentions and it blows over.
Happened with my dd. Shes now 17 and barely wears make up. Pick your battles.

In both schools my DDs were at makeup was not allowed until year 9. Anyone wearing it in lower years were made to remove it

Has Op stated it’s against the school rules? When I asked her she conveniently didn’t answer and merely said the mother didn’t like it, but no one parent has the veto.

The op is like a few other poster's i have noticed lately they read with what they think os written not what is?actually written the op thinks they are right ans anyone who doesn't agree is wrong

Both the girl's parents should be on the same page. And supporting the school rules is good parenting.

It's fine for Op to give her opinion to her DP. Op is not parenting the girl.
Op could suggest that her partner confer with his ex about basic expected behaviour around school uniform.
Then leave it.

I bet he’s expecting OP to behave like a parent when it suits him tho!

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, pick up/drop offs, lifts, babysitting and taking responsibility when he’s not there - am I right, OP?

Yep.

The greater issue from your update is the failure by the child’s parents to agree a position on key issues which is very unhealthy for her and likely to cause issues. If they have her best interests at heart rather than personal ego and point scoring, they’d understand that agreeing a common position is better to avoid contravening the other’s authority and to head off teenage fights in other areas
This isn't correct. Parents, either together or not, don't have to agree on everything about parenting. If they are, great, if they don't, they need to respect each others view.

What is important for kids is to avoid conflict, which leads to confusion, and kids feeling caught in the middle.

Kids however, especially teenagers, are perfectly capable of understanding that mum and dad can have different views and approaches. It can actually teach them that the world is not black or white and doesn't gave to be to function properly.

I think you’ve missed the point of what everyone is saying about it. No one ‘wants’ their 11yo to wear make up. But if they have chosen to because of societal pressures, and it makes them feel better (and rather obviously it shouldn’t, but the point is it does), then that is more important. Your child has grown up now, but you must be surely aware of the massive mental health problems many current teenagers are experiencing? TikTok etc have been an utter disaster and will be banned soon for under 16s. Parents will take anything to get them through it. It’s not the same as parenting a decade ago.

What rubbish.