AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

I think you're right he shouldn't be allowing it, but as I said, it's not a hill I'd die on. It's not affecting her safety or well being, or your household.

I wouldn't have apologised if told him I'd stay in my lane though!

But I guess make up at 11 and her telling him 'everyone else does it' and him just allowing her to go to school and letting the teachers do the disciplining really annoyed me
It is hard to let go. I can now understand why my SM acted as she did...to an extent.

The best way to deal with it is to tell yourself that you might be right...but you might be wrong too...and your OH might got it right...who knows. But it's not your responsibility to decide. You are much much better in a supportive role, so that if things go wrong, your SD will feel comfortable coming to you and trusting you than making an enemy of her.

OP, make up is ridiculous at 11, but part of a problem clearly.

Step parenting is the most thankless job.

You have years of misery ahead of you during the teenage years with him being a stroppy toddler and a teen without boundaries.

Is this really what you want?
Is this really the future you want?

Is he really worth it?
Doesn't sound like it to me.

Rethink the relationship.

I have always admired the way my dh and his ex, in spite of being extremely different people who often disagree, managed to have a pretty consistent approach to what was allowed or not through compromise
My parents did to, but it was SM who had a complete different view. It was hard for my dad to manage the situation.

One example: I was a bit chubby as a kid. Not obese, just chubby, which in the 70/80s was a big no no. My parents were cool about it. We talked a out healthy eating but never made a big deal of it. My SM though made it a very serious issue. She would make comments about my body, made me feel terribly guilty when I hate the whole pack of cookies, and kept on my dad to take it seriously. She might have thought I didn't hear what she told my dad, but of course I did. I grew to hate my body for many years.

Yet in my 20s, I slimmed down naturally and have remained slimmed all my life as an adult. In my mid 50s now and I'm still a size 8. Such a waste of energy which made everyone involved miserable at the time.

Is she Y6 or Y7?

y6 I'd make her remove it. Y7 I'd ignore it, as long as she didn't look like crunchy or massively OTT.

i don't think 11 year olds should be wearing make up. Not because it sexualises them (ha ha ha it does not!) but because it's not good for their skin. I think (sadly) we're past the stage (in the uk) where 11.are playing & not thinking about how they look.

however, as a step parent it's not a hill I'd die on. It's not affecting her safety or well being, it's not affecting the household. The three of them (Dp, DSD, DSD's mum) will have to work it out between them (& the school if it's an issue)

Wtf 😂 how is apologising and saying I'll stay in my lane guilt tripping him
It sounds passive aggressive to me, but it does depend on the tone of voice.

Some girls just love make up. My 11 year old wears it as she has terrible acne and it helps her feel more confident. My 13 years never wears it but has perfect skin and has no interest.
I would let this go.

Perhaps you’re right, that if agreement isn’t possible then the best way is simply two sets of rules, depending upon who is in charge that day. I don’t like the way it opens it up for one parent to be the push-over and the resentment, at least short term which could ensue against the more strict parent.

I have always admired the way my dh and his ex, in spite of being extremely different people who often disagree, managed to have a pretty consistent approach to what was allowed or not through compromise.

I only want what's best for her when she's with us. I adore her
OP, with all good intentions, this is exactly what my SM would have said.

She came into my life quite suddenly when I was 8yo. She had a completely different parenting style to my dad. As it stood, my dad and mum were more aligned to eachother but that's not so relevant.

My SM, who herself had been raised conservatively had much stricter views than my dad, and she made sure to let him know....and it was HELL for everyone for years. It almost led to them divorcing and it totally messed me up psychologically. It led to my confidence being totally knocked out, to feel that I evolved in a world of unfairness and to develop extreme anger against her to the point of hatred.

In the end, my dad's parenting views prevailed, thank god, but of course, it led her to feel unheard and extremely unhappy and frustrated.

All this for what? I have very poor memories of the times I spent at my dad as a child, the only good ones were of when it was only him and I without her.

It left me struggling to like myself and feeling confident. I only got over this when I stopped going to my dad at 15.

It took until having my own kids to stop hating my stepmum. The outcome? She admitted that she acted as she did because of genuine concern I would turn 'bad'. Except that I didn't turn bad at all, totally on the opposite. I did very well all through the years. When she realised this, adapting much better to adult life than her own daughter, she then had to learn to live with the guilt.

I stopped hating her, learnt to respect her good intentions. We have an adult relationship and I am okay spending time with her. It's almost a caring relationship, but I will NEVER EVER forgive her for the angst I suffered as a child and teenager.

Morality of the story....such utter waste, especially when ultimately, she did love me in her own way, but because of her behaviour, I got to hate her.

Nailed it 👌

I agree with you OP and your partner sounds an irresponsible, careless parent. It's only going to get more difficult. If you are caring for your step daughter, washing, cooking etc I do think you are entitled to comment on other aspects of her upbringing.

What sort of make up? My youngest is 12 (yr 7) and wears some light make up (concealer or light foundation and powder). She is self conscious about her skin and feels better when her blemishes are evened out and her nose and forehead aren't shiny!

Her school rules are that light make up can be worn from year 9 so technically she's breaking the rules but subtly enough to not get caught and I completely understand her reasons.

A full face of smokey eyeshadow, false lashes, blusher and red lipstick would be different. But it is for her mum and dad to deal with, not you. You've said what you think and dad has overruled you. It's not directly affecting you, so I suggest leave it.

Are you married? As you keep saying partner?

Nailed it. Those 'none of your business' posts blow my mind.

Huh
Well in that case he's got quite the nerve getting the hump with you when he lets you do so much parenting. Why are you? Why isn't he doing the care?

Hahaha
Yeah, totally normal advice, break up with your husband and split your family because he lets his DD wear makeup to school! Brilliant

I wrote the above post while you were writing your reply to my previous one - please try what I suggested to see his reaction and how he really sees and values you 💐

Not your child. Not your choice.

It’s true, I don’t know that. I’m just going of hundreds of threads where women complain about their partner leaving them to raise THEIR kids and becoming enraged when they’re criticised - and it’s suddenly ‘how dare you criticise MY parenting MY kids?!!! It’s none of your business!!!” But they’re happy to be living in the woman’s house, accepting all the work she does for their kids that I listed and basically parenting on their behalf - which is what a lot of these men are primarily looking in a partner besides accommodation and sex. Nannies with fannies.

They act all indignant bc they hate being criticised and feel the fact the woman is the step parent gives them leverage to shirk responsibility and be the lazy arseholses they are with no come back - OP’s just said she’ll apologise and stay in her lane FFS.

She’s right - it ISN’T schools responsibility. And it isn’t hers either.

He can’t have it both ways, OP. If he wants you to do all the thankless drudgery that goes with being a parent but you’re not allowed to voice your views about being an actual parent you need to knock all that stuff on the head and tell him why. He will cave. But not before telling you you’re the selfish and unreasonable one obviously.