AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

he'd let the teachers deal with it if there was a problem.

This is why teachers have to waste so much time on behaviour management. Teachers having to take on parental responsibility.

Being a step mum is tough. You have said you’ll stay out of it and that’s really the best thing all round, it’s her dad’s issue to deal with. Interesting debate though - I wore a little make up to school from 11 onwards and don’t see an issue it - picking your battles was my mums very sensible approach. Although they do seem to go a bit more full on these days, lol, not sure what my mum would have made of the false eyelashes. Let it go op, you sound like you do a lot for kids that aren’t your own, I hope they appreciate you.

If you think his parenting is lax, guarantee the school think the same thing.

Lazy parenting.

I'm with the OP and don't really understand why on Page 5 people are still commenting on the exact amount of makeup used.

The issue is the dad's general lax parenting (that clashes with his ex's) and him, to quote the OP, "spoiling her rotten". We don't have many details of this, but I definitely agree, for instance, that allowing an 11 year old to scroll on a smartphone till 10/11pm is bad parenting. He just wants to be the favourite parent.

It's not realistic to live with a child 40% of the time and have no opinions on how they are parented. I couldn't do it.

For me, this wouldn't be the hill I'd die on - if it's a bit of makeup, and her friends are wearing it too, and the school isn't sending her home or calling you to pick her up or anything... well, then it's just a difference of opinion and not something to light a fire over.

When my daughter started showing a bit of interest I took her to Boots and got her some proper stuff (she has eczema so needs specific brands) and made sure she knew what she was doing (sort of, some questionable eyeshadow choices since!). I don't wear makeup so it wasn't about parenting, she was just interested.

Unless it's a full face, loads of expensive requests and fake eyelashes etc then I would just let this go - personally. I was wearing makeup to school at 12 so it's not exactly a new concept.

However, if you keep telling everyone you'll 'get in your box' that sounds really, really passive aggressive and I imagine unpleasant for everyone around you. Hopefully you're only saying that on here!

This is just the tip of the iceberg as I'm sure you know - there will be endless examples of a difference in parenting styles when she's 15/16/17 - when she can have a boy/girlfriend sleep over, what sort of curfew she has, if you buy her drinks for her 16th... all the things that come up here and I'd guess you would have incredibly different views on.

My SDs have been wearing make up to school since they were about 8 and in year 3 OP (they go to school from their mum’s but arrive at ours on Fridays)…

Some parents just are a bit crap, your partner and my SDs’ mum included.

I only read your posts but you haven’t specified how much make up we’re talking here. If she had a full thick layer of foundation, blusher, lipstick, eyeliner, eyelashes etc then of course YANBU because that’s a ridiculous amount at any age imo. If she just had some lip gloss and mascara on then whatever, I’d shrug it off.

Wow weird comment

I remember when my DD became all girlie in Y7 and became closed to her own SM, when I'm everything but girlie.

It broke my heart at the time and of course, the fear that she'd be all about physical appearance grip me. I let it go though and trusted that my influence would balance it out.

Inevitably, she became her own self, and that became being not much interested in make up, nails or anything like that. Just making sure to get her hair styled every 6 months, oh and a nose ring, shock horror, but she got bored of that!

I'm glad you've backed down. I understand why you reacted the way you reacted but honestly this has been happening for decades. I'm 53. From day 1 of the first year at senior school (now year 7) I wore full make up including very obvious purple eyeliner and mascara, constant application of heather shimmer lipstick (as was pretty much compulsory in the day) and a liberal splash of white musk perfume oil. I also wore heeled school shoes and my uniform pushed the boundaries of "black shoes with socks or black tights, black or grey skirt, white blouse, navy jumper" with my long very pale grey skirt and white crushed silk blouse with kitten heeled black shoes, 7 denier black tights and a jumper which could barely be called navy only ever worn tied over my shoulders.

It didn't ruin my education or create a lifetime habit of rebelling against rules. I am a successful lawyer I earn a six figure salary working part time and rule following is basically my living. These are not the things to push back against. Obviously if school objects and tells her to take it off then that is different and you should support the school's stance.

YANBU but pick your battles for your own peace OP. He’s a slack, shit dad but presumably good in other areas. Hopefully you don’t have DC together?

I'm shocked by these responses.

This is a child at primary school. She should absolutely not be wearing make up!! And the dad here is devolving parenting to the probably female teacher. It's crap parenting and the OP is totally right to care about a child wearing makeup to school.

The makeup is for her mum, dad and the school to deal with - let it go, it really doesn’t matter. At age 11 if the makeup is obvious the school will force her to remove it and she’ll get detentions if she continues.
Food and phone use - you didn’t elaborate, but again it’s a mum/dad issue really.

Teenagers can be very hard work but they usually come out the other end as nice individuals. What they need is support and firm but fair boundaries. Discuss what these boundaries could be with your DH, but unless her behaviour affects you and your family directly these are issues for her mum and dad. She spends 60% of her time with her mum so your DH and her mum need to decide these boundaries for her well being.
Pick your battles and restrict them to the things that affect you, your house and family. There is a very fractured relationship brewing if you are not careful.

I think make up to primary school is a big deal
Can we ask why? What's the worse that can happen from it?

Ultimately, she's not the only one, so are all these young girls destined to a terrible life as a result?

This child already has parents with conflicting rules. It's good that @GreatPlumBiscuit has realised she doesn't need a third adult in the mix.

I don't want to be 'that' stepmother
It's clear here that you won't be!

It's an emotive subject for me. I could have/had such a great relationship with my SM. She considers me her daughter now, has done so for some time, but I'll never be able to reciprocate this.

You have so much time ahead to do things differently. Let her parents get on with the shit work of parenting. It sounds like her mum's views align with yours anyway so you don't even have to be the bad cop.

Teenage years are challenging all around and many teenagers are hard to like, but most come out to be lovely adult children, even the more rule binding ones (within the law obviously).

I think you need to consider the teenage years carefully. What will you do when he lets her do whatever she likes, even if you consider it to be dangerous?

Stay out of it.

Step-parenting and being step-parented can both be incredibly difficult relationships even with the best of intentions. I have sympathy with op and also with those who experienced well intentioned stepmothers who got it wrong.

Seriously 🤦‍♀️ choose your battles, if she is disrespecting your home then you get a say in it, with little things like this you don’t

You’re absolutely right. 11 year olds are children and not ready for makeup.

Her mother doesn’t allow it and he is going against her - in many cases divorced men let their kids break rules to be the favourite parent and let their other parent make the hard but necessary rules.

You are already doing all the hard work of parenting by the cooking, cleaning, and all the rest.

You’re all living together as a family and you will suffer the consequences of living with a teenager who can do whatever she wants when she gets older.

I would drop any practical parenting work like cooking, washing, lifts etc.

Tell him you now agree with him - He’s the parent and in future can do it all. You can still maintain a kind relationship with the daughter.

Treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.