AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

Are you going to say this to him?

And financial support as well...holidays, clothes, etc etc. Stepmums on Mumsnet make Stepford Wives look liberated.

Ignore @Ponoka7 she is talking rubbish! Bottom line, make up is a big no in primary schools. Primary schools do not not mirror real life do they?
Secondary schools are better for make up and the rules allow a little bit. Keep her a child as long as possible.

I think there are huge issues with 11 year olds wearing make up to school. She’s only just out of primary ffs. Something has gone terribly wrong with society if this is seen as OK.

ETA I see she is actually still at primary.

Quite! And by June, Jesus we are so over it! There's other kids getting away with it now she is trying!

Who will be judged? The stepparent? The girl?

Honestly my daughter was in the minority to 'not' wear makeup for a while - she didn't care and it was her choice. Can't see that judgement from other people has much relevance here.

Really it doesn't matter - at the end of the day, the parenting structure in this house is that the OP isn't in charge of the kids, their parents are. So she can live with it or not.

Humans have always painted themselves. Neanderthals painted themselves. The issue was creepy men turing natural behaviour as a cue that a girl is sexually ready/available and society allowing men to use it as an excuse to abuse.

I'm with you OP. 11 year olds should not be wearing make up to school. Let's not sexualise children.

She'll be in high school in a few months, a bit of makeup will be nothing in comparison if you continue to make huge deals out of not much.

I think her Dad's approach is fine tbh, he doesnt have an issue with it, and is happy for the school to deal with it if they have.

It's really dangerous and feeding into rape culture to say acts like putting on make up or what we wear, sexualises us. Girls are over sexualised as it is. We just exsist, sometimes we paint ourselves, sometimes we show skin, it doesn't make us sexual.

I find it really disturbing that we accepted this as normal.

I started wearing make up at 11, clear mascara, powder and a tinted lip balm. I see no issue with this, I understand if it’s bright lipstick, false eyelashes etc as for school maybe that is a bit over the top. However I would say pick your battles with a potentially hormonal girl! If you want the relationship with her to be good then keep quiet and let dad sort it.

I personally don't think you'd do anything wrong if next time you talk make up or do hair, you talk to her about why she wants to wear make up at school. Kids and teenagers respond so much better to talking about the reason they do things they ultimately know is not right than telling them not to do something and if they do, they'll be punished.

It's so much easier to influence them that way. If you have a good relationship with her, and it sounds like you do, she'll open up to you without feeling she is being told of or judged.

I agree with you, OP.

I’m not keen on the term ‘step-parent’, unless a child’s parent is dead or has totally abandoned them and another person adopts them. IMHO, a parent’s partner isn’t a parent to a child who has two involved parents: they’re simply the parent’s partner, however much they help look after them and love them.

So, IMHO you shouldn’t interfere with his parenting unless it’s abusive. However, as most partners do, you can gently express your observation of how he behaves in relationships with other people and why that may be damaging. So, you’re perfectly entitled to let him know he’s:

• Disrespecting and undermining his DD’s mother.
• Disrespecting sensible school rules.
• Failing to take responsibility as a parent.
• Encouraging his DD to feel/act sexualised pre-puberty, when she should be enjoying her childhood.

IMHO, a bit of lip gloss at 11 is one thing, but concealer, blusher, mascara etc is not what a child should be wearing. And she’ll presumably be told by school it’s not acceptable.

Sorry to say this, but your DP sounds weak.

@BrazilBalls my GC wears mascara and does her eyebrows. She's very sensible and top of her year, she has had a comprehension of a 14 year old since she was 10. There's real issues within some of the families. You must be very fortunate that this would be on your radar. We were copying Blondie, with the eyeliner, at 11, it hasn't led to a life if whoredom or poor MH. We then moved on to Henna to dye our gair at 12. I hate when age rules are applied for the sake of it. Shaving is another one. Let's keep the rhetoric that men need to keep their hands off children and let children experiment. School life is supposed to mirror work.

It is not just about the make up is it, surely you can see that, He has a nanny and housekeeper and that is all the OP is. She is perfectly useful for babysitting but is not allowed to express an opinion. What woman would waste her life on such a situation?

Does her mum have an adult helping HER when she has her 60% of the time? If she’s with someone I can assure you they won’t be doing as much work as you are!

Why the hell are you parenting his child for him? If you left he will just find some other woman to raise her for him and bite her head off when she points out his inadequacies and the fact he’s weak.

I bet he wants input in other areas though doesn't he?!

Mixed feelings about this. I have a 9 year old who's been asking for make up. I wanted to resist but I also know it's normal, at this age it's more of a play thing, so I got her some kids bits from Claires. She barely uses it tbh, and I don't let her out the house with any on.
Secondary school age is a hard one. I don't know how I'll handle it yet, but I think if all her friends are doing it, I won't give her a reason to be picked on etc by not allowing her. I think as long as it's minor and not a full face, best to let it go. It'll cause problems in your relationship if you don't, and it is a normal thing for young girls to experiment with, whether we like it or not.

Eta: i remember my first day of secondary school, turning up in a long pleated skirt, at at the end of the day, one of the girls I'd made friends with told me to roll my skirt up the next morning. It's the way secondary school is, and I think it's important to fit in and make friends for a good experience

Then you would say this because you were OK. It's actually not OK for a child in primary school to wear make up - I have taught in PS and you WILL be judged.

While I think step parents can have a say on parenting if child's behaviour affects the step parent negatively, I don't think that it was your call to say anything about the make up. It's just not important. If the child gets into trouble with school then she and your partner can sort it. Keep out of it and tbh, chose your battles wisely when it comes to having step children in your life.

If you can't then perhaps a blended family isn't for you (and no shame in that at all).

Maybe because kids do experiment with things like makeup and there’s a huge difference between trying to leave the house with it troweled on as an 11 yo and just having a bit of lip gloss on…

Step-parenting does sound testing, I couldn’t personally do it and I don’t think many can successfully. He’s ultimately her actual parent so gets the final say.