AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

My daughter is 11 and I let her wear a bit of mascara and lipgloss, I don't really see it as a problem.

You don’t know how an 11 yr old child thinking she needs makeup can be anything but good?

surely you’re joking?

It’s not acceptable at all OP and very worrying that this little girl is already so focused on her appearance. I think you were right to share your opinion, but you can’t do any more.

For lots of girls, make-up helps them feel more confident and helps them fit in. In a world where our children's mental health seems to be at an all time low, I don't know how that can be anything other than a good thing.

She’s 11 years old! Still at primary school! A child! Make up is not what 11 year olds need to help them feel more confident!

I despair.

I think if you had written your post as if you were a concerned parent who had observed another parent's questionable parenting you would have received very different responses. You would have been told to contact the school, the safe guarding team, social services, the police. It seems a lot of MNs think that everyone has a right to challenge poor parenting apart from step parents. Apparently, it is none of their business even when they witness first hand poor parenting and play a co-parent role to some extent.

If you are living with someone who has a child but you are excluded from any parenting decisions, then you are not really part of that family. You are more like a lodger who performs various functions upon request. Almost a member of staff who pays for the privilege of being there.

Why did you start using make up ? I never understand why women use it unless they have something they feel they need to cover ie acne or a scar. Genuine question not a dig.

Poor school that allows eleven year olds to wear make up tbh.

If I live with her 40% of the time it's incredibly difficult to only be involved in certain parts like cooking, laundry, my time, etc but not be able to express concern or an opinion
Again, expressing your opinion is different to expecting your opinion to direct what he does when it totally goes against his views.

You do keep feeling aggrieved that he didn't do and say as you told him he should.

If he tells you you opinion doesn't count, ever, that is an issue, especially if you are expected to take on duties.

If you express your views aggressively or accusatory, it's inevitable he will automatically go in defensive mode. You need to change how you express your views.

If you express your views in a productive way, he listens acutely, ask questions, but in the end, says he gets what you are saying but doesn't agree with it, then you need to accept that it is right he should have the last word. If you get resentful, then you need to consider your role in the family.

And yet, my daughter never did that.

I said it before on here: this is (partially) why I don’t live with DP or spend any significant time with his DD. And every time he tells me he’s not liking us not living together, his DD jolts him by pulling some stunts and I just go: I’ll go home now, let you deal with it, bye!
It’s just normal teenage stuff, but it’s not my child, she’s got her own parents. I’ve done my time, thanks.

Iagree with you- this girl needs some boundaries and eleven is too young to be focussing on appearance.
Schools should step in as children focussed on their appearance at such a young age is not conducive to learning, and posters saying they did it and turned out fine is unhelpful. a/ their opinion they turned out fine is not objective and b/ they have no idea how they would have turned out if they hadn't have worn make up. I went to a girls school where makeup was completely banned it was unusual for a pupil to get less than 10 GCSEs at A-C, did the make up poster achieve at this level ?

Have only read OP responses, but wouldn't the "get in your lane SM!" posters agree that the inconsistent parenting rules between the child's DM and DF are a bit of a problem? Children need boundaries and consistency.

This is all well and good, but it isn't a problem that OP can actually 'solve'. I don't think OP should 'stay in her lane' or 'get in her box' but realistically there is little she can actually do here and there is really no point tying to force an issue you just can't force, her partner is an 'anything for a quiet life' type, and she won't change him.

For all we know this exact disparity of parenting may be part of the reason her partner and ex broke up, this man hasn't all of a sudden started being a lax parent, it is an ongoing issue, OP hasn't had a child with him and realised like a lot of people do, she knew his parenting style before CHOOSING to become a family unit.

All you can do OP is guide her as best you can, and express your disaproval of inappropriate choices, but realise that your partner will never back you up in any decisions so you won't be able to realistically implement any rules or boundaries.

You are overreacting. I don't know why you've got so wound up and caused an argument over this. It's a minor issue that you didn't need to get involved in.

Stepmother here! This is one of those issues that is a small one and a case of choosing your battles. You haven’t said anything otherwise negative about her so I am assuming she is otherwise a good kid and that you otherwise have no other issues with her

Kids of that age DO wear makeup to school and it very much depends on the school. At our school girls seem to get away with very natural makeup - bit of mascara, little bit of a tint of foundation, bit of bronzer. Anything more and they are asked to remove it at school. Not allowed fake or painted nails so anytime they have painted nails we ensure it is removed by Monday morning. Maybe have a chat with her about natural looking make up - could be a nice opportunity to spend some time with her, buy her some new stuff and show her how to do it

Save your battles for the bigger issues. Because there are far worse things than wearing a bit of make up.

DD is 12 but I very much have it where she dresses appropriately for her age and doesn’t really give me any trouble in any areas. DSD however is 14, dresses like she is going doing a stint at a lap dancing bar later on, drinking at parties and is now wanting to sleep over at her boyfriend’s house (we’ve obviously said a very clear no to this) She’s not a bad kid though and all of this is hitting her Dad like a steam train. Save your battles for when you really need to - like we are going through now.

Why do primary schools insist on branded uniforms? Children going into year 5 have a different set of expectations, they are being prepared for year 6. Year 6 prepares for high school. My GC primary teacher told parents that she is enforcing rules similar to the workplace. They get taught income etc. They allow reasonable make up. I do hear that some children aren't being taught about the world of work etc, so it mustn't apply to all primary schools.

I am with you OP. Kids should not be wearing make up to primary school. Fine if they want to experiment at home but that's as far as it should get at that age.

Oh yeah, there once was this girl and she wore makeup and her brain didn’t work so she didn’t learn anything at school. Eyeroll. Are you one of those parents who makes up rules and demands they are followed just because?

Make up, as in mascara, spot coverage, lip salve isn't a big no in every primary school. So we haven't painted ourselves since we had evidence of life? I take you also support branding what girls/women put on their bodies as sexual? Perhaps chat to your safeguarding lead. Great teacher if you just brand someone with a different opinion as talking rubbish, but then children aren't being taught critical thinking. Why do primary schools insist on branded clothing?

If the mother wouldn't allow it, then he should be backing her up and not allowing it either. If she is at primary then definitely not.

All secondary kids do it though, we just used to put ours on when we got to school. The local secondary allow light makeup, but anything more than that and they have to remove it.

In my day (80's), we were all wearing bright blue eyeliner and mascara and always getting into trouble for it. We were also reapplying our bright pink lipstick, or roller ball lip glosses every 5 minutes .

Makeup has its place, but it should also be the norm to not wear makeup.

I was on your Stepdaughter's side until I found out she was in primary.
Absolutely not..... teachers will definitely be judging you.... in Secondary, the teachers don't even know your kid nevermind you!! 🤣🤣🤣

Exactly.

He'll want her room cleaned, or washing done, or meals cooked, or help with homework, or lifts places. Anything facilitating her life.

But zero input on parenting.

Wonder if he'd want OP's involvement on inappropriate dressing for school (e.g. skirts hiked up too far). Because make-up in primary school would seem to suggest that appropriate for school standards aren't being enforced now. Which will mean dad will find it harder to lay down the law later.

I think, for your own peace of mind, you have to accept that she is his daughter and he will make different parenting decisions to you, rightly or wrongly. You're his partner and as such, I think it's ok to express an opinion and that's not something you need to apologise for as long as that opinion is expressed calmly and rationally. But ultimately, these are his parenting decisions to make.

The only proviso I would add is where those decisions affect other family members and family life - then I think it needs to be a discussion and joint decision. This is just a normal part of navigating life as a blended family.

His child being allowed to wear make up to school doesn't actually affect you at all, except mildly annoying you because you don't agree with it. So not really worth having an argument about imo. Pick your battles - things that directly affect you are worth having a discussion about.

Eleven and makeup and school. No. What are we teaching young girls ?

Have only read OP responses, but wouldn't the "get in your lane SM!" posters agree that the inconsistent parenting rules between the child's DM and DF are a bit of a problem? Children need boundaries and consistency. Can you persuade your DP to actually sit down with the DM and discuss boundaries, especially as tweenage years are coming, so they can have a more consistent approach.

Which is not her way or the highway, even though you agree with her, there probably needs to be some give and take. Personally I'd let it go with the makeup but crack down on the screens. Not up to me, or perhaps OP as SM, but the two parents. Preferably together.