AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

While I empathise, OP, and I agree with you - children should not be wearing makeup - this decision isn't yours.

You're not being unreasonable in expressing your opinion to your husband, but it is unreasonable to expect him to agree with you and enact your will.

Nonsense.

The school might not be bothered, because I'm assuming your step-daughter is leaving in a few weeks, and it will no longer be their problem. My son is in Year 10, make-up is not allowed at all in Years 7-9 and a small amount in Year 10-13, at his school. Girls will have a detention if they are wearing make-up or too much.

This situation isn't about wearing make-up to school as such; it's about the OP's partner failing to put in boundaries and discipline his daughter. He wants to be his daughter's 'friend', or seen as 'Disney Dad', rather than parenting her. He's taking the easy option of just allowing his daughter to do as she pleases, because he can't be bothered to parent and dislikes confrontation. He's not doing his daughter any favours at all.

I can understand why the OP is annoyed. Her partner is going to make life harder for his daughter in the long run, because he's not parenting her. It's going to make his life and the OP's harder when his daughter is in her teens and he can't do a bean with her because he's failed to put in boundaries!

Ultimately OP, there's nothing you can do. It's his daughter. You might be able to see he's making mistakes, but he can't. You will need to let it go. At some point in the future when his daughter is getting dentions at secondary school, and he's being sent emails/receiving phone calls from her Tutor/HOH, the penny might drop.

Im not talking about minor things - God knows we all make parenting mistakes - sometimes big ones. But failing to safeguard including phone safety and to preserve sleep etc isn’t that minor.

You threw your toys out of the pram because he didn’t do what you said.

If I was him, I would not have allowed it but he chose to allow it.
His reasons are irrelevant, it doesn’t matter if he didn’t want the confrontation or if he doesn’t mind his DD wearing make up.

You should give your opinion and then accept his decision.

Yes. The issue isnt the child or you but Dad. Doesn’t he understand that if you fail as a parent, you fail at life. Nothing else you achieve can ever make up for it.

Could you have a conversation with him about him being a Disney dad? Long term, he's raising a spoilt dysfunctional adult. It isn't good for her, and she won't respect him for it. Having rules now will make proper puberty a lot easier.

I think you're being really reasonable overall op. I think YABU about the issue (this isn't a hill Id die on personally) but you've explained why and how this is important to you. You've also said you understand that you might have been unreasonable and have apologised to DP. I have no idea why people are still giving you a hard time.

What have been your experiences with men op that you are in love with one who is so deeply deeply selfish? Have you ever been single op? It’s better than this.

He is right to let school
feal with it. While I agree with you that make up on primary school
children is horrible, it doesn’t matter enough for a father to damage his relationship with his daughter. It’s make up, it’s not hurting anyone.

It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say anything to her. Your DSD isn’t stupid, she will be able to tell that you are the one loading the bullets and making her father fire them. From personal experience, I know how damaging that dynamic can be and the effect of it don’t just vanish as soon as this individual row is forgotten about.

"should" isn't a word I particularly like, mostly because it's usually used to push opinion, rather than facts.

In this context it's definitely opinion. Yours and his differ, and as the parent his opinion is the one that goes.

You don't have to agree with it, but it's for him to decide.

He sounds a bit Disney. It's up to you to decide if you can live with that.

This! My daughter was at guides camp at the weekend and one of her classmates (year 6, 11 years old) turned up with multiple serums, eyelash curlers, mascara, lipstick etc. For camping! And then apparently spent the whole camp talking about how she was missing her boyfriend. Does not have acne/ scarring or anything else going on that she might need to cover up. It's amazing the differences between how 'adult' some of the 11 year olds are and others more childlike still. Mine is more on the childlike side. There is a Y6 leavers prom and many of the parents are actively encouraging full faces of make up, getting hair done, heels and what I would consider inappropriate dresses, going with 'dates' etc. etc. Way too young in my opinion.

Anyway I agree here you need to go along with dad's rules, much as I agree with you that it is wrong at 11.

It's clearly not a school rule not to, or if it is it's not enforced, so why shouldn't she? What difference does it actually make to her ability to learn?

It's not your place to discipline or criticise your partners child. Her phone use and what food she consumes are also not really your business.

Maybe, like my dad did, he took the 'pick your battles' approach.

I'm not into make up. I don't really like seeing young girls with make up. I do think rules are important, but in this case, I would definitely see it as a pick your battle case. I would just bring it up as a discussion at another time to better understand why it's important to them. If it is a self esteem issue, I would focus on what I could do to improve it.

I struggle to understand the posters who seem to think it's a massive problem. A massive problem would be smoking behind the gates. Finding out they are bullying a kid. Answering back to a teacher. Refusing to do homework.

YABU

I completely agree with you about wearing make up at 11.
No way would I let my child wear make up at that age to school.

I also think it’s fine for you to voice your opinion.
As his partner and DDs step mum, you should get an opinion.

However, it’s not ok to throw your toys out of the pram because your DP didn’t do what you say.

No matter how much cooking and cleaning you do, his opinion will anyways trump yours when it comes to his own DD.
I don’t know why you’d get in a huff about that.

You definitely need to remember where your lane is and stay in it.

"As another parent" You would have been told to contact the school, the safe guarding team, social services, the police.

What planet are you on?! No one is doing any of that because they saw a dad let his 11 year old wear concealer and mascara to school, the other parents are presumably just as lax as him if her friends are also doing it.. so doubtful they would even care.

In fairness, I think people saying it is "none of OPs business" are categorically wrong, as a step parent, it is her concern, and she absolutely CAN have an opinion on it, but she doesn't have any authority to implement or enforce rules that the actual parent disagrees with and she needs to accept that.

Ideally you should choose a partner who has the same parenting style as you if you want to avoid these issues.

she is in year 7 late birthday

Shes in year 7 late birthday

I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things

That doesn’t man you get to dictate things and cause arguments if he didn’t dance to your tune.

Why would you do this to yourself? You are handing your poor dd reasons to see you as a hated stepmother.