AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

This isn't for you to say anything about wether you feel strongly about it or not.
I don't think dad is lax in parenting just a different style .
Its makeup big deal.
Be worried if she is smoking or drinking or doing drugs..not makeup let it go for God's sake.

I think make up to primary school is a big deal.

Can I ask why? This is basically a non-issue to me, so interested in why it upsets you so much. You’re clearly a great stepmum, so this isn’t me having a go. I’d just like to understand your perspective.

It's not that you need to "stay in your lane", you can have your opinion. It's that you're not objectively right, and also said in your OP that the teacher doesn't care.

If the school has a rule against make up for 11-year olds then the parents have a responsibility to support that and not just hand over the problem to the school to deal with. Just as parents have the responsibility to support the school rules on attendance, time keeping, homework etc.

Your daughter’s school presumably doesn’t have a rule against the amount of makeup your daughter wears but surely having signed up to a parent/school agreement you check this yourself if there is a query at home?

FWIW I hate to school aged girls in make-up. I was at a make-up counter once where a woman came in to get her daughter to try some new foundations and she could only have been 14. But still not your daughter.

You need to pick your battles and this isn’t one of them.

I agree with your partner. It’s up to the school if it’s a punishment or not.

I have a DD who’s 13 and she (in my opinion) wears too much make up to school.

However, she gets incredible reports from all of her teachers and is a great student and she seems to know what’s too much make up for school and what isn’t and as yet nothings ever been said to us about her make up. (And we’re at her school a lot for events etc)

So while I’m sure you’d maybe see me and my daughter in a supermarket after school and think “ugh. That’s too much make up” - it’s not affecting her studies, friendships, reputation. So I’ve decided that I just need to keep up my normal “if you get in trouble for it then I’m agreeing with school” mantra and let her crack on.

To be fair - I wish I had her make up skills! 🤣

Not your child, not your business.

OP didn't say she was at primary school - unless there has been a subsequent drip feed.
When my DDs were in year 7 many of their friends wore full face make up. I didn't particularly like it but I wouldn't have been massively worried if my DDs had chosen to do the same.

Absolutely this!!
Whether it’s toilet training, or tantrums everything gets sorted in the end!!

Which is why you choise your battles. If it involves safety/wellbeing/the household have your say. Even put your foot down if it impacts other members if the family, your home etc .

but make up at 11 just isn't a hill to die on. I don't agree with it & wouldn't allow it if she was mine, but she's not hurting anyone or being hurt.

I agree, step mothers on MN regularly get an unreasonably hard time.

The parents here are not “disagreeing” on a totally normal boundary for a pre teen - the mother and step mother both agree on make up for school. The father isn’t presenting a different option he is simply shrugging his shoulders and passing responsibility onto someone else. That is crap parenting. Ditto an eleven year old on the phone until 11pm on school nights - not a difference of opinion just an absence of the father taking responsibility for parenting.

This thread alone shows that even one generation or two ago, there were different views about wearing make up at school. Yet we can assume we all made it through okay and didn't ruin our lives as a result.

Hence in my view, this very much falls under the 'choose your battles' category, very much like the dad I assume.

It’s not your worry.
Can empathise with your SD.
I wore a bit of foundation & eyeliner & mascara to school as well at the same age, through to leaving school.
This was a girl’s Grammar School.
As far as I know it hasn’t affected me or my family.
In ten years time no one will care about a bit of makeup.
A fuss over nothing.

Personally, I'm not in favour of young girls wearing makeup. TBH I think the social pressure on adult women to wear makeup is quite awful and the whole "beauty industry" is a massive con, but it's even worse when children are involved. Don't get me started on the skincare nonsense for girls as young as 7 or 8.

However, if you think that makeup is fine for your partner's child once she is in secondary school, it seems to be splitting hairs to say that it should be absolutely forbidden now but absolutely fine three months from now. Maybe your partner wants to pick his battles and loosen the reins somewhat in the last few weeks of primary school, rather than laying down the law about makeup now but allowing it in a few months.

And TBH I would be far more concerned about your partner's child using her phone (presumably a smartphone with internet access) without adult supervision and relatively late at night.

Brought up in centre of Liverpool- nobody was copying Blondie at 11 or 12

At 14 we used to take the make out with us and put it on out of sight of our strict 70s parents.

Even with no makeup I was fending off kerb-crawlers from age 11

I think my parents were right and my school banned makeup and hair had to be up.

It would be lovely if kids could just be kids and subjected to all this pressure to look instagram ready.

I've had a teenager girl, but hey, what do I know!!
You know what worked with your teenage girl. It doesn't make you an expert though.

I had a Disney dad and I didn't grow up to be a rude entitled person, on the opposite. I am much more caring and supportive and much less entitled than my half sister who was raised stricter than I.

You need to stop thinking that you know better than your OH how to raise his daughter.

OP, you are not getting it!
And you think I shouldn't be concerned when an 11 year old who spends 40% of the time with me/us, is on the phone to her boyfriend at 11pm at night?
You can be concerned all you want. You can share your views on it with her dad, but ultimately, your concerns don't trump his lack of.

I particularly don't understand your investment in this matter when you say her mum is strict. It's a co-parenting battle for her to have with him if she too is concerned with it. It is not YOUR battle.

Yes it's really hard to see it happen under your nose and to have to let it go when you certainly wouldn't with your kids, but she is NOT your kid and that's where all the difference is. You are not responsible for the young person she is to become.

You might be concerned that she will become a poorly adjusted adult, but ultimately, you can't assert for a fact that this will be the case unless both her parents adopt your parenting style.

You've got to let it go and hope the best whilst your influence can come into it by developing a good relationship with your SD and see if she will take on your views directly.

He sounds like an incredibly lazy parent, one of those who do anything to avoid setting rules for their child and having 'hard' conversations.

It would give me the ick to see him opt out and just indulge a child to her detriment.

I didn't say anything about anyone's boyfriend.

So what if you do the cooking. She can still eat or not eat whatever she likes if her dad is ok with it?! But yeah 'you do you'. 🥴

One of my DBs is in a relationship with a woman who lets her young son smoke weed (gives him money to buy it even).

My DB is very against smoking weed and they argue about it constantly.

I always say to him, it’s fine to give his opinion and tell her about his bad experiences of it when he was young etc it’s disgusting behaviour and she’s a bad parent but ultimately it’s her son and she gets to decide how to parent him.

My DB can either suck it up and stay out of it or leave the relationship.
There is literally no other option.
And I think this is such a big deal to him that he will end the relationship.

I wouldn’t end a relationship over an 11yo wearing make up but I would probably not want to continue a relationship where the parent lets their child have a phone talking to boyfriends at 11pm.

I guess you know where your limit is and how much it impacts on how you see him as a person.

I started getting greasy skin and a few spots and felt self conscious, the powder helped. I didn’t start wearing tinted moisturiser, black mascara etc until I was about 14 I think.

You have every right to be concerned OP, people are being a little too blunt on here IMO, but what you can realistically do about it is nothing, as her dad is not willing to back you up. It is thankless being a step parent, but it isn't the child that is the problem, it is the person you've chosen to be a step parent with.

The blow up this morning sounds like a long time of frustration about his parenting style rather than this one makeup issue, but unfortunately you can't change him. The one thing you do want to avoid is becoming the 'bad cop' to his 'good cop' as lax parents like him will absolutely let you be that person if you volunteer yourself.

You’re absolutely right. And in a very difficult situation. 11 year olds wearing makeup is ridiculous. All you can do is voice your opinion then let it go.
Her mother will need to deal with it.
Also it’s very sad how you’re getting attacked on here. I’m with you.

You say you have kids yourself.

So if ever you are confused about your place just think about your own mum giving you her opinion.

It’s fine for your mum to give you her opinion.
She has raised kids and has more experience than you and so often it’s welcome.

But ultimately it’s up to you and the final decision is always yours.
Your mum cannot get the hump because you don’t parent in the way that she thinks you should.

Being a step parent is one of the hardest things to do but when you choose to live with someone who has kids then you need to be prepared to stay out of the final parenting decisions.

He sounds like a lazy parent. This is going to be an issue for many years, can you manage that?