Page 6 | First anniversary - mismatch in effort

Skethylita · 2026-06-14T17:39:06+00:00

DP and I have our first anniversary in a week. Today he told me that he will not have the money or time to "splash out" on our first anniversary. I have had a gift sorted for many months - a homemade gift that involved many hours of time and effort (and yes, money, too) that I am trying to get finished in time for next week. He knows about this gift as we have had a traumatic event a few months back and I shared with him what I was working on to cheer us up. He knows when our anniversary is as we will go back to the place we first met at. I asked him what his plans were before his money concerns and he said a taxi there and back and a little something (he won't tell me what, to save it for the next one). I told him I was disappointed. Not because of the monetary value, but because I expected some thought and effort that wasn't being left until the last minute. We're both busy and in demanding jobs. We both have had things on full time the last few weeks. But he knew this was coming. He knew how much effort I was putting in. Normally, he is very thoughtful. He also has money (in savings), but his everyday spends are run down this month. Money wouldn't have mattered either way, but I feel like he's setting me up for a bunch of generic flowers if I'm lucky. We have a great relationship otherwise. It's not about money, but about lack of thought. I told him that much and am quite disappointed. AIBU? Yes, YABU - Gifts don't matter, even when effort is clearly and knowingly mismatched. No, YANBU - He knew this was coming and what you put in. He should have got his arse in gear earlier.

Original poster

Skethylita · 14/06/2026 19:09

Humm, is that something your DP would like OP??

Yes, he likes it a lot. As I said, he has seen parts of it already.

OP posts:

Arlanymor · 14/06/2026 19:09

comoatoupeira · 14/06/2026 19:07

I think in this country people spend way too much time on gifts and cards and not enough on just TALKING

And when they gush over each other on social media and you think to yourself: "Far more meaningful when said IRL and kept between yourselves."

bunnypenny · 14/06/2026 19:08

Skethylita · 14/06/2026 18:59

Yes, we discussed this anniversary for a while. It is significant in many ways that I won't go into here, but we've both come a long way from where we were a year back. Not in terms of the relationship (which has always been strong), but all the things surrounding our lives.

Suffice to say we're no spring chickens. My gift involves a record of our journey that I started a few months in. Imagine a fully edited film involving all the videos of our travels across the world and the part of the world we eventually settled in. Something that takes equipment and editing and therefore a lot of time, money and effort.

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I’m glad that things are going well in your relationship but is that really a present for him for the anniversary or one for you? I’m sure it’s lovely but it’s a bit odd for a relationship that’s less than 12months old!

and I say that as no spring chicken whose relationship with my now husband moved extremely quickly and also through separate personal adversity at the start (illness, family death, new job all in the first 7months).

Laiste · 14/06/2026 19:08

Ohhhhh i read the OP as first wedding anniversary. But it's a year 'together' ...

OK, so i know you've said it is significant but not really why. I think speaking generally just going back to a loved restaurant or where you first met, or something, is enough.

Thing is we dont know the ins and outs of your relationship - a film of your first year together seems ok? If that floats your boat. But i wouldn't expect that level of effort matched to be honest.

Ilikewinter · 14/06/2026 19:08

Humm, is that something your DP would like OP?? Just by comparison we're celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary today, no cards or gifts, our day went like this, up at 6 to take dog out, then a tip run before it got busy, trip to Iceland (the shop, not the country) and spent the afternoon building flat pack furniture - it must be love 😀

tripleginandtonic · 14/06/2026 19:07

You too much and him not enough.

lordbaddingham · 14/06/2026 19:07

It all sounds a bit much for a year with a partner OP. I think your expectations may be a bit unreasonable. I'm 46 and I don't think I've celebrated a year of dating anyone since my first boyfriend when we were 17.

comoatoupeira · 14/06/2026 19:07

I think in this country people spend way too much time on gifts and cards and not enough on just TALKING

Original poster

Skethylita · 14/06/2026 19:07

He likes me the way I am - intense as that may be. Again, that's not up for debate. Neither is the pace at which our relationship is moving. We are happy with that.

On reflection, I believe I'm more disappointed because he raised my expectations first - he has brought up our anniversary a few times in the last few months.

OP posts:

GoodkneeBadKnee · 14/06/2026 19:06

The relationship is perfect otherwise and he is normally a very thoughtful man.

So why are you moaning then? Perfect relationship with a very thoughtful man. Win.

completelylostagain · 14/06/2026 19:02

Skethylita · 14/06/2026 18:59

Yes, we discussed this anniversary for a while. It is significant in many ways that I won't go into here, but we've both come a long way from where we were a year back. Not in terms of the relationship (which has always been strong), but all the things surrounding our lives.

Suffice to say we're no spring chickens. My gift involves a record of our journey that I started a few months in. Imagine a fully edited film involving all the videos of our travels across the world and the part of the world we eventually settled in. Something that takes equipment and editing and therefore a lot of time, money and effort.

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You are far too intense and that would have me running for the hills.

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 14/06/2026 19:01

Skethylita · 14/06/2026 18:59

Yes, we discussed this anniversary for a while. It is significant in many ways that I won't go into here, but we've both come a long way from where we were a year back. Not in terms of the relationship (which has always been strong), but all the things surrounding our lives.

Suffice to say we're no spring chickens. My gift involves a record of our journey that I started a few months in. Imagine a fully edited film involving all the videos of our travels across the world and the part of the world we eventually settled in. Something that takes equipment and editing and therefore a lot of time, money and effort.

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That sounds extremely performative to me, and not about you celebrating the relationship but you saying “look at me and all I do for YOU!!”

RaininSummer · 14/06/2026 19:00

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 14/06/2026 18:52

I might be wrong but I don’t think it’s their wedding anniversary - I think it’s their anniversary of being a couple

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You are right. I missed that. In that case nothing more than an acknowledgement is really needed or a nice dinner at home if necessary.

GrantMyWishes · 14/06/2026 19:00

Sorry OP, but I too think you're investing too much into this, bearing in mind you don't even appear to live together. I'm assuming this, as you refer to 'his' house. I think you should perhaps wait and see what happens on the day, and if he doesn't treat you in the way you want/expect him to, then maybe at this stage in the relationship you should be slowing things down, and making sure that he really IS the man for you, before you even consider taking things further.

toomuchfaff · 14/06/2026 19:00

2026newname · 14/06/2026 18:47

It just seems like a lot of fuss for a year. It’s really not a significant milestone in a relationship.

It is if it means something to your spouse.

Who are you to say its not a significant milestone?

Original poster

Skethylita · 14/06/2026 18:59

bunnypenny · 14/06/2026 18:52

How old are you? It’s only been one year and it seems really excessive for you to have had a present sorted for “many months” (how many? You haven’t even been together 12 months?!) that you’re spending a lot of time and money on.

have you had a discussion before now about what you expected?

Yes, we discussed this anniversary for a while. It is significant in many ways that I won't go into here, but we've both come a long way from where we were a year back. Not in terms of the relationship (which has always been strong), but all the things surrounding our lives.

Suffice to say we're no spring chickens. My gift involves a record of our journey that I started a few months in. Imagine a fully edited film involving all the videos of our travels across the world and the part of the world we eventually settled in. Something that takes equipment and editing and therefore a lot of time, money and effort.

OP posts:

WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · 14/06/2026 18:58

I didn't get my DH an anniversary present until we were married.

I think it's sometimes tricky in a partnership where anniversaries are a bit more nebulous. He should however have taken the hint when you discussed what you were creating for him. That should have been a big clue to him to come up with something of similar sentiment.

What did he do for your birthday, OP? Was it thoughtful/did he put in some effort?

ItsGregg · 14/06/2026 18:57

Are you married? One year isn’t really a milestone so give him a break.

Are you not married? This is weird and you have unreasonably high expectations of him.

Darragon · 14/06/2026 18:56

If things are moving fast as per your update, that's a red flag not a reason to throw more stuff at this guy. I think you're posting because something inside you knows this relationship isn't right.

completelylostagain · 14/06/2026 18:55

OK, I thought you were overreacting when I misunderstood and thought it was an actual wedding anniversary. This is just that you have been together a year? That's nothing I’m afraid. There is no need to give gifts and make a big deal out of this. I might have mentioned ‘oh it’s been a year’ in passing but that would be it.

Gettoachiro · 14/06/2026 18:54

Maybe wait until after the day before moaning...he may surprise you.

BendingSpoons · 14/06/2026 18:53

2026newname · 14/06/2026 18:47

It just seems like a lot of fuss for a year. It’s really not a significant milestone in a relationship.

I'm inclined to agree. Whilst I'm not advocating him not making any effort, it does feel like you have very high expectations. Our wedding anniversaries generally involve a meal out and chocolates or similar.

Edited to say I assumed wedding anniversary. I sort of understand it more as a relationship anniversary when everything is still fairly new. I still think planning for months is a bit OTT.

Arlanymor · 14/06/2026 18:53

This is relationship anniversary and not a wedding anniversary, right? So you've been dating for a year?

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 14/06/2026 18:52

RaininSummer · 14/06/2026 18:50

Isn't first anniversary represented by paper? A small effort would t cost much at all like a lovely notebook (or a fifty pound note). He is a thoughtless bugger since her knee you were making an effort.

I might be wrong but I don’t think it’s their wedding anniversary - I think it’s their anniversary of being a couple

bunnypenny · 14/06/2026 18:52

How old are you? It’s only been one year and it seems really excessive for you to have had a present sorted for “many months” (how many? You haven’t even been together 12 months?!) that you’re spending a lot of time and money on.

have you had a discussion before now about what you expected?