First anniversary - mismatch in effort

What even is an anniversary if you aren’t married? Anniversary of what exactly? Ok maybe if you had some sort of formal “will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend” conversation, but most adults don’t do that do they?

DP and I dont celebrate an anniversary and frankly I have no idea what day I would mark if we did. Day we met? First date? First kiss?

It all seems a little contrived to me

I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel like you do about this, but I wouldn’t take it as an indicator of his attitude to the whole relationship.

I have a friend whose husband was full of thoughtful romantic gestures. He cheated on her multiple times, gaslighted her, and then dumped her.

It matters to you. It doesn’t seem to matter to him at all.

I didn't realise anniversaries were A Thing when a couple isn't actually married.
It also seems a bit odd to have been planning a gift for months, ie since the very beginning of the relationship?
The OP is quite defensive about how perfect everything else is, but I would say that the extreme fuss about this anniversary could be very offputting for the partner. What's wrong with a card, and a bottle of wine with dinner, if it's essential that this date is marked?

Oh my, it seems like you are suffocating him. Its not even 1 year of marriage which would be more of a milestone. You need to ease off on your expectations of him I think.

Yes, we discussed this anniversary for a while…

You mean you keep rabbiting on about it and he is going along with it to keep the peace.

KOKO and I’ll bet good money that he’ll get the ick. If not this year then the next.

Seriously, you need to slow down!

YABVVU.

Because you enjoy collating and editing and making a film, doesn't mean he needs to. That kind of activity isn't about him and what he wants, it is about you and what you want. Absolutely fine to create some sort of edited video to remind you of a holiday or a special day if that's what you want to do but don't pretend it is all for him. You are doing it because you want to.

As a pp said, why does you wanting to make a big fuss trump him not wanting to make a big fuss ?

I don’t think they are married.

‘he was expecting a taxi there and back and a little something’ A taxi where? The local chippy? Paris?

Hmm. Red flags there. Why is it moving so quickly?

First wedding anniversary is paper
its supposed to be something small
a picture, a photo, a note, a poem ! Something simple

This thread has made me feel terribly guilty.

In our marriage my husband is the one who does sensational thoughtful gifts which take lots of time effort and energy.

I always make an effort, but nowhere near as much as him.

But he has never once been annoyed or upset about it, I think because he partly does it for me, but partly because he enjoys doing it and he is a big one for doing everything properly, if it's a paper anniversary then the gift must be paper theme (flowers made from the pages of the map of the route he proposed on).

I think if you like putting in lots of effort for milestones then you need to be ok with the other person making a moderate amount of effort if its not their thing to do creative expressive gifts. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for a fall.

It's all about expectations - my husband doesn't do that stuff with the expectation I will reciprocate in-kind, he knows its not my thing, he does it because he wants to make the gesture. That's how gifts work.

I am also going to start planning next year's gift now you've made me think of it though. I do feel bad. Damn that thoughtful man.

This! I'd run a mile and then a few more if someone was this intense. I struggled to remember a wedding anniversary let alone the day we met.

It's each to their own OP. You're clearly into this type of thing but many people aren't. He isn't wrong to not be bothered about it, it's just an area in which you're incompatible. You both need to decide how important that incompatibility is.

It sounds like you’ve had a busy year and visited lots of nice places, maybe with how special your gift is he feels he can’t match it? It sounds very special.

Sweater curse.

In knitting and crochet circles, there is the sweater curse in which if you make a significant other a sweater then the relationship ends. Some say it’s before you’re married and doesn’t happen once you’re married, some say it happens at whatever stage your relationship is. It also doesn’t have to be a sweater/jumper, just something big that takes a lot of time and money to make.

There is debate about how true the curse is but essentially it highlights in a relationship where things are uneven. So usually if there is an unequal distribution in effort, the making of the sweater will highlight this and it’ll result in the end of the relationship.

It’s better that you find out now rather than years down the line that you’re not matching each other’s energy.

Maybe he does have something planned but personally I hate the phase out. I don’t see why someone who supposedly loves you would want to create disappointment for days ahead just so the reveal can be better.

And maybe he will still get you those things, it might just not be on the big day.

I don't think my previous comment was 'a bit of a jump' based on the information given in your OP, which was you making a big deal about what YOU were doing for HIM and your disappointment it didn't look like he was going to match that effort. An effort that you chose to make as, from your first description, a gift for the anniversary.

It feels like this thread isn't going your way so you have changed the story a bit. It's now about him hinting and not delivering, whereas at the start it was all about the effort you were putting in and wanting him to match it.

I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, btw, but I stand by my point that, based on your OP, that this sounds transactional. You made a point of saying, 'he knows what I'm doing', as though that means a choice you made gives you certain expectations rights, when it really doesn't.

They’ve been a couple for 1 year.

ive read all your updates but can’t work out if this is your 1st wedding anniversary as in you are actually married or 1 year being a couple?

But do you actually know what he has / has not done or planned for your one-year anniversary of commencing dating yet?

I’m probably not best placed to answer here as I’m not really very sentimental or into anniversaries. What I will say, however, is that I’d be quite angry if DH dipped into his savings to get me an anniversary present. It’s not necessary and savings are for saving, not for spending.

Are you both really young? First relationship?

You wont make it to your second anniversary if you carry on like this. Men generally dont bother about these sort of things in the same way as women and when they do then I think thats a bit weird, but it doesnt mean he doesnt care and he has told you in advance so if you want this relationship to last then give him your present and dont say anything about his lack of one or anything special. Im happily married and have learned to accept the fact that my husband does not and never has thought along the lines you think your partner should. Last year for my birthday he bought me a tyre pressure guage and this year I bought him a new hosepipe. Our anniversay is in August and usually I only remember the day before and he seems surprised when I tell him!!!

How many bloody occasions have you had over just one year! He is probably fed up with trying to keep you happy. I certainly would be.

None of that is particularly special though, it’s just Not On The High Street type stuff. The bunch of flowers would probably actually cost more and be the same amount of effort. Instead of expressing your disappointment in advance, why don’t you just wait to see how it goes?