First anniversary - mismatch in effort

I’m with this saying it’s not a big deal. You’re free to give him the labour of your love. He’s free to express his devotion however he chooses. The point is that you both know how the other person feels about you, that those feelings are matched. My DH is a man of very few words but those he utters are sincere, heartfelt, thought-through. He doesn’t have to spend any money, he doesn’t have to make any efforts (although he does do that from time to time, also) and honestly after all this time together it’s really not necessary. The small daily acts of consideration and appreciation a thought matter much much more, and add up to much much more too than an annual show. All we need to know is that we’re still there for the other, together, with our futures promised to the other. The rest is just fluff - which is fun, but hardly what matters.

You sound very needy . Some people just aren’t into celebrating the little things. And it is a little thing.

Sorry OP but you sound like hard work. I can’t imagine planning a gift for my child leaving for university a year in advance. And I will be in that position very soon. Doesn’t it just make it all about you? Seems really performative to me.

Has the op answered how old they are?

Slaving over some mawkish ick-giving video while expecting reciprocity is too much.

From the way you were talking I thought it was a wedding anniversary. Making a big deal out of a dating anniversary is over the top. It also sounds like you don't live together (him needing to spend on fixing stuff in his house), so it's basically boyfriend/girlfriend? That's not an "anniversary".

are you sure you are matched? It doesnt sound like it OP - i would find your gift intimidating if im honest... its your love language - not his, he is probably going to struggle to keep up...

If you have a good relationship, I really wouldn't worry. My late wonderful husband was shit at birthdays and anniversaries, but that was just him. Value your DP while you have him.

Gifts are your love language. They're not his.

DH and I don’t celebrate anniversaries at all, barely even remember the date… Just isn’t important to us. We’re like you - busy with hectic careers and also have 5 DC so we have far bigger fish to fry. I think in future just don’t make a big effort so you don’t wind up disappointed like this.

Imagine having had lots of little comments from "I should get you a shirt with that printed on", "I should buy you that album for later reference", "I should get that engraved on a bracelet for you" throughout the last few months and then finding out that - in contrast to previous occasions - nothing was arranged for this.

Is this what you’re referring to when you say he’s been raising expectations? To me these are just offhand comments and I wouldn’t perceive them to mean that someone was making actual plans.
I’ll quite often say “oh, I must got one of those for you!” as a joke or a passing remark to my DH with no intention of actually doing so.

You’ve been with your boyfriend for nearly a year, at the moment you sound like hard work.

Why is it all about what’s important to OP though?

Who is to say he isn't going to surprise her? Wait until after if you want to start moaning 🤣.

Some of these replies are absolute bs. You told him it was important to you. Having a nice, thoughtful gift isn't a fantasy. Year 1, we were flat broke, so I made DW a bunch of paper roses and a card. Not an artistic masterpiece, but a bit of effort. He needs to yank his head out his arse and put some work in.

You sound like you are living in some kind of weird fantasy land where other people need to meet YOUR expectations. Not everyone bothers with anniversaries so maybe it's a much bigger deal to you than it is to him. You need to have an honest conversation about values, hopes, expectations. It's not necessary for you both to be the same to have a good relationship, but it is necessary that you have conversations to find out how you each see things and be respectful and understanding of differences.

I agree with this. @Skethylita I’ve looked at all of your posts and I can see now that you’re saying this is out of character for him, and you expected more due to the amount of effort you’ve put into your gift. People have pointed out that a year is still a very new relationship but you’re saying it’s been very full on the whole time and you’ve been equally enamoured with each other since you first got together, so sadly, it does look as if he’s pulling away. If this is salvageable, it’s probably not a good idea to let him know how badly he’s let you down but maybe have a chat with him when you’re feeling less sore.

OP We have a photo album of our wedding. We've looked at it once - the day we received it. You will probably find your boyfriend watches the film once and never again. It's best to focus on the future not dwell on the past...

I’d use this as a discussion of expectations going forward. What cost / effort do you both see as reasonable going forward due birthdays/ Christmas/ anniversaries. Then when you both have an idea b what to expect go from there.

Sounds like he isn't making excuses but distancing himself from you. Doesn't matter what he does, you won't be happy.

you seem quite money orientated and grabby. Expecting him to dip into savings etc.

sounds like you have planned to go to where you first met but this isn’t enough effort for you?

He has warned you he is low on money this month & has house things to fix, thats more of a priority than being frivolous.

not sure why you have so much focus on the anniversary either. Maybe end it & find someone with more disposable income & who is more materialistic to match what you want

Is this what you mean when you said he "kept referring" to your anniversary coming up, and "Especially since he was the one who raised the expectations in the first place"? Or was that something else?

You say your relationship has moved quickly in terms of commitment, but then that he needs to make repairs at his house (I empathize - I've had to replace my furnace, water heater, roof, air conditioner, windows, and siding in the past two years). Do you even live together?

How has he raised your expectations regarding the anniversary? You say he's brought it up, but I wouldn't think saying, "hey, it's our first anniversary next month," should really raise expectations. "I'm going to take you to Paris for the week for our first anniversary," would.

Meh really this wouldn’t bother me at all, then again I wouldn’t be going to such a big effort as you are.