First anniversary - mismatch in effort

i think she came to gaslight us! It’s one of the strangest posts I’ve ever responded to.

So over the top! Sorry but you sound a bit soft, OP.

You started a whole thread about his lack of effort and how disappointed you were. And rather than saying: “My bad, I was wrong and assumptive.”

You’re just: “Pretty ring!”

Oh, just seen your update. So glad he met with your expectations and you’re all happy x

Most blokes don’t care about this kind of stuff so the sooner you accept that, the less disappointed you will be.

I don’t doubt that he thought of getting those thoughtful gifts for you at the time but clearly pushed them to the back of his mind as it wasn’t near to your anniversary. Unlike you, who planned it months before, most blokes aren’t really thinking about it that far in advance (and neither would I tbh).

I'd be disappointed too op so no I don't think yabu. However I would also recognise that for you your love language is gift giving and you put a lot more thought into it than other people. I do too and am often disappointed when I receive a generic gift. For me it doesn't matter how much money is involved it is the complete lack of consideration for what I would actually like.

In your case, he knew the occasion was coming. He has a full time job, you go away a fair bit and it doesn't sound like putting a fiver a month for a few months would have killed him. Instead he chose not to. He chose not to prioritise you and that is upsetting especially when he was the one who kept bringing the occasion up.

How can you have an “upcoming engagement”? If it’s agreed surely that means they are engaged?!

I guess if this is normal for your relationship then you're not being unreasonable within your partnership. I much prefer the way my husband and I do things, which is sometimes if someone is struggling then they can't do very much, and then they are likely to be in a position to put in a great deal of effort another time. What with birthdays and Christmas and mother's day etc etc we personally can't do everything 100% and that's fine with me.

Sorry, I should say congrats on the upcoming engagement- I didn’t mean to overlook that, it’s very exciting.

You’re talking as if we extorted the information out of you. You were the one who posted about how unhappy you were with what happened and people gave varied views and advice. You can’t blame people for commenting on the short length of time you’ve been together and assuming that might be why your partner reacted as he did. You’ve received lots of very balanced reactions (and maybe a few harsh once, but that’s normal) but nothing anyone has said has been good enough, so I think your opinion of yourself (the easiest woman anyone could deal with) is not what others see. I don’t understand how you can berate people for sharing views you openly invited.

You sound hard work and a little dramatic!

you ask a question in AIBU. The majority of posters say , ‘Yes, YABU, and over the top’ ; but instead of considering this you get overly defensive, and super keen to point out how amazing you are, how amazing he thinks you are and how wondwrful
everything Is.

why did you bother posting ?

I assumed you were in your 20s and in your first serious relationship. You have a child at University?!

Oooooooohhhhhh

She hasn’t even married him

You mentioned it not being about the money quite a lot of times.

I would be disappointed if he made out months ago like he was going to bother to do something special then changed his mind last minute, regardless of what kind of anniversary/event is being celebrated. I understand it's only a 1 year relationship anniversary celebration, but hardly setting up strong foundations if he's messing about like this now.

Idk, if he ends up not doing anything of actual effort or value I would be having a conversation with him about my expectations for the future. I was always very clear with my ex about what I expected in terms of effort on such occasions, etc. It's always best to discuss it early to avoid this happening. Communication is key.

You have different expectations. This is good to know early on in the relationship so you can decide what you want to do about it.

elaborate in land would be a turn off for me, each to their own.

If he's generally thoughtless and doesn't put on any effort I'd say it's a problem. DH and I are married 16 years and there are huge variances between us for various occasions.

This year he completely forgot about Mother's Day until the night before, another year I completely forgot about our wedding anniversary and he had put in huge effort.

It doesn't really matter though as we both put effort into our relationship throughout the year, it's not just focused on the big "milestones"

Has he had a personality transplant since you married or was he always like this and you married him hoping he would magically change?

It is a shame when gift giving and anniversaries become a competition.

This is your first anniversary and so there is no precedent for it. Clearly your expectations are different from his.

Please don't let it become a source if friction.

I think it’s really lovely the effort you went to and I do understand that it would be disappointing to not have the same level of effort reciprocated but people are just different and see things like this differently. I’m probably your partner in this scenario as a year after my partner and I met he bought me a lovely gift and booked a meal at a very fancy restaurant and I did precisely… nothing. I didn’t see a year after meeting as anything remotely significant, no more than 11 or 13 months and I’m not a thoughtless person, birthdays/Christmases/fathers days etc he gets a hell of a lot of effort, preparation and thoughtfulness, but the one year thing I’m just never going to understand it