AIBU to say I cannot keep lifting my mum’s chair?

I'm sure this will be brand-new information for you, but some adults don't work, especially if they are carers. It may be a revelation for you.

OP, how can we help you to explain to your mum that things have to change and you CANNOT do all the care she requires?

Powerchairs aren't meant to be lifted.

It's not unreasonable for her to want independent mobility (ie. a powerchair if she can't self propel a lightweight manual chair). (And note a powerchair is better than a scooter in terms of turning circle and the places it can go).

So she needs to make friends with a taxi company who offer wheelchair accessible vehicles and the local buses and train services. A powerchair can give her a lot of independence and freedom.

Or she needs to buy a wheelchair accessible vehicle you can drive (assuming she doesn't drive).

There are some devices intended to lift wheelchairs into cars but I don't know if they work for heavy powerchairs - that's also worth a look but may mean you have no boot space.

You do need the carers coordinator at your doctor's surgery to help you. They were a boon with my late dad.
I'm now 60 and disabled myself. I was told if I went in a chair at 38 I'd never get out so I didn't. My family make me walk. I use a stick but it was a frame. I'm now driving again.
Try to get her moving it will help with her MH and her weight. I had a voucher from hydrotherapy too.

All these things
you have to say no to her
maybe if she thinks she can’t get out at all she’ll have to reconsider OR she books a disabled taxi everytime she goes anywhere with a ramp in the back and she stays in the chair!

The chair is too heavy for you. So you tell her you won’t be lifting it any more. End of. You and she find another solution, or she stays stuck in her house. You need to say no op, or she will keep expecting you to do it. You’ll hurt yourself badly sooner or later.

What are you going to do with a permanent injury to yourself?
How will you cope?
You are only one lift away from possibly doing this.
Will it impact your life, work, family, driving?

Stop lifting it today.
You are foolish to risk yourself.

My friend had a electric hoist put in her boot as her chair was incredibly heavy

Actually getting a carer’s assessment for you is a great idea. When DH was first disabled I was given loads of great training by a team of PT and OT specialists.

Advice on how to do transfers etc. They had loads of recommendations on equipment etc.

Just refuse then.

Tell her what you can and will do. Make it clear that outside those parameters, you cannot and will not risk your own health. Let her figure it out.

If you stick to it and mean it, she will work it out. If you keep pandering to her, she won't and you will hurt yourself.

My DH is in a wheelchair after a stroke - he’s a huge guy and I’m not particularly fit but pushing a wheelchair is a lot easier than you’d think.

I’d recommend getting a lightweight one - they are fairly cheap on Amazon - and testing it out. You could use that on days when you are wearing nice clothes you don’t want to dirty etc.

It would give you another option.

Also, not sure how finances are but it might be worth investigating other power chairs - there are some lightweight ones which fold easily and are not too heavy to lift.

I think you have to reframe this OP. Instead of thinking you need to do this because otherwise her life will be much smaller, see it as you are enabling her not to need to walk and in fact doing her a disservice.

By saying you can't physically manage the wheelchair and that she will need to walk you are doing her body and her health a massive favour. Of course you can't make her choose to walk - that is her responsibility - and if she decided to sit at home and do FA then that is up to her.

Are you living with her because if so I think you really need to move out and get your independence. You deserve a life.

You are not being unreasonable.

If you have tried talking to her and can't reach a sensible resolution then I would suggest you need to do something drastic.

At some point you ARE going to be injured, possibly badly, so I would feign an injury and be unable to assist for as long as it takes her to accept outside help.

It sounds potentially like you could cause yourself an injury, minor or severe, with your shoulder and anything else really, if it's heavy and you dropped it on your foot, what would you then do? You'd probably need a mobility device of your own.

I think you need to put your foot down and tell her to choose between being house bound or having access to the outside world

And I would also, if I were you, try to get fitter so you're not in the same place she is in a few years time. It sounds terrible.

Even if she's refusing OT assessments, you can request a carers assessment, as that's about you.

I rather suspect that this isnt a new thing though, I suspect the refusal to help herself, dependence on you and the manipulation that comes with it has been a feature of your relationship for a long time, likely without you realising/seeing it until now.

Tough love time.
You need to start saying no, stepping back, and letting her realise how isolating and restrictive her life is going to be if she doesn’t change her viewpoint.

Hard for you, I’m sure, but if you don’t change your responses she sure as hell isn’t going to change hers.

You need to pull back a bit. For your own sake, but also for hers. She's found something that works for her that doesn't challenge what she wants to do, but she needs a bit of challenge. Stop lifting the chair for her. That pain you're feeling is an injury and a warning, at some point the injury is going to get so bad that you won't be able to lift the chair anyway, or do a whole bunch of things that you like.

You don't have to spen your birthday with her if it makes you upset (you don't have to spend any time with her, but that doesn't seem like where you want this to go). As a carer you need to set boundaries or you will wash yourself out. Say no to your mum about things that you really don't want to do. If she wants them doing enough she can engage with other services to see if something can be done.

You need a ramp and a hoist in the boot of the car. My mum is completely independent getting out and about because of those 2 things.

This isn't really a disability issue, it's that she's abusing your help. Maybe she's abusing you in other ways too? Emotionally?

Do you live with her? Get yourself a carers assessment, you get yourself an appointment with the social worker/adult social care and say you are not able to do this any more.

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stand up for yourself and refuse to take yourself out with injury for her. Say no. You can't do it any longer. She'll have to find another way to get out and about if that's what she wants to do, but you will no longer life her chair to your own detriment.

Both me and my DH are disabled. We have both all terrain mobility scooters, so that we can get out and about locally, but when we go out in the car, we use Efoldi electric wheelchairs, which if you remove the 2 batteries, are really fairly easy to manage, as they only weigh 12.4 kilos each. However, it does depend on if your Mum is too heavy for them, as the motor is only strong enough to pull a certain amount of weight. We paid around £500 for each, second hand.

Then she stays home. If you end up needing a shoulder replacement she won’t be going anywhere!

We got a lightweight one for my mum but she was very overweight and I pulled my back pushing her around in it. It got so bad I had to refuse to push it and she ended up house bound. I felt terrible but it was my back or her mental health. Not even my husband could push her. I had 2 toddlers to care for at the time, but my mum didn’t care as long as she went out! You have to put yourself first because no one else will.

Why are you letting her hurt you? Stop doing this before you get seriously hurt. Make her take responsibility for her own health

I know this is hard. I have been there myself. It's time to start saying no. You need to protect your body from injury and pain. You matter too.

She needs a lightweight wheelchair, tell her you can’t lift the other one anymore.