AIBU to be surprised by how much some parents seem to use punishments?

🤣🤦‍♀️ yes, this is my fear! It’s been quite the journey so far and I was reading some of the responses on the other threads and thinking ooooooohhhhh shit, is it just that we haven’t got there yet!

A friend once described parenting as being like buckaroo…. Just as you think you’ve got the hang of it they just throw you off a different way!

I don’t make threats (they would completely overwhelm and panic her) and I have to be absolutely consistent (I would say more so than other parents, but maybe not). So I can’t let her do something once because I’m tired or she’s tired or we’re both ill or whatever because then she absolutely will not understand when she’s not allowed to do it the next day. My son could probably manage much more flexibility, but because my daughter was first that’s how we’re used to parenting.

I guess by ‘wearing them down’ I just meant always expecting the same things, asking until the things were done and never backing down how ever much whining there was! Perhaps they’re just sick of the sound of my voice 🤷‍♀️.

Why do you say that? Because our kids have additional needs?

I suppose if I’m honest I probably haven’t given it that much thought. We just parented the way that seemed to work best for us and didn’t pay that much attention to what others were doing.

I’d say most of our friends parent similarly, but we’ve never really talked about it. I’m perhaps a bit more ‘old-fashioned’ than some of our friends and are quite strict about screen time and a few other things, but I just assumed that was being a SEN parent.

I work in paediatrics and I don’t think many of the families I work with use punishments much either, but maybe they just don’t tell me about it 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I think you’ve described it much better than I was managing!

This is what I mean. It’s not that I’m sobbing into a tissue when my kids misbehave and telling them how horribly they’ve ’disappointed mummy’. I don’t think I’m a particularly overly emotional parent and I don’t mean that I use emotional blackmail or coerce them into doing what I want.

I just mean that I don’t ask them to do things they aren’t capable of or that they aren’t capable of understanding the reason for. I try to explain why I want or don’t want them to do things. They definitely don’t always do things the first, or even the third time I ask them and my daughter who is now also quite hormonal will sometimes be quite stroppy, but they do always do it eventually and generally I think it’s because they know what I’m asking is quite reasonable and fair (and maybe that I’ll keep asking until they do it…. 😳). They will also apologise without being prompted when they’ve been unkind or unfair. I have never punished either or them by confiscating their belongings, putting them in any kind of time out/naughty chair, sending them to their bedroom, cancelling treats or activities or not giving them food etc.

I can see why I might come across as smug, but honestly I’m not! My kids are both pretty challenging in their own ways and my eldest needs a lot of additional support. I was just genuinely surprised to see how many people on a couple of threads suggesting they felt they had no way of getting their kids to do what they were told and that although they thought slapping was wrong sometimes it felt like the only option.

In terms of friends and family I would say most seem to parent similarly to us. Like I say our children are more complicated than most and probably require more ‘parenting’. Some of our friends are definitely more shouty than us and some definitely use more ‘punishments’ but perhaps their children are allowed more screen time etc in the first place. The thing I notice most is how some other children speak to their parents, which seems quite rude and disrespectful to me. However, I’m sure we let our children do things they would be equally surprised by.

Um, not that!!!

I guess because I’ve told them before I don’t like that behaviour and why I don’t like it (e.g. the reason I don’t want you to eat with your hands is then you wipe all the grease onto the table/sofa/chairs etc and I have to clear it up) they know that if they do it I’m not going to be impressed. I’ll give them the Paddington hard stare to remind them! I guess maybe they just don’t want the lecture and I’m naively thinking they don’t want to do something they know will piss me off? In my mind it’s just: I’m not asking you to do anything that’s beyond your ability and I’ve explained why I don’t want you to do it. It a reasonable request with a reasonable explanation so why wouldn’t you do it?

Maybe it’s just parenting ND children. My eldest is the most complex of the two and we had to parent her in quite a specific way. She needs very clear boundaries and she needs to understand the reason for things. She needs instructions and expectations to be repeated many times and benefits from routine and predictability. She is easily overwhelmed and shouting at her or threatening her would be extremely counterproductive. She is very sensitive to rejection so I would never have given her ‘time out’ or sent her to her bedroom. However, she will often take herself off after a period of dysregulation as she needs space to calm herself. She will then often apologise if she’s been rude. She is quite black and white in her thinking and struggles with ambiguity so I never, ever back down if I’ve asked her to do something (or stop doing something) and I guess she know that. She would be very confused if I made threats I didn’t follow through with or let her do something some days or not others. We also have pretty strict rules around screen time etc. and she is much more heavily supervised than other children of her age because of her vulnerability.

Our son is far less complicated so probably would have managed punishments etc. but like I say it wasn’t the way I was brought up and it didn’t really occur to me to me.

Nowadays they do mostly do what they’re told. I wouldn’t describe either of them as being particularly compliant kids, maybe I’ve just worn them down! 😬