AIBU to be surprised by how much some parents seem to use punishments?

I have a similar parenting philosophy to you - I explain things to them, I don't like unconnected "punishments", the main threat of non compliance is my displeasure.

However, even with that, my eldest has moments where they just do not care. Especially if angry or upset, "the look" means nothing, a polite request means nothing, knowing they're upsetting me means nothing. What happens if something absolutely had to be done, but your children would not comply when asked nicely/had it explained?

I don't believe in smacking and do not smack my children, but I do think children were probably better behaved under the years of corporal punishment, because they were scared! I don't believe in parenting by fear, so as I said I don't do it, but I do think it would have more immediately visible effects, which may be what those other people were observing

That might possibly be a thing. I know I’m definitely not fussed about some of the things other parents are, some I am (like the eating) but it’s pointless, some I’m stricter than other parents. Because the rules are technically few and consistent, I guess that makes them a lot easier to follow.

One point I would make though, like just waiting for your DD/kids to do something because they/she eventually does it, that just wouldn’t work in a busy household . If you have 3 kids to drop off at different schools and a job to get to , all by 9 o’clock you can’t be faffing about waiting for her to agree that it’s time to put her shoes on. Or on the return trip to stop collecting daisies and just get in the car . If you see what I mean.

Come back in the teen years op

She's coming from a place of being a much better parent than people who need to lash out at their kids to get them to behave.

well go you for having such brilliant kids that always do what they are asked.. this just sounds like you’ve come on here to brag how great your kids are.

mine on the other hand never does what she’s asked.. has an attitude and a temper .. she’s 5! 🙉. She gets toys taken away & sometimes park trips cancelled. I don’t ever smack, nor would I ever dream of it.

sometimes coming out with stuff like that can make other parents feel like we are doing something wrong 😑

The consequence for not meeting your bosses expectations is losing your treat of a pay check it’s both carrot and stick. There is a massive incentive to doing your job and meeting expectations not just a job well done

Consequences rather than punishment - that's hardly anything new.

I think this is the key part - the consequence has to fit the "crime" or it's just meaningless.

So many jump to completely weird ones, like taking away a device because theu didn't eat their dinner.... How is that related?! Natural ones teach actual lessons IMO rather than just making you into some tyrant every time they displease you.

If I had 2 children like my youngest, I too would feel quite smug about my parenting skills and the fact I just need to explain and give a look.....

However.....my eldest is a boundary pusher and you have to spell things out many times and she will still be a risk taker. Sometimes only the threat of a consequence will work. We still have a good relationship and she has turned out to be compliant mostly. She is now 20 and will help around the house and is always polite but boy did this outcome take a lot more parenting than our very easy second child.

Count yourself lucky you have had easy children

We don't really either. Our kids aren't angels but they know when we get down to their level and tell them their behaviour isn't acceptable then it's time to stop. Most behaviour is avoidable and it's a case of making sure they're not overtired and overstimulated, have some agency over their life and their choices and understand the reasons for the rules that are in place.

What I meant was when my 17 yo isn't in the same place as me.
I guess I could send him a photo of me 'giving him the look', but I don't think it would be effective.

😂 my sweet summer child.

You sound like one of those parents who say"well, I just put my child to bed and they fell asleep on their own and rake up at 7:30am. it's easy. I don't understand why Mrs Jones is complaining of sleep deprivation, all she has to do is have a good sleep routine and baby will sleep peacefully".

Don't be such a poorly read person. Read a little bit about people's experiences and lives and you might begin to understand.

Well , I never got DD to eat like a normal person and she probably never will . I just gave up on that one.

I have had a similar experience, OP. There is nothing I ask them to do without a good reason, and when I explain the reason they understand it. (E.g. they might get hurt, it will take ages to clean, they might break it, etc.)

My second child is very different to my first, and was less keen to listen at a v young age, but by 4 or 5 was much the same.

I think i have maybe just got lucky, and it might not last!

I think part of the problem is that if you only have one child, or two or more that are very similar you literally cannot see the other side of the coin. If your children are easily disciplined then it's impossible for you to understand what it's like for parents of children whose kids cannot give a flying fuck for the word 'no' and who laugh at boundary setting.

I had five. One (my autistic DD) was very biddable, hated anyone being cross with her and would try never to rock the boat. My younger two were a little bit 'keen' but generally more rational but the eldest and middle were practically feral and thought 'don't do that please' was more of a suggestion than a boundary. So I've had all sides of the coin and I know that sometimes punishment really does have to be more than for the more easily managed child.

I have children who are now adult.

i can say that certainly for my teenagers and I would imagine for most teenagers there is a period where they willl absolutely do anything to deliberately piss you off, they care much more about pleasing their friends than pleasing you and good luck with the parenting at that point.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder how many families only achieve their outwardly performative parenting goals by using far worse punishment. Eg enforcing zero screentime is very tricky when kids are always whining they're bored. However if a mum starts screaming and shuts the child up in their room for 3 hours, then it's a very easy target to achieve. The same mum then goes around bragging how her children have no screens at all during the week and how that would make them into much better people.

I'm absolutely convinced there are many homes where children are punished, abused or neglected in order to reach "aspirational" parenting goals such as high grades, sporting or musical talent, no screentime or strict dietary requirements. This also includes using religion as a non-negotiable tool to impose certain behaviours.

I grew up with a friend who had a very health and house conscious mother. Think only home cooked meals, zero sugar, no junk food, spotless home, beds always made etc. Sounds amazing from the outside but the mum was horrifically abusive (I was there and witnessed quite a lot of it). She forced endless chores on her children and depriving them of all treats led to a serious binge-eating ED in my friend during her teens.

I rarely do this on MN (cos it's so annoying), but honestly.....I don't think a Paddington Hard Stare would cut it with my 17 year old, who I would say is 'horribly normal'.

There’s one Mumsnet thing I find really jarring, almost to the point of spite: if a child commits some felony or other, and they happen to have a birthday on the near future, or happen to be attending someone else’s party, the Mumsnet reaction is always “CANCEL THE PARTY!!!!!”. And sometimes, when the parent has blurted out “I’ll cancel your party”, the Mumsnet reply is always “you’ve said it, you have to follow through, or they’ll never respect you again”. The other child’s party which will then be spoiled has no importance.

What does this achieve? What does a party planned well in advance have to do with the offence? What happens if there isn’t a party to cancel? What is this other than spite? A 13 year old who has a party cancelled in this way will probably remember it for ever; the alleged offence would quickly be forgotten.

Wow you really are unpleasant @TheFairCat

Children are different - genetically some care less about the opinions of others

family lives are also different

smacking to me is a serious failure but I also think that lack of discipline is also a serious failure

dont feel too smug till you have them all fledged as good humans. Angels at home are often nightmares in other places