AIBU to think about ending my marriage because OH is vetoeing kitchen plans?

The age to access pension is going up to 57

Suggest check your age to access !

I have tried to read really carefully and I can't see if you're married?

How did you get two kids almost to adulthood if you can't talk about money and responsibilities and all that grown up stuff? Can you channel that same energy...or did you just do it all

Hi op he would get half of your pension if you split. so you would be better saying the kitchen is dated and I am happy to pay for it as the house was bought predominantly with my money I don’t feel it’s a waste houses always need something at some point I think the fact he’s putting his foot down is he’s trying to be in charge but I don’t think leaving him is the answer and also why would you go when the house is mostly yours. Just get some quotes to start with does he resent you having more money than him?

Not investing or caring about the house was one of the reasons I left XH as it was symptomatic of our relationship. He wanted to be invested in and cared for, not the house, not family, not me. Took me a while to understand that.

Is he scared of his financial/pension future and doesn't think you both have enough to retire on, or does he usually dismiss your wants unless they align with his? The advice will be different on your answer to this question so think carefully.

Aside from the relationship issues/different priorities, from a financial perspective

• an extension and kitchen are going to be much more than £30K
• you are probably aware - but just to flag that the pension age is moving to 57 on 6th April 2028 (although for some private pensions you'll still be able to take money from 55).
• Once you start 'crystallising' your pension by taking money from it the total amount you can take tax free will be impacted (unless you're already at the max of 25% of your pension being £268K) - so it can be better to leave it in longer to grow the tax free amount you'll be able to take. Definitely get some advice/do some research into pension draw down/crystallising pension pots before you do it

Are you married?

Surely it’s up to you how you spend your money, if you’re already covering 50% of household costs. I don’t really think he has the right to veto it. It’s not his money

So, I'm taking a different stance to my usual LTB approach!

Firstly, I think you have to forget the 80/20 split. Unless it is legally enforaceble that ship has sailed. Buying together, you made that decision in better more optimistic / more naive times. Holding on to that will only ever add to your resentment. Be graceful and forgiving with yourself

If I was in a realtionship that was fundementally good, and getting a new kitchen was important to ME and would make my day to day life feel better, I'd pay for it (but be aware and realistic that the costs may increase). That way I'd have a good relationship and a lovely lifestyle and a day--to-day life that made me happy. No point in living in a house you dislike (especially when you can afford to pay for the changes). I think that only leads to more resentment, years of sad living, and ultimately destroys your relationship anyway.

Go ahead, invest in your fabulous kitchen, live your dream kitchen happy life.

If doing that leads to the end of your relationship then at least you'll know that you tried your best and invested financially and emotionally in the best way you could to enhance your own life.

However... I'm the cook and home-maker in our house. dh benefits but isn't interested. But he would never stop me from spending my (and his) money of things that make a difference to our house or to my enjoyment of it. If he did I'd be out of the marriage pdq

hmmm this is what I would suspect. He doesnt know how much you have got in your savings and pension, buyt presumably you dont know how much he has. He could be telling you anything. He could have nothing. 'We cant afford it' could well be because he thinks you as a couple cant afford it, as he will be relying on you financially in retirement. Whether you are happy to do that is up to you. YOu may well end up having to cough for that in a divorce too.

OP you need to speak to a lawyer about all your options, if you are married he is entitled to 50% of all your savings and pensions as well potentially! Did you not do a deed of trust when you bought the house?

Does he not want to talk about it because he has no pension or savings ?
if so he will come after 50% of yours if you divorce.
i would see a solicitor to assess where you stand

You don’t sound like much of a team.

I agree that it’s nice to have control over your own money but surely you wouldn’t just put a new kitchen in or build an extension to your joint property without asking?

Same here. I wanted a new kitchen and bathroom so I paid for them! Although DH was on board for both, which is what the OP wants from her OH.

I’m contemplating a bathroom redo it’s really the only room in my house that needs an overhaul. The rest altho dated compared
to magazines or Instagram is very classically solidly built and nicely decorated by me.
every time I bring it up my perfectly reasonable mostly accommodating DH becomes the opposite of that. At one point he recommended using a builder 2 hrs away. Yea right.

see a solicitor about the house being ringfenced to protect your investment. it may or may not be too late but ask.

do the kitchen. You get to make all
the decisions and you will enjoy it. it’s terrible to put on hold a very resonable improvement because of relationship fragility. I experienced this in my first marriage. A kitchen is the ♥️ of a home and you and dc will enjoy it very much

can you under legal advisement protect
your inheritance? Gift an annual
amout to your children? Somehow move it so it’s not gone but also not going to be divided if you do split?

If you don't mind paying don't ask tell him. I've got xy builder coming to give me a price for the work I'm having done on the kitchen.

Doh! It’s absolutely clear in the OP but I still missed that OP is married.

Apologies. What a mess! Definitely legal advice.

My husband and I have separate money and have done for over 25 years. The benefit of this is you can spend it on what you want without asking! If you get on well day to day, why would you divorce over this?

I think if you are thinking of leaving him over this then your relationship can't be that great.
It sort of boils down to whether you love him more than a new kitchen?

I do realise it's more than that because it's communication around money etc but you do have to ask yourself the fundamental question about whether you love him or a nice house/kitchen more?

So, he doesn’t know you have loads of money invested?
You want to use some for the kitchen, you want to remove a year’s salary from savings. This is concerning to him, and you are angry because you want a nice kitchen- more than you want a marriage?

He’s just embarrassed because he’s not the financially sorted one. My DH is also unable to talk about money or the future. He doesn’t know how money works & thinks in a very limited way about it. I’m no accountancy whizz but I take care of bills, tax etc… I think you should get your kitchen. But, I know where you’re at. It’s like talking to a toddler about trigonometry! Very frustrating, indeed…

Prenups aren’t legally enforceable in the UK and they are married, no?

I don’t understand. Why would he get 50% of house if you split? Did you not ring fence the 80% you put down? 😱

I would seriously think about splitting and having your own place. Definitely don’t marry him!

Won't it be worse if you invest more into the house and he gets 50% of that too? I'd go to a solicitor if I were you and find out how to protect your assets. Sounds like you have a good pension and he doesn't? How long ago did you put 80% into the house?