To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

How did you respond when she said she wanted to go on the bike? They will kick off at 2 if you say you need to get clothes on as they think they aren't getting what they want. I know when mine were this age I had to fake excitement at what they wanted to do for example "yes that sounds really exciting and I would love to do this with you. However it's a bit cold out there in just our PJ's. I know could we race to see how quickly we get our clothes on. I'm so excited to come with you so let's be super quick". It feels massive overkill but we'd usually be dressed and out in minutes without tears or tantrums. It still works sometimes now my youngest is 5.

You sound like you've lost the joy and your sparkle a little. Some of the other suggestions about antidepressants seem on the ball. Hope it lifts soon for you.

I think you have burnout. My mum is dead too and kids are same ages as yours so I can relate. My husband and I NEVER get a break. It is relentless and hard. I don't have the answer but you have my sympathy. You are pouring from an empty cup and with no reprieve in sight it is hard to see how it will get better x

Can you have a look at what your local council offers around parenting and support… Ours has a great offer for parents of neurodivergent children (no diagnosis needed)… maybe see if there is something like that and whether the topics covered sound like things you are struggling with.

It just sounds extremely grim. I hope somehow something today makes you smile, even briefly, and you get that appointment.

A friend of mine did think if she’d gone on antidepressants two years earlier she might still be married. I hope if that’s the plan that they do something for you, they certainly helped me at the time I needed them.

Are you up for going to the gp about this? How old are your children they do need both of you to engage so it might be worth their dad going to the gp to.

I just popped back to say mine are 18 and nearly 14 now. Generally they are good company and are growing up into lovely young adults. I haven’t forgotten that relentless time, but it did improve eventually.

OP what is work like for you? Do you have friends? are you happy in your marriage?

I think if you pause and consider these things… you’ll realise that it isn’t just your children

Yes, this. Fixing yourself and your mindset may be key to changing your children’s behaviour.

So you’re happy in your job and fulfilled?
happy in your marriage?
good health and fitness?
a good group of friends?

I have DCs the same age and it is tough. My eldest has been referred for ASD and ADHD assessment and home life is very difficult. The things that help us are getting out of the house as much as possible at the weekends, parks, days out, picnics with friends and their children, even just a drive somewhere to break up the day. We never spend a whole day in the house. We take it in turns to have a lie in each at the weekend. If one of us goes to the shops or to run an errand they take one child with, leaving one in one time with the other. 5 year old is in school and 2 year old is in nursery whilst I work, which although stressful in itself is a break from DCs.

How often are you on your phone?… i find too much screen time for myself detaches me from every day mundane stuff… which used to include the kids when they were that age. It was an escapism. But a bad one

The best and most accessible book I ever read for this age group is how to talk so little kids will listen. You may have read it already, if you have I'd go back to it. It's different to other parenting books, less dense, more practical and focused on a range of different scenarios.

With the monologues, at 5 I'd be telling them to wait a moment while I do xyz and then I will come and listen properly. Then if they keep on talking stop listening completely and get on with xyz. Even if the talking doesn't stop it's better than you trying to do two things at once and getting frustrated.

Is your mum around for you to talk to? Or a good friend in real life?

A lot of this is familiar- 2 year old have tantrums, 5 year old wibble on endlessly about God knows what. But the way you are both coping with it isn't ideal - normally there are also lots of good moments that get you through the bad. It might be you are just exhausted but it sounds like you do need some help.

You're in the trenches, I'm there too with the same age kids. It's so tough. Yesterday they squabbled all day and I had to break up fights and screaming and then the youngest bit the eldest (?!) and it was all so highly strung and histrionic. We've had multiple nighttime accidents this week, get woken up by them at 6am then the eldest fights bedtime and doesn't go down till 9pm.

I'm exhausted and my nerves are shot. The only way we're surviving is to alternate nights on and off so one of us can always get a full night's sleep in the spare room. I'm not sure you can change behaviours too much at this stage, we're just trying to survive it! You sound completely burnt out and exhausted, is there any way you can get your partner or a grandparent to look after them for a day and just take the day off for yourself to rest and recover?

You and your partner are allowing your children to be psychologically damaged. Is there someone who can care for them? A grandmother?

FWIW I think you resent your partner for 'checking out' and leaving the burden of care solely to you, so you're doing the same. The end result is that no-one is caring for them which is unacceptable.

Ok some practical tips you can possibly do f from today...

Buy yourself some ear plugs, ideally they ones that filter out the noise rather then totally block it. There's are a few different types. Wear them. It helps to cope with the noise.

At weekends put DD in pj's that could maybe be day clothes

You can't force a 2yo not to tantrum. You can't force a 5yo not to chat enthusiastically about his latest interest. I wonder if the reasons the monologues get to you is because you're trying to deal with other stuff while he's talking?

Can you identify some things you CAN do to make your life easier? Eg

Eat ready meals
Eat off disposable plates so no washing up
Use a laundry service
"Let go" of having a clean house for a few months
Don't force DD to get dressed
Lower your standards and pick your battles eg if they want to eat ham on cornflakes for breakfast with their hands. Let them.
Put them in a club which gives you a break

I've felt similar. Some questions

Do you have any family (or good friend) support?
Are you accessing your maximum nursery hours?
When is younger DC 3?
What are your finances like?
How old are you / could you be perimenopausal?
Is there any way you can think of to get more sleep (when if it means going to bed same time as DC)?
Do you have someone not DH you can vent honestly to?

There’s a similar age gap in my children. When mine were 6 and 2 it was fucking relentless. I totally relate to the feelings of “shut up with your boring monologues…” At the time I thought it was work stress and I have a long history of anxiety/worry/panic. Anyway, I went to see my GP who suggested I try SSRIs and it worked! It can take a while to find the right thing, dosage etc. but seek help - it’s there.