To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

OP you sound overwhelmed and desperate. I’ve felt like this at times in the past but it’s been short lived. For me, what it’s really signalling is I feel close to burning out and what I need is rest and peace. It’s not always an option to have it.

I have four under six and I hear you on how hard work they can be. I’m on my own with them a lot as DH works long hours.

Getting out of the house helps loads, when they’re busy and engaged they aren’t at home destroying the house and are less likely to be irritating each other. Free/low cost activities are your friend. Even when I can’t be bothered I usually find I’m glad I went. I’m strict with my kids that if they mess around we will leave and go home and I will follow through with that. Go out in the morning, home for your younger one to nap, let eldest watch tv and either catch up on jobs or rest yourself. Makes loads of difference.

I also agree with the advice up thread, when I’m in the grip of this sort of mood deciding I’m going to fake it til I make it is often the way out of it. My children are highly reactive to my mood, the worse I feel the worse they behave and it’s an awful vicious circle. If I force myself to do something as simple as read them a book and cuddle them on my lap while I do so I immediately feel relieved that my bad mood can pass.

I would do everything in my power to try and get some sort of short respite. Can your children do a bit more time in childcare? Can you and your partner agree to give each other a short break at the weekend so you can reset? Can you stick something on Disney plus on for an hour and just sit and read your book?

Can you have a look and see if the charity Homestart operates in your area and see if the GP/HV can refer you? I had some help from them after my third baby was born where I was super lonely and they found me the loveliest volunteer. She helped me so much and I think of her all the time and still miss her. It sounds like it could be just the support you need right now as it’s practical hands on help.

I would also do everything possible to simplify your life and the demands on you at the moment. You are in survival mode. Hang in there, you sound like a good mum who actually does care very much about your children but you need some support.

Things I notice on this thread

1. You have some rigidity - your friend can have mess and chaos, you can't handle

1. You are having blocked care - you are burned out and your own functioning is swamped and overwhelmed

1. You have a 2 year old who is particularly strong willed and won't "do the thing for the reward" - and you feel you can't just win the battle of wills through strictness, she will never give in (NB the first sign my child was autistic was this)

1. You have a 5 year old who monologues continually.

1. You have one of them at least who wakes really really early.

Now. The children could be completely within the realms of normal behaviour and you could be overwhelmed. You could potentially be neurodivergent as you are trying to lead a rigid and calm life with the natural un-calm world of toddlers and small kids.

Or the children could be harder than many to manage, and you are mainly using neurotypical parenting on neurodivergent children ,which doesnt work and escalates everything all the time to a point of unbearable stress. Thus you are depressed.

Or - to be honest what feels most likely to me - is that you are neurodivergent and so are your children.

Diagnosing here is obviously very silly, I don't know you!!

But I tend to believe parents when they say "Something here just feels off, like it's too much". I tend to assume most parents are kind of ok at taking care of most children unless there's something else going on.

You can get free help from a therapist if you’re in the UK. Speak to your GP. Time to talk is free; I’ve had 16 weeks of therapy over the phone and it’s been incredibly helpful. Mumsaid is free. There’s another too in forgetting; Mind. All free, on the phone or in person. It sounds to me like your nervous system has done into overload and you’ve detached to cope with overwhelm. Please seek help. I’ve done similar recently. I’ve had SSRIs to help with low mood/irritability from PMDD. HRT to cope with menopause. ADHD diagnosis to help understand the emotional and sensory overwhelm and shutdown I’m feeling. All normal and reversible and help available. Things don’t have to stay like this for you or your partner. Help is available for you to find joy in parenting. Your feelings will be affecting your kids too as they pickup on this, so but reaching out and asking for help you are helping them too. This is really not unusual at all and treatable, and the bond can return. Take care and let us know how you get on.

You sound burnt out. And also, you sound like your disassociating. When mine were very small, twice i like I wasn't really here ( for months ) so drained and tired I was just on autopilot. Every now and then I would snap back to reality and it would literally be like a fog fell down infront of my eyes. It only happened twice and I remember both times so clearly. I was under an immense about of pressure and stress at the time

Me and my children are all also AUHD and your 5 year olds behaviour really reminded me of my DD when she was small. Normal parenting advice / classes didn't work and I felt like such a failure as a parent.

DD and I were both diagnosed within 3 months of each other and once I started parenting/supporting my children like ND children need to be parented and supported, all of us got so much happier and calmer. I learnt to understand myself too and my own triggers

DD is a non stop talker, it's too much for my brain 🤣..... somthing I always did when she was younger which she thoroughly enjoyed, is I'd start singing parts of her monologue back to her and she would join in - "DD saw a cat in the garden, oooooh a big black cat oh. Oh oh, where did the cat go 🤣 it used to stop me getting annoyed and also change her focus from talking at me to thinking up funny songs

As she's got older ( 11 now ) she's old enough that she knows I don't enjoy being talked at ( not talked to, there's a huge difference ) and she will ask me if she can talk to me about whatever she's hyperfocused on..... she doesn't have to ask permission to talk to me aha we talk normally throughout the day ect but if she wants to just information dump on me she has to ask first

It was very very draining when they were younger but honestly their 9 and 11 now and both so easy, it does get better

We had major problems when one of mine was approx 5-6, and a new baby arrived. I suspect that the awful behaviour is essentially attention seeking - and we found a really quick way to reset the ‘default’ was in doing 1-to-1 days, where it rotates weekly, so each child gets to spend quality time just with one parent, and for the 5 year old, you should give them a lot of choice / agency / control over what they do, where they eat etc. So maybe give them a choice between 3 ‘special’ days out - and let them choose where you eat your lunch, and then give them a budget to choose a gift from the souvenir shop at the end of the day, for them, and for their sibling. And during the day, make sure to praise them, and boost their confidence.

We found, after one day of undivided attention, where they had quite a lot of control over where to go and what to do, it was almost like a magic switch had been flipped - it was almost immediate after one session!

We carried on doing this for quite a while - each weekend, it would rotate (we had two boys of 8&6, and a baby), so dc1 would have a special day with me one weekend, (while dh looked after the other two, and still had a nice day out) then the following weekend it would switch around, so that each boy would get a special 1-to-1 day out with each parent, over the course of a month.

Also - you need to make sure you and your dh alternate downtime for you both - maybe making sure that each of you get a child-free morning either every weekend, or every fortnight.

And is there any chance you could increase childcare during the week for the 2 year old? To allow a bit of a break… How soon will they be starting the pre-school year? That could be a big change, and allow a bit more time for you to recover your energy.

I also think improving your sleep quality and quantity could help things - and also agree with pps about going to GP and getting help to improve your mood. I have recently accessed therapy through IAPT (NHS), and it was really helpful. And medication might be an option to explore. Good luck!

I think you and your partner need to have a good talk about it. It sounds like you're both overwhelmed. But he doesn't get to just check out from everything. You need to make a plan, together, to improve things.

Here's what i think is most important:

See GP. Find out about anti depressants and ALSO get signed off from work for a couple of weeks and give yourself some time for them to kick in and to give yourself a break.

You aren't ready for therapy right now, which is fine. But keep an open mind. If the ADs work you might find yourself in a position where it feels a bit more manageable. NHS talking therapy can be useful, even if it's just having someone totally unrelated that you can let everything out to without judgement.

Find some time for yourself. When I say make a plan with your partner you both need to figure out how you can each get some time where you don't have to do anything or think about anyone else. This might mean you get a Saturday morning to do what you want while he is in charge of the kids. And maybe he gets an evening to go out and do his own thing? Whatever works for you.

Lower your standards for a bit. If DD wants to go out on her bike maybe try saying "ok we can do that. What are you going to wear?" If she wants to stay in pyjamas then whatever! She's a kid and it doesn't matter. I know it can feel hard, but sometimes you have to pick your battles and things might improve if every day isn't full of conflict that could be avoided. You can work on the kids behaviour a bit more once you feel better

Divide and conquer. Maybe try and get out of the house one day a week where each parent takes a child and you just go on a walk or something. Don't have high expectations. Just go, follow the kids interests, get out and about a bit.

I really hope that things start to look up for you soon because I've been where you are and I know how unbearably helpless it feels.

Yep, we have found that taking DS to the park and playing with him 1:1 really really helps his behaviour - becomes a lot keener to please, and the silliness/annoying behaviour stops as he feels more noticed. Works especially when he has been messing about/bouncing off the walls all day.

Oh I did one and also thought the same like you. I have like 20 parenting books and spend so long researching I thought there was nothing i could learn. It was actually really helpful - they work through scenarios and things real time to look at patterns in the household. Chat GPT isn’t even a search engine it just guesses what you want to hear.

We were referred from the GP and it was free.

I have a pause for thought in that i felt same as you when kids this age. I was diagnosed depressed. But actually the bonding problems were because my eldest is autistic, i just didn’t know. When he got diagnosed and got lot of help and therapy to improve his behaviour our relationship improved a lot. I remember my husband crying that he’d never had a conversation with our son when he was 6. He monologued, had loads of words, but couldn’t engage in actual to and fro chat. It was awful! Now he’s learned how to engage and he’s lovely so it’s easier to enjoy being round him.

May also be your kids are totally normal and you are depressed. No way to know without knowing you.

Do get help though - my friend was similarly depressed when kids young and ended up giving them screens the whole time to shut them up. Now they are teens they are vile with no social skills.

It sounds to me like what you are experiencing is hopelessness and that is a really dangerous place to be. I think it’s likely you have depression. You are poorly, not failing.

Please see your GP and tell them how you feel. Ask for medication and stick to it.

Then look for manageable small steps to get you through the day. Perhaps some loop ear plugs? They are designed to reduce the noise around you to prevent overstimulation. There are various noise settings so that you can still hear and engage with what’s around you.

Look for things that spark joy in you and seek it every day, whether that’s a hot bath or a coffee in the garden.

You won’t feel like this forever. You’ve got through every hard day before this and you’ll continue to get through it. Sending you hope x

It sounds like you are experiencing blocked care. It’s very understandable. I don’t have the brain power to explain it, but your love and empathy are still there but are dampened due to your circumstances. You are dealing with all of this in your own. So much to hold. You are only human so be kind to yourself.

Your very first and most important task right now is looking after you.

Your husband needs to step up and give you time to look after yourself. Your mental health and wellbeing matter just as much as his. He doesn’t get to opt out due to depression, any more than you do. He has just as much responsibility for the children as you do.

Speak to your GP and speak to Social Services or your health visitor. There might be supportive play groups you can join. They are there to help, not to judge and they have access to all sorts of support below the child protection threshold.

Please know though that you are not broken. Your love is still there but at the moment your brain is too overwhelmed and not getting enough support for it to make room for love and empathy. Your jug needs topping up.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, these ages are exhausting.
Please try and get out to groups as much as possible for your own mental health. Plan something for everyday you're at home with them, especially over the holidays. Other parents will be feeling the same and the children will wear eachother out. That might be the practical life line you need.
Kids are definitely better behaved when exercised, stimulated and fed regularly, and it will help you feel better.
A playgroup, your local library and children's centre will have activities you can attend, or out with friends at the park with a cup of coffee and snacks. The library will be doing their Summer Reading Challenge soon so there will be stickers and events in the library, and a library is a great place for small kids to walk around safely, take a drink and plan to stay and read or colour. The activities in a library are normally free. And although teaching kids to read is hard it's a key way for them to entertain themselves and help them be successful in life.
Get your children outside in the morning as I always found that it set them up for the day.
Plan some small activity at home where you do it together each day in the afternoon, in time they will learn to do it in their own. A craft, playdough, Duplo towers, stampers on paper, make cup cakes using a baking mix (nothing to complex) play with toys making stories. And read together each day, get your 5 year old to read to their cat/teddy too. In time they will learn to take turns with toys and speaking, and learn to entertain themselves, but it is really hard work. Use a timer where if the older one manages to play quietly for increasing amounts of time they get a reward a story, craft, baking.
If you need a break play hide and seek where they hide and you slowly tidy up and shout out oh where are they hiding, making no effort to find them for 5 mins 🤣.
Good luck they will be teenagers and ignoring you in about 10 years!

I knew someone who had noise-cancelling headphones, and would pop them on when her DC were mid-tantrum. Just for 3 minutes, or the time it took to listen to a good song. She could see the DC and be sure they were safe. But not hear them.

It sounded like a life-saver tbh

Sounds really tough going for you, I do relate and sympathise a lot.

Wondering if having some music that you enjoy would help shift the atmosphere for you and the kids. Sometimes an audiobook might buy you some quiet time or a chance to re-group from feeling overwhelmed. It could be a sensory overload for you at this stage.

Some years and stages are just really tough going.

You should definitely try. It might take a while, trialling different meds/dosages but it’s worth sticking with it. It won’t fix your circumstances, but it can give you the capacity to deal with them better.

Do you have adhd or think you might? Kids are one big ride of exec functions / regulating emotions it makes it harder to do these things with adhd.
nhs does online therapy sessions

As a mum and a grandma, I totally agree with this. Make everything a game. I race my grandson up the stairs to see who can do a wee quickest before we go out. I make a bet with him that he will sit on the third step up to get his shoes on (and he sits on the 4th stair laughing like a demon cos I was wrong - but the shoes get put on.) His dad taught him a trick for putting his coat on, apparently upside down, but it ends up the right way.

I remember sometimes wanting to cry with misery at the chaos of having young kids, decades ago, but saying to myself “Fake it til you make it”, which was one of the mantras of the 80s and 90s and I think related to career success. Pretend to enjoy life. One day you find you do enjoy bits of it.

Speak to your Health visitor i see you have a 2 year old, the HV can refer you to.triple p for parenting classes, also there might be a Homestart organisation in your area, they offer parenting,support they have parent volunteers you can either have 1 to 1 a few hours a week or they run groups, they are aimed at families with under5s, what you are feeling isn't as unusual as you might think.

How are you de-escalating? Even at 5 I still have to take DS's hands and get down on his level for eye contact. I try not to get cross at the emotion but just the behaviour. A tantrum is just a child's way of verbalising their frustrations when we learn to internalise that with coping strategies as we get older. Don't give up if she has a meltdown at being told to do something but work with her to how she can handle those big emotions. You'll feel like you are repeating yourself constantly but she needs to be shown by example the tools to handle a meltdown. It might take 3 or 4 attempts across the day before she actually gets out on her bike. She'll eventually learn that getting dressed is boring but it means she will get what she wants by doing it.

You are steadfastly not responding to how the other elements of your life are, namely whether you work and if you enjoy; if you are happy with your husband; if you have friends; if you feel healthy; financially secure?

Because I suspect when you pick at these you’ll see it really isn’t just your children @ifeelasido

So sorry OP that you are having such a miserable time. I think that talking freely to an outsider could help; ; does your work offer an EAP which would provide short term counselling for free? Or you could ring the samaritans who are not just there for life and death crises. Things can get better, honestly.

Anti-depressants may help here. Medication has made a huge difference in my being able to cope with shit life stuff.

Don't try, ignore and get on with whatever you're doing.

I'd still stop listening though, you've tried to say just a minute, he hasn't listened but if he isn't bothered about just talking away into a void then it doesn't matter. If it helps your stress it's the right thing to do.