To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

No advice, but just reassurance that I felt a lot like you when my daughter was that age. I was also suffering from depression, partly fuelled by the fact that I was the driving factor in wanting children. My husband never wanted any. He also struggled with the years up to age 5 and withdrew. So I felt I had to step up more. But I was exhausted. I was working full time then coming home to a child who was full on - constantly on the go, constantly talking, constantly asking questions. I didn't feel much pleasure in being a parent at all, just tired. All I will say is it became a bit easier when she went to nursery at age 3 and easier still past the age of 5, because I wasn't her constant source of stimulation. She was very intelligent and curious. Then parenting got easier by the year (until she got to recent later teenage tears, but that's a whole different story). One thing that has made it make more sense recently is that she is going through the process of being tested for ADHD, which explains why she was so full on as a child. I also now believe that myself and her dad have it, so we were continually feeling overwhelmed by her constant noise fidgeting and chatter. It was a whole boiling pot of overstimulation in our house. Things are easier now, but motherhood wasn't quite the bed of roses I'd concocted in my head in the broody years leading up to having her.

Book DD an extra day in nursery and take a day for yourself. Have some one on one time with DS when he finishes school before you pick up DD.

You sound burnt out and if you’re considering booking your youngest for an extra nursery day you’d be be far more sensible to also send eldest to school and take some time for yourself! You could use that time to go to the GP, find out about anti-depressants and try and get on top of things. Sometimes it is reasonable to put yourself first.

Does you DH/partner do any parenting at all, or has he completely checked out?

It is hard to connect with your kids when you don’t even feel connected to yourself. You need to prioritise your own mental health, sleep, exercise etc

I have a DD with ADHD, and now looking back it’s obvious why the normal parenting advice didn’t work. At the time it was so confusing that strategies that worked for my older DD were completely hopeless for the younger.

I have found ChatGTP quite helpful when I’ve specified the ADHD as an issue. But I also agree that too much time on your phone is going to make you feel worse.

If your children are potentially neurodiverse, you are better off getting them on the pathway for testing sooner rather than later. Using the Right to Choose pathway can speed things up a little. Your DD will still be too young to diagnose but try using ADHD focused parenting techniques. For your son, the first step might be talking to his teacher to see if they have noticed anything.

I really feel for you - you sound like you really need some help and, more than anything, some empathy and solidarity. Definitely go and see the GP and talk to them about anti-depressants as a first step. You also need to have an honest and firm chat with your partner about how you can help each other and divide and conquer so you both have time for yourselves to recharge.

You probably aren't in the right place for this as a starting point but I also think that while you need to recognise that you deserve empathy and help, so do your children. It's really easy to get stuck in a mindset of how their behaviour is affecting us without considering how our behaviour is affecting them. I say this not to make you feel bad but because I genuinely think recognising this and addressing it might help shift some of the issues.

Have you read Dr Becky/followed her on IG? Her principle of 'connection capital' ie ensuring that above all else you are connecting with your kids before correcting honestly changed my approach and has made things so much easier with my son. 15 dedicated mins a day with him, doing what he wants to do, absolutely no checking of my phone has really improved his behaviour throughout the rest of the day.'

It sounds like your son's monologuing could be him looking for connection - he is trying to tell you things that are important to him. Solidarity because it is annoying and you have to dig deep but have you tried engaging with the monologue - 'oh wow that's so interesting, thanks for sharing that. What do you like about that etc.' I know it feels like that might only encourage it but in my experience, once kids feel heard, the bids for attention decrease.

I really hope you get the help you need - and I really do recommend Dr Becky's book. She also has a whole chapter on self care for parents which I found great too.

Unfortunately I’ve no way of getting to a therapist. Thank you though.

OP many many therapists do online or phone sessions.

It's very easy when you're in this state - and I know because I was in it this past winter - to dismiss everything as impossible. What I found was that therapy alongside SSRIs really have helped. The medication makes the dealing with everything feel like something you can start instead of "This is too big, I can't cope".

I promise you I have been there, and so have lots of others. The first step is starting to lift that fog. Medication can very often do this. It takes six weeks or so, maybe even eight and you think "This isn't doing anything", but then it lifts a little and you might not even notice at first. But then it lifts a little more.

Please make an appointment with your GP.

Donyoubgrt to have a break from.parenting?
Other family offer to help or take them for a sleep or?
If you find it boring then tell them when you are over it to please stop talking or do thry have someone to ring someone to chat to?
Other nearby friends to go off and play?
If you are depressed and your partner go get a medication to help and discuss how you feel.
I dont find children boring but i do like quiet times or sometimes direct them to an activity.
Sounds like time to call in any helpful support.

Loop earplugs are also brilliant.its all very normal behavior for that age and it's no fun,it does get easier and important you look after yourself just now.give antidepressents a couple of weeks and you will find things easier.make a list of things to help make a schedule as that always helps and put on music.for the monologues you can say,I can't chat just now can you tell me later,or Can you go tell Teddy he wants to know more about that.

The thing with parenting groups is not just what the advise, per se - but more being in a group with other parents who are also struggling. It can make you feel less alone and it’s that aspect I think that is helpful too.

What are yours and DH’s working pattern?

Parenting is hard but it’s not going anywhere and so you just have to find a way to cope.

You feel worse when you feel like you exist just to care for them.

You and DH need to come up with a timetable where you take in turns to have some time to yourselves without the kids.
It doesn’t have to cost anything.

I would take in turns where EOD you go out for a long walk or something.

I would try and find a hobby each but just going to a long walk can make a massive difference - time without the kids, fresh air and exercise.

Just a couple hours by yourself or with friends etc makes a massive difference.

You have to find things that make you happy/give you energy so that you have more energy to give your DCs.

Life isn't just shit. You're perceiving it that way because you're depressed and your brain isn't processing enjoyment and reward normally.
If your house burned down, your children died, your husband left, and you woke up in hospital with third-degree burns all over your body having lost your health and mobility, then life would be truly awful.
Instead, you have a home, a family, healthy children, and all the things many people spend their entire lives hoping for. The fact that you can't enjoy them doesn't mean they have no value; it means something is wrong with the way you're experiencing them.
From what you've written, it sounds less like life is the problem and more like you're depressed. If you genuinely hate listening to your toddlers speak, regret having them, and can't find joy in any part of family life, I'd seriously consider speaking to a doctor. Antidepressants and proper support may help far more than convincing yourself that life itself is hopeless.

https://www.home-start.org.uk

This organisation can be helpful. They do a befriending scheme and will offer weekly visits for up to 6months. They can offer practical and emotional support and can help with the

This is such good advice. Sometimes our standards are too high and life becomes easier when we lower them. This will free up more time. What do you do in the evenings when the children are asleep? It’s helpful to have time by yourself to look forward to.

You are asserting that you are unable to access therapy at the moment, but haven’t said why. Therapy is available in the NHS, albeit there’s a long wait.

The fact that you have tried and failed with various parenting techniques, and you are struggling even to get a 2 year old to obey your instructions, suggests you may be applying the techniques incorrectly, and just need some parenting classes to help you with that. Contact your Health Visitor and ask for a referral.

The sense of detachment you are describing is very typical of depression and a visit to the GP would be the first step I think.
In the meantime please remind yourself that you and your partner are managing to keep the basics going for your children - they are fed and clothed and being looked after. I know that you would aspire to something more than this and hopefully with the right help this can eb achieved, but parenting is about doing your best from the place that you are in right now.
I hope that you will get some help soon.

Could you go back to work full time and get a nanny? Even if you broke even only, your life quality would sky rocket making it worth it I imagine.

I can only speak for myself here as im by nature a sociable person but at this stage I found my day much much worse if I didn't see a friend or meet eith other adults and small kids

Are you in a town or rural ? You could focus on trying new meet ups with the toddler or even posting on your local facebook to find some parents with similar age toddlers etc ..be honest and say im finding it hard would love to meet for tea with other mums of feral 2 year olds !

I also had similar thoughts, you have summarised them better than I could though!

You are in the worst loneliest stage of parenting and you seem to he completely unsupported and your partner is depressed and unhelpful

No wonder you feel incredibly stressed by it.

Modern parenting is lonely and fucking shit sometimes. We evolved to raise small children in groups with other adults and other children around all the time.

If you dont want parenting classes- fine. And no therapy...fine. but then you need to act yourself as far as you can.

Timetable your week with time out...free or cheap todldler groups at churches ?

You can refer yourself to front door for families a branch of social services for parenting support. I had help for them for my autistic child and found them helpful.

Put your own phone down. Try and block off time for yourself with no screens as ir just fuels stress and diaengagement.

Get out early with the 2 year old and wear them out. Does it matter if they get dressed before going out on the bike ?

It's shit and parenting can be absolutely awful but you are in a hard part.

I would also wonder if you can get the 2 year old into childcare??