To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

@ifeelasido This really highlights what your problem actually is… your kids are desperate for 1-to-1 attention (and I agree they may be ND), but you can’t give it to them as you are having to juggle both of them.

The constant demands for your attention would reduce if they were also getting a decent amount of attention from their father, but it sounds like they aren’t.

What are your dh’s working hours, and what does he do outside of those? (is it gaming / football/ socialising?). He needs to step up with the kids.

I won't suggest a bunch of possible solutions because, for me, it was quite simply being in the trenches and all that helped was the passing of time. People will suggest all manner of things and maybe some will help but sometimes it's just a really shit era and you sort of cling to the wreckage for a bit.
My kids are aged 6-13 now and life is far, far less painful. Monologues and tantrums from the youngest are still a thing but much reduced. The eldest is actually a brilliant human being I love to spend time with now. He's smart, really funny, pretty independent.. The days of all of us crying in the car after another failed fun day out are a distant memory and I truly don't miss them so don't let anyone guilt you into the "enjoy them now, you'll miss it!"

You sound exhausted and I really feel for you as two of my children are the same age, it’s exhausting. I’m stuck between wishing the time away waiting for life to get easier and wanting things to slow down. You clearly don’t want to feel this way, you may very well be depressed but we don’t have to pathologize everything and this could just be down to all of the difficulties parents experience associated with children this age. I wake in the morning and it’s chaos from the get go, arguing screaming shouting.

I wonder if some time with each child individually would be beneficial to help you feel more connected to them? (I usually find mine are worse when together). Maybe your husband could do something with your eldest whilst you take your youngest.

It doesn't happen in isolation though does it? The kids are acting out more because your DH and your mental and physical health isn't great. Your health isn't great partly because of the kids' behaviour. It becomes a vicious circle unless you get help to break it.

My first thoughts were also for these poor kids. Both their parents have basically checked out of properly parenting them.

I appreciate that the OP is having a hard time but she doesn't seem massively keen on listening to very much advice and has already decided most things "won't work".

Her message very much seems to be "I wish I'd never had children they've ruined my life". As someone whose mother told me this on a weekly basis growing up, I cannot overstate how damaging this message is to a child. The OP may not actually be saying it, but she might as well be, as her kids will pick up on how she feels.

While she obviously needs some sort of medical or theraputic help, I think she also needs to take responsibility for her own life and actions and start putting her children first here. I have suffered from depression for most of my life but I still always made the effort to parent my children and do my very best for them. She chose to have kids, they didn't ask to be born.
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@ifeelasido you also said " ... it is definitely due to my children! I’m not trying to ‘blame’ them but their behaviour is awful ... "

As much as I have sympathy for you and the way you feel, to be honest, for the long-term mental health of your young children in these very important and formative years, and from a safeguarding pov and being a voice for the voiceless, my greatest concern is for them.

With the exception of any underlaying conditions, their 'awful' behaviour is largely within your influence/control and is probably down to the fact they know how you feel about them, even if they don't have the words or the ability yet, to understand it and vocalise it.

From what you have shared, you definitely need help and I would urge you very strongly to a) go and see your GP; b) get OFF your screen and engage with those little ones who never asked to be born; c) change your mindset and fake it (loving your children and being the parent they need) until you make it.

I truly hope for both your's, but more importantly their sake, you get the help you need.

You have my sympathy - I am about 1y behind you with a 4yo and nearly 1yo (who is often still easily mollified as still a baby). But my 4yo is intense.

I really hear you on the constant questions / talking at you. It can be so frustrating because it's not really a conversation. Answering questions makes me feel like a slot machine and engaging with a monologue is a minefield - echo back what he said and I get "stop copying me Mummy!" Try to ask an interested question and there's a reasonable chance it triggers huffing and puffing and stomping about "That's not what I'm saying! You're not listening! You don't understand!" Noncommittal responses he often twigs I'm not really engaging.

When you add that to other demanding behaviour that needs managing (rude demands for stuff, jealousy of sibling, limited independent play, making deliberate messes, shouting about stuff, needing to be coaxed through every single personal hygiene task while fielding a crawling baby into everything) it is a lot.

My other current parenting nadir is procrastination and needing support on the toilet. Our bathroom is tiny and coaxing DS through pulling down pants and trousers, sitting on the toilet and then fending off requests for stories while he is pooping, then coaching bum wiping, pants and hand washing only for him to unravel all the toilet paper, smear his wet hands on the mirror and throw the towel on the floor (multiple times a day). Omg the mum rage.

Things that are helping me a lot:

• regular playdates with friends for the older one - low key park meetup or something similar, maybe bringing a picnic. Sometimes it's a bust but often he is happy to play with a friend mostly independently without any major intervention needed
• choosing one problem behaviour at a time to work on and really focusing on that. My current focus is rude demands - "Milk! Get me milk!" Every time he does this I correct him and coach him to a polite request. Loads of praise if he spontaneously asks politely. At some point you notice that there may be 50 other frustrations, but at least he said please / put his shoes in the cupboard or whatever.
• Really trying to do 10 minutes of uninterrupted play solo with both kids each day to fill their cups. I've slipped with this recently and I need to get back on it but it really does make a difference to their behaviour

You sound like a lovely mum and I’m sorry you are struggling at the moment. It does get easier though.

OP isn’t bored, she’s overwhelmed and worn out.

Disobedience should have consequences (but never threaten something you cannot perform e.g. unless you stop making farting noises you won't come to Disneyland Paris is only going to a) cause problems and b) show that you do not follow through on consequences).

In addition to discussing meds, also request a full set of bloods. There might be other things going on too(vitamin deficiency, iron deficiency, thyroid issues etc). Have you been losing weight?
Sounds like you’re running on fumes, physically, emotionally and mentally so of course you will be struggling.

Then you both need help, and need to see your GP. But parenting is boring a lot of the time. There is only so much finger painting, singing etc you can do and not get bored. Stick the TV on and read a book with a cup of tea (or coffee if that way inclined). Boredom is the fount of creativity btw.

You might actually also be a bit unwell - could be thyroid or something hormonal or vitamn deficiency too? A round of blood tests at the GP might be indicated?

I hear you on powering through and it's good to hear you are feeling in control of things with these thoughts. I would gently suggest that this strategy might not work - it assumes you can just bear the load for a bit longer- but actually a new strategy might be needed xx

I dont know why people are suggesting your children are ND, they seem completely NT to me?! The older one chats a lot, the younger one tantrums, as at 2 years of age they havent yet worked out how to handle their emotions (hell, some adults still havent) You havent said anything alarming imo. Thats not to say it isnt still tricky.

I dont want to go on about a therapist as I'm also in a position were I'd struggle to engage with one (solo parent, with him 24/7) But I wonder if you could do it on your lunch break at work, or you should get an hour or so for a health appointment? Just putting it out there if you havent thought of that way around it.

I do second GP and possible medication for depression. Bare in mind you may feel "worse" before you feel better and medication can take around 4 to 8 weeks to work, but it is still worthwhile and beneficial to many.

I would try and carve out as much time as possible (again I know how difficult this is first hand) for yourself, a bath over the weekend, reading a book for half an hour in bed before you get up (can you share lie ins over the weekend so you get one each?), skin care when the children are asleep. If your two year old still naps take that time to relax, dont try and do your chores/cooking etc, they can always wait and will be there when shes napped.

Sending love x

You have to work hard on changing the children’s behaviour. It hasn’t happened overnight, sounds like everyone is unhappy with the choas. Your husband needs to check back in with life.
Children need structured boundaries and discipline, ignoring this will make it worse.
Please see a GP. Get your husband on board.
Things will not improve without a total household change.

Agreed.

I don’t. They seem like normal kids for their age ie annoying. This is entirely about the parents and their lack of coping mechanisms
for typical young child behaviour.

Of course she doesn't have to respond but my friend having found an actual solution to raising similar children is as good if not better than suggesting drugs or counselling if not mentally ill. It's understandable to be interested in her thoughts in the particular case of my friend.

When I felt like this about 15 years ago, I tried to turn things round by doing small, kind things for my children. I thought I'd try 'fake it til you make it's, and thought (I was particularly struggling to like one child), 'what would I do/say/buy' if I adored this child?'. I ignored any lack of recognition or gratitude in return, and just romanticised the shit out of my life. Things didn't change overnight, and I was still massively burned out by life, but it truly did make a difference over time and I felt better about myself for doing it (which made a much quicker difference because I didn't feel so guilty about how I felt). Good luck.

She doesn’t owe you a response

See my update on latest post. I just wondered what your thoughts were regarding my friends solution to a similar situation