To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

I think a lot of counsellors are aware of this and so offer evening appointments.
It could be a safe and non judgemental space to air things.
Maybe think about is as an option.

I found this book useful too, and went to a parenting group based around it.
I really remember the advice about simplifying requests, fewer words. Did work with child later diagnosed as autistic

I didn’t insist your children were autistic at any point. I simply asked you to consider the possibility that they might be.

OP I'm sorry things are so hard. You've been very honest and I think many of us - myself included - have stood in your shoes, but few of us want to admit to such apparently unmotherly feelings.
You're actually doing really well in the sense that your DC are thriving at school and, as you say, you cope fine and even enjoy them one-on-one. The issue is when the two DC are together.

I think you need practical support from outside. Either a friend, a trusted family member or paid help to come and support you even if just for a few hours a week. Having another person there will change the dynamic completely and you may even get a chance to go for a walk or do something for you, alone. It'll be another person to divert attention when things kick off.
In an ideal world your partner would fulfil this role but he is emotionally unavailable at the moment. I hope he checks back in at some point but that's a different conversation for another day.

Above all, be kind to yourself. You work, you look after the home, you feed, clothe, play with and read to your DC, you get them to school/nursery. All this while feeling overwhelmed by their behaviour, and being physically not at your best.

So a huge well done.

It WILL get better, but you might need help to see you through this challenging phase.

💐

Your follow up posts pay no resemblance to your first post OP. Your latest reply to me proves you are indeed a good caring mother. You don't owe anyone a reply although if there are posts you don't agree with at least they help to bring out the true state of your circumstances. I've just read there is a poster who has children & admits she doesn't have a maternal bone in her body & has been brave enough to be honest. I don't believe this is your situation OP.

I hope you will eventually look back on your post & realise you have created wonderful little human beings & despite the challenging stages of their development you wouldn't be without them, or wish you had chosen to be childless & not have them to love & be loved in return.

And yet, I said none of those things and you dismissed me out of hand.

Absolute bullshit.

I know women who went through multiple miscarriages, multiple rounds of IVF, several thousands of pounds and you know what? They still moan when their kids are tricky. No one wishes for this.

Also , what planet do you live on where SS are not underfunded, overstretched and overworked and just sitting around waiting for a chance to help a struggling parent with “childcare experts”? What childcare experts?

@ifeelasidoStick with it girl. It will pass eventually or you will find balance as they grow. As for those suggesting SS...like there is any help for families just about hanging in, when there's nothing for those who are off the scale. In days gone by and closer geographically, families OP could have shunted a lot to grandparents/ auntie/ cousins etc. Modern families don't that that option.

Sure start used to be the lifeline for families like the OP.
When mine were little there was jack all. I struggled, but had to just crack on, hope the kids would settle eventually. I had severe PND/PTSD ( or more likely reality kicked in) I have never enjoyed being a parent, just had to do the best I could until they grew up. If I had my time again I wouldn't have ever had kids. I don't have a maternal bone in my body. It's the only decision that if you get wrong there's no going back.
As they grow, carve out time for hobbies etc to reclaim you.

A lot of small charities do free counselling sessions if you don’t mind having a trainee therapist

Some great suggestions here but I get the feeling the OP has made up her mind she simply doesn't enjoy being a mum. There are women who would give their eye teeth to have 2 children such as the OP describes. On reflection the posters who say she needs expert help are right. I would begin with social services who could arrange help from childcare experts geared towards parents who find it hard to cope with the everyday demands of parenthood. The fact is there is no disgrace in admitting it doesn't come naturally and subsequently asking for help.

Is there anything you enjoy doing with them even say watching a film ? I'd start with doing something with them that you'd enjoy

I had similar when I was briefly on the implant. As soon as I had it removed I could feel the weight lifting, I was so relieved that’s what was causing it instead of just feeling like my life was shit.

A few years on though, I now have a 5yo and 2yo like OP and it is really hard. When my DS (5yo) is lying on the floor screaming because the it’s time for the TV to go off I have zero compassion, just annoying that I’m being screamed at.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but the OP sounds exactly like where I was two years ago. I stopped taking the pill and my tolerance for my children has really changed. Like a cloud lifted. The tiredness etc as well. May be completely unrelated but worth mentioning

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this OP, but you could search Home-Start and your area and see if you have a local organisation. They can help you with this type of situation if one or both of your children are 6 or under. They helped me with a situation I had with my daughter at age 4/5. You can self refer or people like Health Visitors, School Nurses and Social Prescribers can refer your family.

I do think getting a check up with your GP would be a good. They can do some blood tests and check for any underlying physical health issues. Perhaps you might try some medication for your mental health. I went on medication (Sertraline) when my daughter was 5 and it really helped me.

I went on a parenting course and found it mostly quite helpful. There was a focus on building a positive relationship with your child/ren through coaching them and spending quality time with them. They did cover managing difficult behaviour and discipline, but the idea seemed to be that you need to build the positive part as much as you need to deal with any negative or undesirable behaviour.

One thing I found quite interesting was that they recommended only trying to change one behaviour at a time with young children. Focus on one behaviour (such as putting their shoes away or sitting nicely at the table), change that and then move onto another and so on. Whereas, the reward charts one can buy often focus on multiple behaviours, which becomes overwhelming and difficult to monitor.

Positive reinforcement can be quite powerful. Seeking attention through negative behaviour can also be a thing - so potentially getting your attention any way they can and not really caring too much if this is due to them doing something good or bad.

My comment wasn’t to criticise or even really to advise just more thinking of myself when my kids were little. I have a couple of sons who needed to be out otherwise they’d be climbing the walls and Îd be tearing my hair out. Only you know what’s best .

I agree asking for random things is a 5 years old thing, why can't he go to the zoo on his birthday? But you could have just distracted him with saying oh maybe but let's wait till it is nearer your birthday, you are being annoyed at a child acting like a child.

So I suppose (kindly) OP the thing is to get help. A break from them somehow, a cleaner? Anything that makes life a tiny bit better.

It's like being in a dark tunnel, so sorry. It's not you.

Again this is just, well, normal ! ‘Yes let’s go to the zoo on your birthday, what animals would you like see’ ? And keep saying no while you find some new distraction for the two year old, put the bike out of sight.
I genuinely don't understand how in your mind this is “horrific” , of course he wants to go to the zoo he is FIVE, it’s exciting !

Have you had a full blood screen recently? As I mentioned previously, chronically low B12 had me feeling rubbish, may be worth checking.

I don't think your kids sound ND OP, they sound thoroughly 'normal' to me. And normal is often challenging!

I also agree with a couple of the others who said 'fake it till you make it'. I used to pretend I was being watched as a way of giving myself a gee up 😂

I imagine OP does realise that her behaviour impacts her children

if she didn’t care she wouldn’t be on a thread asking for advice to make things better