Is lodger being disrespectful?

It sounds like you basically don’t like the fact she has a new boyfriend so soon and this has changed your opinion of her, and therefore have decided that she’s not to have visitors despite you previously saying she could. She’s done nothing wrong here.

Op, I don’t think it would be reasonable to say anything about the car either. She rents a room from you and you weren’t there. She wasn’t aware you had told the dog walker to park on the drive, so she told her visitor he could park there. You can apologise to the dog walker and say you hadn’t expected the lodger to have her friend park on the drive. That’s all really.

It may cause problems for you if you if you piss her off. She could do whatever she wants that the contract allows for the next three weeks - which could even include having her room full of people, loud music etc 7am till 11pm. What you consider polite is irrelevant unfortunately. She doesn’t have to ask to invite guests - she pays for the room and there is nothing in the contract to say she has to inform you.

For what it’s worth, if any of us had heard what you heard we’d feel violated too. But it wasn’t intended for you to hear. She probably doesn’t realise they record all the time. Be thankful this happened so close to the end of the arrangement so you don’t have to put up with it for long.

Yes, you are being unreasonable in several ways.

1.Your 'tenancy' (which isn't a tenancy) agreement says permission is only needed for stays over a week. A visitor spending an afternoon or even a night does not require your permission under that agreement. You cannot retroactively get cross with her for breaking an unestablished rule that no one unknown to you may enter.

2.You listened to private conversations through cameras in your own home and then got hurt over two throwaway jokes. The "j*zz" comment was crass, yes, but it was clearly laddish banter between two people who didn't know they'd be properly overheard. The plant comment stung, but people say things in private they'd never say to your face. You admitted you laughed it off yourself, but tbh it doesn't sound like you actually did.

3.Disclosing that cameras exist is not the same as making it acceptable to actively monitor someone's private conversations and movements. Legally and ethically, there is a meaningful difference between "the cameras are there for security" and "I sat and followed two people to two different places in my house listening to their conversation." She knew about the cameras in the abstract. She almost certainly did not consent to being surveilled in real time, having her conversations replayed, analysed, and quoted back on a public forum. If the positions were reversed, I suspect you would feel quite violated. The irony is that this is the nailed-on violation of private space in this story.

4.You also seriously entertained the idea that she and this man were a burglary team casing your house. This is a woman who has lived with you respectfully for a year, whom you let into your "inner circle," who your toddler loves. Your husband went out and introduced himself to this man of his own accord and came away fine. The man comes, picks her up, and leaves. He visited the house once while she was there. That is an entirely normal thing for a lodger's partner to do. If this is genuinely your thought pattern and not an attempt at reclaiming a narrative that wasn't going your way in the comments, it's a leap is quite significant, and worth having a think about why your mind went there imo.

She leaves in a month. The reasonable path here is to let it go, have a polite conversation about not blocking the drive (that is a fair and practical ask), and part on good terms with someone who has, by your own account, been an excellent lodger for a year.

I think taking in lodgers again would be a mistake for you. It requires a very particular mindset that not everyone naturally has, and there's no shame in that. The lodger-landlord relationship has a specific shape to it, and you invited her across that boundary with dinners together, inner circle, your toddler forming an attachment. When you blur those lines yourself, you cannot then be surprised or hurt when she behaves like a lodger rather than a trusted friend. You shaped the relationship into something more personal, and then held her to the standards of that personal relationship unfairly.

This.

OP is getting slated in the comments, but she is hardly 'listening to her every move' etc.

The tenant has every right to let someone else park in the space they are paying for. The tenancy includes off road parking, she was using it.
I rent a house that comes with a parking space, I do not ask my landlord's permission before letting someone else use it! It's mine, I'm pay for it!

You want a pal, not a lodger

For your next lodger do make sure to have some clauses relating to ‘politeness’ in your ‘tenancy agreement’. Probably a good idea to have something in there about you accidentally listening to private conversations too because of all the cameras. Then everyone is clear on what is expected and any future potential lodgers will know to run a mile.

It was very inappropriate of you to listen to their conversations. Strange behaviour on your part and crosses a line. I bet you haven’t informed her that you do this.

You're not cut out to be live-in landlords. That's ok, it wouldn't suit me either.
But you took her money and she has a reasonable expectation of privacy and ability to live in the house without you and your husband acting like overbearing parents.
Best for all of you that it is coming to an end.

Let it go. Even the parking. You'll be happier for it.

I don't understand why it was OK for her uncle and ex to come into your house but it's suddenly a safeguarding issue with the new boyfriend? Did you DBS check the other guys?

Lots of people say crass things and make off colour jokes when they are in private or with a partner. They have a reasonable expectation that they are not being monitored.

I felt a bit sorry for you with the OP because you struck me as someone who is sensitive, kind and likely misread situations.

Obviously it wasn't nice realising your tenant was mocking you. You like her and presumably she isn't so keen on you. That does sting. The jizz comment was a crass - so the guy is crass and she cares more about impressing him than maintaining a friendship with you.

However hurt feelings are yours to own. Instead of processing them and everything that goes along with them you are instead intent on finding things for her to be wrong about.

You didn't think she was a burglar.
You didn't feel scared (writing 'honestly' doesn't make it honest).
You aren't justified in your annoyance about the driveway.
You aren't entitled to be introduced to him.
She hasn't broken any rules.

I feel for you because I know it must have been a slap in the face but these things happen to us all. I have an ex friend who would always find stuff to be angry about and I finally walked away. Please stop this strategy. She hasn't done anything wrong. You were eavesdropping.

Well don’t listen to private conversations via your spy cameras then

I'm not. I said she could get creative.

As I have previously said. I would not give a crap reference in this case. It's up to the OP to decide how disrespected she feels. Each person has their own idea of manners appropriate.

In the past, over far worse things than this, when the tenant has asked for a reference, I have replied saying I am prepared to do so but on X day/time, I was aware of blah occurrence and during blah time period, this came to my attention. I would then ask if the tenant still wanted a reference.

In the event they do, I tend to give a factual reference only. The rent was paid on the nail/three days late persistently, as appropriate, the bond was not returned for this agreed reason etc. This way it is up to the new LL whether to read between the lines.

As I have stated. I have grown a thick skin over the years. What OP has encountered would probably make me laugh, given the circumstances. As a PP has stated, having a lodger is probably not for OP, plus, this person is in her own house. I would rather live in a tent in a field full of shit before I had a lodger so, as I said, OPs level of feeling disrespected needs to be taken into consideration.

I think your husband going outside and demanding to meet him is really weird tbh, does he fancy her?

No wonder she handed her notice in!

You are being very weird OP. You are not "being kept in the dark", your lodger has no obligation to update you on her love life, let alone introduce you to him. You have blurred the lodger boundaries here, she is a lodger and whilst you might be friendly, you are not her family, nor do you have any authority over her.

I don't think she has done anything too wrong, she is inviting someone over when the house is empty that's all. You've got a toddler but the strange man isn't in the house with her. She surely knows him fairly well by now. I can see if you thought of her as a friend then it would sting if she said mean things about you (although 'she kills plants' isn't awful either).

I think it's a bit late now to tell her you don't want any visitors in the house ever (and that is a pretty tough rule). I'd ride it out. If you want to discourage long visits then don't tell her when you're going to be out for a long period, or tell her you're going out but not sure for how long / you might pop back early if your toddler is tired etc and they might not come back to yours

It may well do. But he is not the tenant. It was her boyfriend who parked on their drive. And his car. Not hers.

That's far more innocuous than the comment initially suggested. It was because a potion for your plants, which presumably looked a bit like jizz was left on the side. No biggie. She's got 3 weeks left. Why would you potentially make those 3 weeks really awkward by mentioning it? It's petty and it's unlikely to happen again, as in a year, it's never happened before - the one time it has, was when you were out.

Having strangers coming into your home is always a gamble OP. Especially now you're pregnant - it's bound to be unsettling.

If she would be a dream tenant then why on earth would you suggest the OP give her anything but a good reference??

she’s leaving, you’ve made quite a bit of money

all you need to do in her final weeks is to not all go out all day, then random jizz man won’t return.

i think you should count yourself very lucky that nothing worse has happened. Taking a lodger is a big risk.

and I don’t think you should say anything to sour the relationship. Just ride it out.

You really have had the perfect lodger but somehow don't see or appreciate this fact.

Say nothing to her, let her move out on good terms and then never rent a room again!

You are being a bit weird about this sorry. You seemed to relax the rules when you became pally with her but because she’s got a new fella you don’t approve of she’s suddenly being disrespectful? Your dh introducing himself and wanting to throw her out over her remarks is massively intrusive and over the top. You sound way too over invested and have clearly blurred the boundaries between friend and lodger agreement hence all of the unnecessary emotion.

If she’s been told she’s allowed visitors she hasn’t really done anything wrong by bringing this guy back. I think you need to chill and strip it back
to a simple tenancy agreement rather than a friendship.

But your contract with any lodger should include rules around visitors. You can't assume a relationship will last, or that a single person will stay single or even if the relationship status stays the same they could bring friends or colleagues over, you need to be very clear from the start.
I've no idea why your husband thought it was necessary or appropriate to go out to meet the boyfriend. I get you are upset about the conversation but anyone could say things about us behind our backs there just isnt usually cameras (is she aware her conversations are being recorded too? Your use of cameras needs to be in your lodger contract), and I get the issue of having strangers having access to your child but you weren't home. Why wouldn't he park in the empty driveway rather than taking up a space elsewhere for hours, your contract needed to state that neither she nor visitors can use it even when u aren't home