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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there’s nothing I can do?

35 replies

naanbreadforaxel · 13/06/2026 19:29

Ex-dp has decided he wants 50/50 custody , so he doesn’t have to pay child support. Great, no problem.

he wants to start with week on/ week off, with hand over being a sunday afternoon.

now here’s the AIBU. His weeks will consist of the kids stopping with his new gf of 3 months (they don’t yet live together) and he will see them around his shift work. She will do school runs/meals/bed times he’s not there.

am I right in thinking there’s nothing I can do about this? Everyone I have spoke to have said they wouldn’t be having it or be happy about it and should put a stop to it. To me It’s not right the kids being cared for by another person if their mother is available, but that’s their fathers choice?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 13/06/2026 21:29

What was the arrangement before this new nanny with a fanny got duped?

Saturnalio · 13/06/2026 21:23

I would fight to the death on that personally tbh.. she doesn't even know them and it's literally every other week? She will have no interest or feeling for them, and it is not a feeling or security for the children to be with a virtual stranger for all that time.

Loulou4022 · 13/06/2026 21:05

Roseonthebalcony · 13/06/2026 20:42

But why would you let someone look after your kids who’s pissed off with doing it? That’s how abuse/neglect starts. Children are worth so much better.

I would hate this so much.

Show quote history

The OP doesn’t really have much choice what the dad does when he has the children as he has parental responsibility. I imagine the 3 month GF won’t be a GF very long once she realises she’s a nanny with a fanny and the dad will very quickly be wanting to rearrange things with mum.

Mingou · 13/06/2026 21:04

There's plenty you can do. You say no, and let a judge rule if you're to essentially share custody with a random stranger.

bridgetreilly · 13/06/2026 21:03

You don’t have to agree. It can go to the courts, but they need to see that you are not being unreasonable.

Roseonthebalcony · 13/06/2026 20:42

Loulou4022 · 13/06/2026 19:49

I wouldn’t make too much fuss, the new GF will get pissed off with that pretty quickly!

But why would you let someone look after your kids who’s pissed off with doing it? That’s how abuse/neglect starts. Children are worth so much better.

I would hate this so much.

Original poster
naanbreadforaxel · 13/06/2026 20:38

itsgettingweird · 13/06/2026 20:06

I guess from a technicality POV it’s not different from if he was using paid childcare whilst he worked on his 50% of time.

However I agree with where you’re coming from. If he’s just doing it because he has free childcare on the shape of a new GF and he doesn’t have to pay CM then it’s it the best arrangement .

However, you are right. There is nothing you can do and well done for being a sensible ex and sucking one shite situation for what it’s because you have no legal standing to change it.

However if you don’t have a court order and you feel a better arrangement would benefit your children there is that route to go down. I think it would be hard to win with what you’ve said here though.

It is a completely shit situation. While there are parenting and lifestyle choices ex-dp and his new gf make that i disagree with, I don’t feel my children are in danger and therefor have no standing to try change things legally. Although this arrangement has only just begun, I will let it play out for a few weeks and see how the children are getting on with it. They’re are 11 and 8, I mainly worry about my 8 year old as he is such a people pleaser and I don’t think will give an opinion either way 🙁

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 13/06/2026 20:06

I guess from a technicality POV it’s not different from if he was using paid childcare whilst he worked on his 50% of time.

However I agree with where you’re coming from. If he’s just doing it because he has free childcare on the shape of a new GF and he doesn’t have to pay CM then it’s it the best arrangement .

However, you are right. There is nothing you can do and well done for being a sensible ex and sucking one shite situation for what it’s because you have no legal standing to change it.

However if you don’t have a court order and you feel a better arrangement would benefit your children there is that route to go down. I think it would be hard to win with what you’ve said here though.

Loulou4022 · 13/06/2026 19:49

I wouldn’t make too much fuss, the new GF will get pissed off with that pretty quickly!

Octavia64 · 13/06/2026 19:32

Some co parents do agree on right of first refusal so that if dad isn’t available on his time the kids can go to mums first if she wants them and vice versa.

more often at least one parent uses grandparents and new partners for some level of childcare.

if your kids are teens or older then I’d expect their views to be (partially or fully) respected.

on a more practical level this is unlikely to work long term as new gf is likely to get fed up with it asap.

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