AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

Where did OP refer to herself as 50s?

She actually said - He's almost 40 and I am 10 years older.

It’s very very sad and YANBU to feel blindsided. The sad truth is though that anyone has the right to leave a relationship. You will grieve, but you will feel better in time

YABU for ‘stuck up here in the north’.

We aren’t lower class people 🙄

My point is more about the responses lacking any nuance

Pretending everything is fine, never discussing any issues or concerns with her at all, even booking holidays etc all while flat hunting and planning his exit in secret, and then telling her via text after 16 years is an absolutely shit way to treat someone. Implying OP is domineering and has taken advantage somehow so this poor man has done the right thing is mean, and shows sympathy to the man who isn’t even on this thread.

Don’t do anything in a hurry except change the locks on your house.

but by all means, when you feel less raw, arrange some weekends in London so you can assess how much of a friendship group you still have there and whether a move would be worth it

I'm genuinely not trying in h to be mean, scroll back, I've so much sympathy. What I don't think is helpful is to condemn someone for ending a relationship in what sounds a fairly reasonable way. Aside from the text message everything else is as straightforward as possible. Recognises he's no claim on the property on her name, organise his own accomodation immediately, came and picked up his stuff and attempted to have some kind of affectionate ending, has looked at how to keep paying his share of the costs of running the homes.

Yes it's a bit crap that he may not want to deal with her health issues etc but if that's the case what's the point of the relationship anyway? If it's over. It's over.

I'm really sorry OP. Relationships are brutal. All the men I have known have been incapable of being in it for the long haul in mind, body and spirit. I think once they have checked out, and residual feeling and care they had for you just evaporates. He might or might not have had his head turned - it makes no difference really.

And finding yourself single at our age (I'm in the same boat) is really hard.

Take a long while to care for yourself. Lean on friends. If you don't have close friends, when you're able to, get out there are make some. All women walking groups are good for this. Surround yourself with supportive women. All the best x

"I want to see what's out there" after 16 years is code for "I've been thinking about this for months and already have someone in mind." Don't wait around for him to come back.

You don’t sound sympathetic, you implied she’s domineering in the relationship and he’s done this to get out ‘safely’ and referenced impotence. You are being mean. The fact that things can be different if the sex’s are different is irrelevant to OPs situation, she’s heartbroken, and understandably so.

"I want to see what's out there" after 16 years is code for "I've been thinking about this for months and already have someone in mind." Don't wait around for him to come back.

He may or may not have anyone else - some people leave for other reasons.

But, it was shitty of him, after 16 years, to tell you by text.

Referred to herself as 50s, a 10 yr age gap and him being almost 40 so there absolutely is fudging and guesswork.

And as I've said I really sympathize with her, she must feel awful but it's can't be perfectly fine for a woman to plan and make a clean break and not ok for a man to do so.

Heartbreaking but also understandable, relationships end. Particularly when people are in different life stages completely

Exactly. OP says her gynae issues have dragged on for “years”. So, this guy may have gone without sex for most, or perhaps all of his 30s, with no end in sight. I think the majority of people, male or female, would eventually get fed up with that situation.

You don't need to guess their ages, OP has already told you.

Also it's not the other way around so stop with the whataboutery 😂

Quite frankly I dont think he wants to deal with your medical problems. A lot of men just dont.
My last husband was 11 years younger than me and dumped me in my darkest days of medical treatment after a 20 year marriage.
He also didnt care for my menopause and just left with no notice one day and didnt come back.
Women tend to go out of their way to look after a sick partner. Men dont as a rule.
Its devastating for you though.
I didnt know who Id married any more.

Why are you so confident that he's met someone else? I'm not saying he hasnt, but I do think there are other reasons people leave relationships. But every commentor is convinced.

It's terrible that he texted you and had it all planned. No wonder you're in shock. But that doesn't rewrite the whole 16 years and people change a lot over those years. From 24 to almost 40, a man can go a long time happy without wanting kids and taking life as it comes but as others have said, alarms can kick in, and the age difference would be starker with your health issues no matter how well you've kept yourself. I'm your age and god it's hard, we change so much too.

Keeping up with a younger man without marriage or kids to keep you together would always mean there is a relatively quick way out if it stopped working for one of you. The house being in your name too implies the conversations weren't had about deciding to make financial commitments together, as they weren't about how the lack of intimacy was effecting you both. You say you moved your life up north for this man, but if he was mid-20s and you mid-30s at the time, then best to own that choice as something you wanted to do rather than his fault luring you up there on any false pretences. It sounds like you've had a happy home for the most part and weathered a lot of ups and downs together. He probably still loves you but has changed and compartmentalised it as he's made this choice to go, and is still immature enough to not have told you properly.

None of this is any criticism of you or something to regret, just to show that it doesn't mean he never truly loved you or that the good times were a lie, but that all relationships have checks and balances and if they go out of balance then things can change quite fast. And if he has this specific thing about not wanting to cheat, then he'd have to end it when he realised he wanted something else. Whether there's someone else or not, you're the one that matters now and it will hurt like hell as you get past the shock and start to adjust. Look after yourself, keep eating properly if you can and get support from people in real life - and on here. The relationships board is a good place for long-term help and understanding.

We frequently advise women in domineering relationships go get their ducks in a row and just get out safely and cleanly.

In this relationship there's a 10 year age difference, let's say he's 37, they've been together since he was 21 and she was 31. I'm not sure that's going to have been a balanced dynamic is it?

If this was the other way round and a man posted 'my 37 yr old wife has left me. Just messaged me out the blue yesterday to say she had a hotel lined up and would be by to pick up her things and here's how things would be divided, everything's in my name so I concerns there but I'm so angry she's not willing to accept my impotence in my 59s' there'd be a lot of guffawing and 'the divorce came out of nowhere' jokes

He’s a coward OP. Pathetic given your history together. He made a unilateral decision to blow the relationship apart. No discussion, nothing. He’s within his rights to do this but wow, cold and heartless. A text….christ.

Concentrate on you OP. One step at a time. Tap in to your inner warrior. Concentrate on your health and your future. I’m furious on your behalf.

The grass isn’t always greener, he’ll likely find that out.

I'm sorry x

Move back to london imo and work on recovery imo

Edit, maybe theres someone else. Sounds to me that hes just grown up op, who he was at 25 will ofc be different to who he is now.

He says there’s someone else of course but is there someone wise, of course.

No one just ups and leaves a relationship with a flat ready to move into just because they’re unsure of things. There would be months of signs and conversations etc.

Being this cut throat means he’s already got his next piece already in place.

The fact that he did it through text 😮!! What an arsehole.

Well he eventually left after he stormed off during a mild disagreement. I was relieved as the separation had gone on so long.

A few weeks after he left he emailed me to say he had met someone online and had already told everyone. He sounded very pleased with himself. It didn’t last long though and ten years later he is still single 😐