AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

I would wonder what spooked / made him have this life-changing wobble. With everything you've said, it seems something happened that shook his sense of normal, whether it was a growing sense of unease or a sudden impact. It doesn't make what he did right, by any means.

You'd have to stand back and assess this situation without letting emotion get in the way. Would it help to have the conversation, with a third party / councillor in attendance, so you and he know what this is all about so you (and he...) can understand the situation and decide next steps? Or do you just want to cut ties without this?

You have to do what's right for you and to safeguard yourself. I'm sorry that this has happened, and hope you come out the other side knowing you're true to yourself and who you are. Not easy with so much that life has thrown you. Sending hugs

Sounds like he loves you and really cares for you so couldn’t face doing it face to face. I suspect the lack of sex coupled with a widening age gap ( they become greater the older you get I find) probably has turned you into more friends than lovers in his eyes and he wants some passion while he is still young. It’s always a risk when the women is older , seen it happen time and time again.

It seems on here that sympathy for a relationship break up is sometimes conditional on whether the other person was reasonable to want to leave the relationship, which is ridiculous.

A relationship break up is shit full stop, and on top of that it can sometimes be done a in an unnecessarily cruel and deceptive way, as in this case, AND at the same time it can have not been unreasonable for the other person to want to end things. Both of the first two still make the OP deserve sympathy and they're not outweighed by the third!

The OP shouldn't have to go through an interrogation about whether she tried hard enough or talked enough about their sex life before being given sympathy for what's happened.

Op my heart goes out to you - what a dreadful thing to happen

I’d say there’s another woman

The next few months will be painful but you will get through this

flats in London are very cheap now I’d move back if This is where your friends are there is so much going on it’s a great place to be single and good hospitals for your old age

I agree.

It's hard but your relationship has run its course.

At least you can now deal with your gynae issues in private, I do feel for you over those, it must be awful but it will be easier on your own- and do insist that something is done for you, even if it is a hysterectomy. You'll feel better when no longer bleeding..

Think positively. He is leaving your home, you still have it so you have choices.

When you are on the road to recovery, think seriously about whether you want to stay put or return to where you came from. Don't do anything hasty, places change so go and visit a few times.

Do you have an interesting job? That helps.

It's not easy when you have loved someone for twenty odd years; I doubt it is easy for him. However things will improve, you'll find yourself and learn to appreciate yourself again.

Good luck.

It’s likely he has hit that time in his life where he has had a oh shit moment. He realises he wants children and/or a healthy self life and with your medical issues and age that just won’t happen you.

He has clearly planned in advance if he has a rental lined up and is only in a hotel for a few days.

He has done what a lot of people are recommended to do and not let their partners know they are leaving till they can actually leave. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like fuck though.

It’s understandable he didn’t want kids in his 20s OP, many don’t, and now closer to 40 it’d make
perfect sense if he did. And by a few days ago when you raised the sex with him he will have already made his mind up and likely been waiting to sign the contract for his flat already. People change, and you need to take what this man says with a pinch of salt because he’s chosen to leave in a deceptive way.

You know maybe the dump thing is going a bit far. I’m just quite angry on the OP’s behalf. She has been truly blindsided, laughing and joking together just hours before. What a git.

He’s completely right it’s not your fault, but unfortunately it’s clearly impacted your relationship sadly.

It doesn't. However he's been totally disrespectful, he's lied, he's bind sided her. So his wishes don't matter any more.

And he's right it's not your fault. That doesn't mean it's not impacted your relationship though.

The fact that he dumped you by text shows that he's an arsehole. After 16 years together,the least he could have done was to talk to you face to face.

He’s allowed to want something different in life. Just because you have a partner doesn’t mean your bounded to them for life, especially when their ten years younger!

Yeah why not. That's what he's done with her.

You agree with the Op gathering up all his stuff and taking it to the dump?

Well obviously ignore this advice

Agree with this. Just grey rock him now.

More or less than 10 years?

Did you never speak about the lack of sex?
Did you never chat about whether he wanted children?

blindside him right back. Take his stuff to the dump. Get the house on the market and move back to your own neck of the woods, even if you have to downsize/ be further away than you’d like. Did you say you WFH, as in can you move without finding a new job?

if he turns needy and indecisive it will drag it all out, but he can’t be trusted again. Im so sorry. And it is a very cowardly way to handle it all, texting. And the pre planning too.

I'm sorry op. Sounds like you're well rid tbh. Of course he's seeing someone else. They never end things unless they are. Still he's her problem now. You'll be ok. xx

Sorry op.
he will have loved you, but people change a lot from their 20s to their 40s. The age gap would of hit him by now, my dh is seven years older than me and I can really notice it in my mid 30s especially when he can still find someone in his late 30s to have a family with, it would of been a now or never type thing.
i hope you find happiness x

So sorry.
He will have loved you but people and emotions change and his obviously have.
You’ve got to accept that this relationship is over and be prepared for a grieving process but life will get better and you can be happy again.
Imho you need a clean break from him to heal - no repeated visits to collect stuff/visit pets/guilt hugs - he’s made his choice and he’s got to get on with it - as have you.
Thank goodness you own your house - try not to give him a penny and look after yourself.
Good luck, be strong and get angry if it helps.