AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

I’m sorry op, that was
cruel of him. After 16 years you deserved much better than a text. Is there no one you can call to come be with you?

If your life in the north is really as
empty as you convey here despite living in the north for many years - move back south to be with friends and family

Moved up north to be with boyfriend
Didn’t buy with him, didn’t rent with him, bought a home in her name
Years and years passed - didn’t make a single friend or life outside of her boyfriend
Has had medical issues for years that has meant sex off the cards but seemingly very little discussion between the pair.
Years ago boyfriend said he wasn’t bothered about children. Nothing discussed since it would seem.
Loves north better than south despite having zero life outside of home and all friends and family on South

it is just a bit odd

@Blindsided2026 did he never ask to maybe have a share of the property after years of living there with you? Did he pay rent?

First of all OP, you sound like a strong and responsible woman. Look after yourself. Look at moving back to London, at areas you might not be familiar with. In London and the SE property prices have fallen in the last year, but risen in most of the North, so you might have more options than you think.

He doesn't need to have met someone else to have decided that the relationship is over. It sounds like he didn't ever want to discuss difficult things with you. Emotional immaturity maybe? It's irrelevant really; dissecting his reasons and methods will not help you rebuild your life. Ending it by text does sound cowardly, but honestly, was there any way for him to end it which you would have been happy with? For most of us, if we don't want to hear the news, there's no format that makes it palatable.

When my relationship ended, a friend who'd been in a similar situation said - ten good years is more than many people get. When the dust had settled, she was able to look back and be glad for the good relationship they'd had, before it ran its course. Please don't let your feelings of loss and abandonment now devalue the good years you had. That was real, and that was your life. It is not a crime for people to change or for their feelings to change, but my goodness, it can hurt.

What doesn't make sense?

I’m so sorry for you @Blindsided2026

You’ve been given some good advice on your thread, I don’t have much to add. Similar happened to me twenty five years ago, but we were married with three teenagers.

What I will say is: he was cowardly to send the text. A real man would do this face to face. Also, there probably is another woman, who he will miraculously ‘Meet’ in the next few months. Like my solicitor said when I issued divorce proceedings, “men don’t leave a wife, kids and a home to go and eat pot noodles in a bedsit, there’s someone else, she’ll crawl out of the woodwork within six months “ solicitor was right.

Well done being strong and independent enough to say you’ll never have him back. You’re stronger than you feel right now.

Focus on yourself, remember, you’re playing catch up, he’s had this mapped out for months. Probably why he’s seemed so happy recently, he’s seen his exit.

Can you take some leave and visit relatives in London? Get a friend or dog sitter to move in and look after the animals?

I was about your age when the wheels fell off. I’m happier now than I ever dreamt possible. You will be too. So take care, look after yourself and keep posting if it helps. So many of us have been in your shoes, we get it.

10 years and 11 months ago I was in a similar place. Absolutely blind-sided by my boyfriend of 15 years. I also wfh and was left in the home we'd bought together. He swore there was nobody else, but there was in fact someone at work and they had their eyes on each other. I think he finished me so that he was free to pursue a new relationship. Unfortunately, him being free and single and living in a bedsit wasn't such an attractive prospect to her as he'd been before.

I was devastated. Didn't see it coming. We also had a holiday booked (about 2 weeks later I think!). We'd had sex the night before.

It was the toughest time I've ever been through, but it did turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I got a brand new social life (a friend told me to say "yes" to every invitation which I pretty much did, with some notable exceptions). I swore off men but by the New Year I'd accidentally met someone gorgeous and we're still together now.

I promise you, you will get through this and one day be happier and more content than you've ever felt.

Go back down south if you can - doesn't have to be London, just somewhere you can visit London more easily.

I'm a southerner in northern exile too, and while I do like it up here, I'm sick of the shite weather and I miss my family - I think you'd feel better if you could be nearer your network.

100% spot on

Something isn’t quite making sense here

Could it be that he is having an affair with a work colleague, and today they have said something that has encouraged him to leave? Seems steange he was happy before going to work

Some good points here that might not cut through now but might signal the way to a happier future in which you look back and see the sense in this shift now, as things will be better for you. It says a lot that you're happier at the London office and your friends/network are still in London. No doubt you can't take that in now, but something to consider when the initial shock wears off and you take control.

A man (or woman) who has been a sexless relationship for many years may think its health leaves something to be desired.

Sorry but he's got someone else or has his head has been turned.

I'm not saying that rules out all the other things people have mentioned but the speed of this, the need to stay in a hotel room, something has happened.

If it was ending for other reasons he'd have waited til the rental was ready at least. This is someone with an ultimatum elsewhere.

And the talk of dating is to cover it up.

I think you'd be better to prepare yourself for it. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You sound strong and you'll come out the other side but give yourself time. Let yourself have time to cry but then try and book something in to visit a friend. Give yourself something else to focus on or take you out of the hole you are bound to be in right now xx

Its all very strange. Whatever his reasons he has obviously been planning/ thinking for a while. It seems like his mind is made up. Very unfair to you though as a healthy relationship should allow for discussion around issues and hooefully the potential to solve them.

I would take some time to process for yourself, it must be such a shock. I think the reasons will come out in the long run. You sound very independant, which is a huge plus right now. Be kind to yourself, you didn't deserve this xx

Break ups are always hard. Talking about it for weeks doesn’t make it any better. I’ve always been shit at break ups. The first one I ever did was dragged out and I ended up back with him because of the endless begging. Big mistake. Clean breaks are better even if it’s a shock for the one being left. Personally I admire anyone who can do it. Who knows why OP. Other than what he’s told you.

I’d also point you to the statistics of men who stay with women with a poor diagnosis versus t’other way round.

So sorry to hear that and I agree it must be hard to accept as it is just a shocking news with no red flags to even expect it.

Now what to do next in the first few days is to accept he didn't act with respect.
No respect for you.
It helps empowering yourself, because the first thing many women do is to blame themselves for not seeing.

But no, he acted like everything was fine, and honestly, only to his advantage, so he can avoid any hustle and leave all the negativity on you.

No one deserves to be left unexpectedly, a respectful adult would start discussing how unsatisfied he is, cry together, try a way to fix before packing away and even take that kind of distance. Even in jobs you get fired with a notice because you need to prepare for a change.

Please tell yourself " I'm not a loser and people owe me respect". Please convince yourself. It's a good place to start.

Now, regarding this extreme behaviour, I suspect he wants to start a new relationship and this is possibly a way to be "honest" he has chosen; rather than cheat on you, leaving straight away so technically it's not cheating.

Nevertheless, you'd deserve at least an adult conversation rather than this traumatic behaviour, where he avoids taking a mature stand on a difficult situation.

However, no matter what he does, he's cheated on you in a way, as he should have taken responsibility for this change and all the implications.

Just another note, a decent man won't leave because you can't have sex, possibly you don't know him enough, and it's certainly not your fault.

Please acknowledge he acted as a coward, with huge disrespect, maybe a first step to honour your life.

I'll send you a prayer and I apologise if I offended you, I'm trying to make you feel you are important ♥️♥️🙏

Sadly they’re all usually adamant there’s no-one else. My experience was the same. No-one else til there was. He wheeled her out as a new GF three months after the split, when the reality was she’d always been there. They don’t want friends and family to see them as the bad guy. They want to control the narrative.

Random thoughts that come to mind…

You prefer living where you are up North and yet you do not have any friends. Any - at all….. why? Clearly you are capable of maintaining friendships, given that you still maintain relationships with friends in London.

Your life seems to consist of working from home, taking care of your medical issues, looking after the pets, running, shopping and beauty treatments. Clearly you have a lot on your plate, but where is the fun, the things that give you joy?

You work 11 hours a day but only just manage to pay your bills. Are you sure your employer is paying you the going rate?

I live in an ex-Council flat in a very nice part of London. Worth probably a similar amount as your house up North. I’m close to lovely Commons, parks and the river. And the tube and buses - don’t need or want a car. I can get to museums, theatres and fancy shops in 30-50 minutes.

In your shoes I’d move back. A new start - plus your friends, access to the best teaching hospitals in the UK, so much to do……. take your mind off the shit that life has thrown at you.

Not a man in history who left a healthy relationship to be alone.

You've had an enormous shock and will feel like this for some time. My only advice would be not to try and understand why he's done this, don't spend days/weeks/months trying to figure it out why because chances are that you never will. Take your time, grieve what you've lost and then when you're ready, face the future. It may be a different future to the one you saw, but it's still there waiting to be lived.

You need to give yourself time. He’s clearly had time to think things through and you haven’t. Sit and think about what you want.

This happened to me too seemingly out of the blue.

There was someone else.

It was an absolutely horrendous time of my life and it took me a long time to get over it.

Huge hugs.

To make himself feel better!!!

She's asking if it's more than 10 years? I'd also add was he under 25 when you got together? Because a 34 yr old with a 20 yr old is a huge gap while a 25 yr old with a 33 yr old is reasonable gap. While he was only just an adult that difference between an 8 yr difference and a 12 yr difference is huge.

He grew up more or less IN your relationship which is fine if you both do but different when you're 10 yr more grown up already.

Wow. That is cold. He’d been sorting out the rental so he’s been planing this. What a see you next Tuesday.

He has zero empathy. He does not respect or care about you.

Im so sorry.

But now you know what he really is.

You have a shit year ahead of you but you will heal and you are better off without someone like this.

Look after yourself physically as much as you can so you can heal. Eat regularly and drink water. Try to get out in nature. Take comfort in your wits. And don’t let him
Have any of them!!