AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

This happened to four of my close friends, genuinely. They reached middle age and their husbands announced, out of the blue, they were leaving. The women had no idea. The men had all made preparations. Three of the women had kids, one didn't, all had been married between 15 and 25 years. There was various fallout, with finance, kids and moving. Some of the men were better than others at trying to keep supporting the women / kids but ALL of them had met someone else - because they'd been open to meeting someone else.

All those women went on to make new lives for themselves, and their kids have appreciated them. The women got new jobs or new qualifications or moved towns, got great social lives and all of them would now look back and say they are free of grief, no longer think about their exes really, and are a world away from that initial raw shock. Interestingly, they've all remained (happily) single.

You can get through this and you will, it will just take quite a bit of time. 1-2 years I would think. you have dogs and cats and they are better than having him.

It sounds like he may have someone else. But that’s by the by really. He’s treated you absolutely appallingly and shown what an awful selfish twat he is by wanting a hug whilst leaving you.

Keep going and you will get through.

When you say lack of sex, how little and for how long are we talking? I do wonder if you’ve buried your head in the sand about the issue a little bit? Is it all sex or do you still do other things?

Bleeding constantly is a really hard thing to move through imo. You have to put the effort into the intimacy in other ways. My endometriosis completely killed my relationship dead in the water with my ex.

I don’t think he ever thought he could bring it up properly to me because it was part of an illness. We only talked about it if I brought it up to him- and it was only then when reading in between the lines I realised how unhappy he was. I became my condition to him.

He is within his right to leave for any reason he wants but the way he’s gone about this is completely cruel.

Well you're right to let him go.

He must mind VERY much about the lack of sex.
He has told you that he wants to sow his wild oats.
He has told you that he thinks you have been together too long.

He's free now to pursue 30 year old women, which is what he wants.
He wants younger women.

All this is why I would never, ever date a guy 10 years younger than me.

No one will ever convince me that the vast majority of younger men don't see older women as something to practice sex on.

He's of course allowed to end the relationship if he's unhappy but the way that he's done it is thoughtless and cruel. I'd put money on him having had his head turned, as they say.

OP I know you're reeling and hurting, give yourself time. You don't want to hang onto a relationship with someone who doesn't want it. You are better off single and you will get over this and be happy again.

Maybe now is the time to think about making some connections and taking up a hobby or exercise class, getting out and meeting some new people, making friends. Not immediately but something to think about in the near future. Working from home can be lonely and there's a whole world of social activities out there for you to get involved in. You sound smart, kind and like you have a lot to offer. You can make your life whatever you want it to be 💐

You are right to feel blindsided and he was right to leave a relationship he wasn't happy in but he went about it in a really shitty way. My guess is he has been secretly unhappy probably for years and is also having a mid life crisis too. But the lack of intimacy is probably the deal breaker. It's not your fault at all. He's a coward for not bringing it up and trying to work on it.

No one would accuse a woman of not loving her partner, and having no respect for him, if he was unable to give her children and she left him for someone who could.

I'd judge that. Not so much if he didn't want them, but if he also did and couldn't, and she left him, I'd question if she actually loved him.

After 16 years together he ends the relationship via TEXT ??!!
this is just so cowardly and disrespectful.

I’m devastated for you. For me it’s the deceit, telling you he loves you but already having sorted out a flat. Telling you it’s over and thinking he can pop by to get more stuff. He’s abusing your niceness to make himself feel like this was an amicable split and you’re still friends. I suspect he loves you but is not in love with you and this is about intimacy. I’m so sorry, stay strong. Sooner or later the truth will come out here.

OP says years, but is cagey about how long exactly, so a decade probably isn’t that far off the mark. It doesn’t matter that it’s not her fault. Most healthy men would not want to remain celibate for most of their 30s, and perhaps remain so well into their 40s and beyond, particularly if they are in a relationship. It’s not fair to say that he doesn’t love her. Perhaps he wants children in addition to sex. No one would accuse a woman of not loving her partner, and having no respect for him, if he was unable to give her children and she left him for someone who could.

And he has a mobile phone and can communicate via text. The man is a coward.

A decade? Where did you get that from? Maybe..
Anyway, it's his right to leave a relationship for whatever reason he wants. I asked the OP not to blame herself, for being sick because it's not her fault if this was the reason.

And if he has never spoken to her about this like the OP said and she said she tried her best in that department then what more could she do? And no, I don't think he would've loved her for her if he leaves solely on the lack of sex. There are other ways to keep people happy in the bedroom... but then I don't think he had any respect for her either, who ends things by text?

Why are people minimising the awful, deceitful way he's ended things? Organising a flat while letting her pay for an upcoming holiday?! That's shocking behaviour.
And ending 16 years by fucking TEXT?!

Theres an active thread on here at the moment where someone is questioning leaving their husband who’s a good dad and man.. most reply’s are ‘leave’ you see how different this is when a man has left ‘he’s had his head turned’ … I know this happens a lot on here but there isn’t always another women is there?

maybe he’s going through some kind of mid life crisis, mental health, the list is endless.

Sure he’s a dick for ending things this way, but it’s unfair to put the idea of another woman into the OP’s head.

OP you will get through this, I promise you that x

The weekend always shows MN at its worse 😐

Within reason, sure. But this 40 year old man has had no sex with his girlfriend for maybe a decade. For all he knows, it might be another decade, or it may never happen again. Would some people accept this? Of course. Is he unreasonable to cut his losses and find a sexually fulfilling relationship, while he’s still relatively young and attractive? Absolutely not.

he’s been out and about with people
much more likely affair than he’s just changed his mind
meanwhile op at home, working all day, alone, with no life beyond him

Not married
don’t own home a together
more than 10 years younger

I’m sorry. Echoing others he has met someone else and played along as if life was normal. Or he’s lost his mind. You’ll be okay. 🥹 you’re 50 not 80.

Because she was having ongoing treatment. In sickness and in health yeah? Yep, not married but same concept, if you truly love someone you support them through hard times, you don't fuck off because can't get end away for a while. Sex is one part of a relationship.

So many dickheads on here. 🤣 OP you will be ok. Not now, but soon. Let him go. Tell people. Be gentle with yourself. 💐

Obv not as she and the dogs wave him off to work. What's the relevance?

@Blindsided2026
Look, I had a similar thing happened to me 6 years ago (he was 10 years older though)..... totally blindsided when he announced he didn't love me anymore 💔 and moved out.... there was no other woman, he was just a selfish prick, who put himself first, despite us being married.

You sound like you have your shit sorted, so chuffed the house is yours- his reward for not marrying you 💪👍
Get angry.....it took me a loooong time , I was sympathetic to him at first.... all these years on I realise what a selfish prick he is ....

Good luck....you sound like a decent strong woman- start being selfish- 100000% put yourself FIRST.....once you get used it, it's rather liberating x

You wfh from home exclusive but
I will guess he definitely didn’t?

Definitely another woman, it will all come out in the end,obvs just wants a shag,because of your gyny problems, not that is in anyway your fault and a pathetic reason from him.but that will be top and bottom of it. Big hugs