AIBU to consider cutting contact with my difficult elderly mother?

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Your DM should claim this
It is not means tested
She can use it to pay for anything to make her life easier

Attendance allowance

If you want to keep contact I’d start with your boundaries. What’s she expects vs what you’re prepared to do. If she asks you a question by text you know will lead to her being nasty don’t reply until later. If you starts telling you you’re cruel etc don’t respond. Cut off the oxygen and deal with your feelings. She knows she gets to you it’s a chink in your armour and she’ll use that at every opportunity.

Would you have a friend like your mum? Just because she’s your mum doesn’t mean you have to put up with any kind of abuse. Draw your line in the sand and look after your own wellbeing.

You ALL need to block her number. Have it so that she can only ring, and only ring YOU. And if she rings and starts with the nastyness, cut her off by talking over her: "No mum you're not allowed to talk to me or my family like that any more. We can talk when you're willing to behave nicely (CLICK)." Don't get drawn into it, just state that you're not willing to listen to her being nasty and hang up immediately. Do it EVERY time it happens. If it happens in the middle of a meal out with her, get up and leave her there.

Tell your sister to stop passing on the bitchy dramatic comments, and if she doesn't then she gets blocked too. Include social media and keep just one line of communication available, (e.g. phone from a landline) with the proviso that they bloody well behave themselves or that gets blocked to. And follow through.

It sounds like you would benefit from stronger boundaries, if she's getting the opportunity to revert to her usual self.

"I said I wouldn't spend time with you if you are nasty to me. You've just been nasty to me so I'm going home now. Goodbye."

"Don't pick a fight with me over text."
"You've just picked a fight with me over text, so I'm blocking your mobile phone number now."

"Yes we can go out for lunch together, providing that you pay for your own.
(My friends say you're mean...)
"I don't care mum. We can go for lunch if you'll pay your way. If not, then I am not going to pay for you."

I've told your sister and she thinks you're mean
"I don't care. This is what I'm willing to do/what I'm not willing to accept. Take or leave it."

It’s very hard with ageing parents and I understand your reluctance to go completely non contact. Going forward don’t engage with the messages. Reply to the first one with “I’m sorry you feel this way “ and then ignore any further messages and put her on mute. If you don’t engage there is no fuel to feed her aggression and she can’t argue with silence beyond complaining. Unfortunately by trying to defend yourself / justify yourself you are giving her an angle to come back to you and feeding her nastiness. Drop the taking her out / lunching and shopping for a while and consider muting / blocking her number on your DC phones so they can’t be dragged into the arguments and perceived slights. Nothing you can say to her is going to change her behaviour but you can change how you respond to her.

I can see how that would make you despair, but could you go in hard with it again the minute she starts on you and cut off contact for a while? And only when it suits you, contact her and remind her of your expectations?

Again, I am reminded of dealing with DC. I have had to remove mobile phones more than once, unfortunately. Some lessons seem to take several goes to learn.

Well if you can't quite face cutting her off all in one go, repeat the ultimatum, and when she does revert back then just say "I said I would not tolerate this kind of relationship and I meant it", blank her, mute her, and grey rock ("I have explained why") on repeat.

Basically it's in her ha ds whether she cuts herself off or not..it is 100% reasonable to refuse to be treated this way. She knows perfectly well how to behave if she wants you in her life. Just be consistent clear and unmoving. And let her choose.

Why on earth would you spend any of the festive period with her.

Could you basically issue her with an ultimatum?

’Any more of this unpleasantness where you call me X, Y and Z and claim I never do [whatever] and that will be the end of our relationship.’

‘I am not spending Christmas with someone who talks about me like this.’

Something along those lines? I’m thinking in terms of how we can deal with badly behaved DC.

You can set out your expectations of what your relationship should look like. If she kicks off, I would tell her that she is choosing not to have a respectful relationship with me and I will entertain no other kind of relationship.

OP, don’t factor any possible inheritance into your responses. It will probably all go on care home fees as you won’t be looking after her when she can’t look after herself.

Well holidays can be managed by telling her you are on a digital detox and archiving her messages/ ignoring her calls. Your sister can pick up any urgent issues.

The rest is difficult but she won’t change so resetting your own boundaries is unfortunately your only option if you want some peace.

"i cannot see a way out of this."
Gently; yes, you can. "My husband and dc do see it and encourage me to distance." Take their advice.

She has her boyfriend, and she has your sibling, and she has the friends who tell her you're horrible. She'll be fine. It's time to prioritise yourself and your health. Her behaviour is "starting to make [you] feel very depressed" so stop doing this to yourself.

And - maybe ask yourself why you've put up with this so long. I suspect your inner child is screaming for her to behave like a 'proper' mother and to love you. But she's not a proper mother, she's a bit of a cunt.

It goes back to that phrase, 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. You've always been the dutiful daughter and it has always got you abuse. It's time to stop trying, she will never behave as you yearn for her to behave, she will just pile more abuse upon abuse. It's not you, it's her - you have done nothing wrong, she is just twisted beyond humanity. Protect yourself and let go of this relationship, it's only ever going to hurt you.

((hug))

I like the idea of the stock phrases already suggested. A variation of one particular one could be "our recollections appear to differ".

Definitely have a set of stock phrases to use.

Stop paying for things. Look up grey rocking. Any time she says hurtful things or is abusive, end the call or the messaging or physically leave.

I would try reducing contact before going no contact. But you need to put aome boundaries in place if only as an example to your children. Otherwise you are teaching them to accept abuse from others. Work out how often you are willing to be available to do things and then stick to it. You can always change/reduce it at a future point.

Are you the same poster who managed to take their mum out for an expensive mother's day weekend last year but couldnt afford to do the same this year and the mum threw a tantrum about it? If so, im so sorry you are still dealing with this.
I agree with stock phrases!
Except I would include the phrase:
'Well actually mum, MY friends think its really awful you expect me to pay for everything, as their mums are always treating them even though they are just on state pension too'
She's making shit up so play her at her own game. She might get the hint...

My mum was similar in some ways. Our last ever text exchange was her telling me what a shit daughter I was and me replying telling her she had exactly the daughter she deserved. That was it. I dropped everything. No contact at all.
Everyone told me I'd regret it. She died around 4 years later, very suddenly. I still to this day don't regret the no contact. She believed to her dying day I was an unreasonable bitch and it was all my fault. Women like this have no concept that there is any fault at all with them, I tried explaining, arguing, telling her how I couldn't do everything she wanted. She was never sadly going to be the mum I wanted or needed and in return I stopped jumping through hoops to try and prove myself and help.

You can just step away. Block her and move on with your life. It's hard, I'm not going to pretend it isn't, but you're hoping for a reasonable and loving mum like you see others have and that won't ever happen.

I hope you find a way through that makes you happy.

This is excellent advice

Stop going to see her.
Change your phone number.
You do not have to do anything you don't want to do, and your sister has the right idea.

"She had a very difficult relationship with my Dad always arguing."

So was the way she is behaving towards you her MO with your DF aswell? Is that behaviour why your sibling bailed?

If you don't want to go full NC I would say you cannot flip a switch and change her but you can change how, and how much, you respond and engage. I like the phrase from a PP "I don't recognise that version of events" use it face to face or in texts.

Disengage to a more comfortable level - be less available, shorter on time when you are with her and cut dead any texting nonsense. Go to cheaper eateries - if she complains say "it's being together that counts isn't it?" or cut out stuff like that completely, be too busy for more than a quick cuppa at hers once a fortnight - two/three hours a month total. Good luck.

She had money, she spent it all.
She lives in a mortgage and rent free house.
She gets the State Pension.
My sympathies are limited-she just needs to accept that this is the life she has chosen.
I wouldn't engage with the manipulation, just repeat, "Well, it's a shame you spent all the money you were left, thank goodness for the state pension."

She sounds awful and you won't win with her but at her age i think i could just about tolerate every 3 months.
Sounds harsh i know but the possibility of losing out on a potential inheritance may just be enough to grit your teeth .
I would think about learning some coping methods .
That said i don't think you owe her anything and you are justified in cutting her off.
It doesn't matter what she tells anyone , lots of people will see right through someone like her anyway, the people that know you know the truth of the situation and that's all that matters.