AIBU to consider cutting contact with my difficult elderly mother?

My mum is similar - dad left her about 30 years ago. For the first 5 years, all her bitterness was targeted at him. Now it's all focused on me. My mum also lives 5 minutes away which makes it a bit easier as I can see her for very short amounts of time.
She can't tolerate any event where I am the centre of attention (things like my wedding, birthdays, any success) - she has to insert herself and make it about her. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness. Her first response wasn't to ask how I was, but to lecture me on how my illness was affecting her and what I should be doing differently to make her life easier.
I tried many times to talk to her about the impact of her behaviour, but she won't listen. She's not interested.

I am now LC and gray rock. Covid was a game changer as contact was reduced, and I made sure it never restarted.
What I learned was it doesn't matter what I do, she will always be unhappy with me. So I might as well do what I want as the outcome will be the same.

OP, I could have written everything you have with the exception that I still have my Father. I totally understand your sadness, anger and mixed feelings towards your Mother. I feel very conflicted with how I feel about my Mother, I'm 63 now and only very recently have I made the decision to distance myself from her somewhat.

Only last week I walked out of a pub when she began some of her antics, simply stood up and said 'I'm not doing this today' and left. I've had radio silence since (bliss).

I know they will be in touch soon because they need my help with somethings, I will continue the help because I feel that my sense of humanity is strong enough to see me through and I want and like the relationship I have with my Father which is important to me.

I will stand my ground though, I'm just not taking anymore of her nasty shit and that is final.

I wish you much love and understanding, protect your children from the poison and take care of yourself. Remember that this won't go on forever and do what will give you peace when she is finally gone.

This is awful. It goes far, far beyond her being disagreeable or irritating. I don’t really know how to approach “cutting contact” but I honestly think you need to move in that direction. She is causing you a lot of unhappiness

I’m currently stuck in a similar cycle with my mother albeit the dynamic is different (golden child/scapegoat - I’m the latter). Now they seem intent on drawing our children into the same tradition but that’s where I draw the line.

The most recent snub by them was over a week ago now. No phone calls. No apology. We’re expected to just absorb it and pretend the situation is normal.

As regards expecting you to spend money on her, we’ve spent an awful lot on taking them out and hosting at Christmas etc but that was our choice - I can’t complain about that. My problem is that they can be nice sometimes, and it lulls you into a false sense of security then they do something shitty again. These incidents generally appear to be engineered by my brother to a large extent. They’re are coming up around every three months now - usually coinciding with a family event - and I’m sick and tired of it.

I’ve decided to match their energy. They come to our home town and don’t bother visiting - they came at Christmas last year and that was it. So no more initiating anything. No more phone calls and visits that only ever go one way.

I know how hurtful it is and I’m sorry that’s happening to you. I have to figure out a way to not let it get to me so much. I think that’s starts with accepting they were both pretty awful parents, now seem intent on being awful grandparents and I don’t need and will never get their approval. We can’t keep having this routine every couple of months. My children don’t gain anything through their relationship with them - it’s all rapidly becoming hugely detrimental so it has to end now.

Good luck to GB as their care needs increase is all I can say. He has had the perk of living rent free with them for decades. He’ll also have to step up to the responsibilities.

I’m not the kind of person who could easily ditch someone, let alone a close relative.
But bloody hell, OP, your mother is awful and I wouldn’t blame you one bit!
96% YANBU says it all.
So sorry

You need to have a calm, frank talk with her.

When you have another sibling who is the golden princess nothing you do will ever be enough. You could bring her the moon and he stars in your hand and lay them before her but it would not matter. I speak from personal experience and learned to distance myself from my family. When I decided to go to uni mid life I made sure it was in another city and I never returned. Fortunately there were no smart phones then, only landlines. Numbers can be blocked.

You should put your mental health first OP. She sounds impossible. Your DH and DC agree. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I had similar and sympathise.

Change your number. Screen your calls if you have a landline. If she comes round don't open the door. Don't engage. There is no positive outcome and deep down you know it. Your sister will either step up or she won't. Your mum has made her bed and now she has to lie in it.
Just stop engaging, the longer you can hold out the easier it will be and eventually you will realise you haven't thought about her in days or weeks.

Move away, go low contact and reclaim your life. What are you getting out of this? No use setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm who doesn't give a crap about you.

She sounds awful, OP, and nothing you have tried so far has worked.

I'd go no contact - block her number, don't let her in your house. She is extremely abusive and there's nothing positive in the relationship. I'm sorry - it must be so hard, but you have your own family who love and care for you. Let them be your support now.

You respond, ans she gets her emotional supply. Your sister probably doesn't, hence she solicits her attention with nice things.

You keep doing everything for her when she treats you appallingly. Maybe she doesn't think she would get away with that with your DSis.
Maybe she does have dementia. But you said she didn't treat your dad well, so it does sound like she is an unkind person who likes an emotional punchbag.

I think I understand how you feel. She sounds like my mother.

It took me nearly forty years to realise I was wasting my time and feeling like shit trying to please her, because she was determined not to be pleased. She wanted me to feel like I wasn't good enough, because she wanted me to keep trying harder and harder without her having to show any gratitude or acknowledgement of my efforts.

Eventually, ten years ago, I decided to stop trying. Our relationship didn't get better, but it didn't get worse either. She tried to guilt-trip me because I wasn't at her beck and call any more, but eventually she realised it wasn't working and she gave up.

I see her once or twice a year now and our meetings are a lot easier, because she knows as soon as she calls me a "selfish bitch", or an "ungrateful cow", I will walk out and she won't see or hear from me for another six months.

Block her. Seriously, your like will become so much easier.

BTW you have said you do things, like telling her if this all continues you will break ties with her, but then says it only last 2 months and she's back to treating you like shit - its at this point you should be blocking her.

With all the history, and how she was with your dad, it does sound like narcissism. I have seen / heard very similar with others. Have you thought about getting counselling for yourself?

Honestly block her. You ate under absolutely no obligation to accept this kind of treatment. She needs a restraining order, it's harassment.

I got a mental health diagnosis of my mother by proxy as she refused to go anywhere near doctor.
A lot of what you describe is what she did. Dementia.
Ironically I was offered a course of counselling myself that I gratefully accepted

Op, she's clearly nasty, entitled and possibly high in narcissistic traits but she's in her 80s so the chances of her turning over a new leaf are slim to none. You can't control her behaviour but you can change your reaction to it. For starters, you need to put rigidly enforced boundaries in place. When she starts verbally abusing you, hang up the 'phone immediately or don't reply to her texts. Don't engage. You're not her verbal punchbag and you don't owe her an explanation. Go no contact for X number of days as a consequence of her behaviour.

Keep your birthday/other plans to yourself. If she asks what your plans are just say you've not decided yet or you just fancy a quiet night in. Present your life as dull and boring. Don't give her ammunition.

She's your mother and she's elderly but this doesn't mean you have to tolerate her crappy behaviour. Blood isn't always thicker than water. Listen to your DH and your children and put your mental health and your happiness first. She has a boyfriend and friends to take her shopping and have meals with.

As for your sister, your mother is triangulating. Don't engage with the 'flying monkeys' she sends in your direction to do her dirty work for her.

Agree with this 100%
This is emotional abuse.