I have written on here before but in a different name.
I have a very challenging relationship with my mother. She is in her 80’s.
I am in my 50’s am happily married with 2 adult dc in early twenties still living at home. I work full time in a very stressful but rewarding job in children’s Social care.
She was widowed over 10 years ago and was left a good inheritance as well as house paid off but no private pension. She had spent all of her inheritance in 4 years. So now lives off basic pension. She had a very difficult relationship with my Dad always arguing.
The thing is I now seem to have replaced him in terms of her expectations to keep her entertained and also to some extent financially. She expects me to constantly take her out for meals or shopping when I have very little time to myself. I am expected to pay for it all.
She seems to resent my happiness and success (I have done well in job but also financially we are not rich but fairly comfortable). I’ve worked hard to get where we are as a family.
Every few months she will do something to provoke a disagreement and this is always via messages. It will start with some sort of accusation. Eg if me and husband are going out for a meal for birthday she will ask why she is not coming and when I provide a reason then call me a liar. Insults and accusations of neglecting her then follow. I have done a lot for her in the past but if I say what I’ve done in defence of accusations she will say that’s just what daughters do.
When I try to explain reasons for things her name calling and insults escalate. She will say I am unlovable, cruel, neglectful, a selfish sod.
Eventually after about 4 weeks of this she will come round my house ask if we can be friends but refuse to talk about what happened. She is unable to talk about any disagreement in an adult way if I say we need to talk about it she will say can we not but if we did she will go hysterical and storm off. It will always be my fault. I provoked her.
The thing is each time it gets worse.
And it a never ending cycle. Each time more damage is done as I then feel resentful spending any time with her as I know it will lead to accusations of neglecting her in her old age when the disagreement happen. Nothing I do is ever enough.
Example I recently took her out for shopping and food and spent £50 on her and during one of her recent episodes she focused on the fact that whilst I bought her coffee and cake we shared a sandwich as I don’t each much at lunchtime and neither does she but she said she told her friends and they laughed at the sandwich. She will never pay towards anything she expects me to pay for any meals out etc which I don’t mind but then I’m accused of doing nothing after.
I feel she is cruel, unkind and never acknowledges any good I do.
When I pull back she says I’m a cruel, neglectful daughter and all her friends think I’m horrible.
My husband and dc do see it and encourage me to distance.
I know I now have 2 options to completely cut all contact or stay in contact and have this every 3 months. The thing is she is in her 80’s and whilst she is still fit and healthy (she has a boyfriend and goes out several times a week) but I do worry about her.
I see no end to it that way though as she never acknowledges her treatment of me. I’ve made her that way according to her.
I am at a loss what to do because the impact each time is worse and it’s starting to make me feel very depressed.
i do have a sibling who moved many hours away does very little fur her yet she constantly gushes about her to me.
i cannot see a way out of this.