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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to consider cutting contact with my difficult elderly mother?

139 replies

Tiggermad · 13/06/2026 13:16

I have written on here before but in a different name.
I have a very challenging relationship with my mother. She is in her 80’s.
I am in my 50’s am happily married with 2 adult dc in early twenties still living at home. I work full time in a very stressful but rewarding job in children’s Social care.
She was widowed over 10 years ago and was left a good inheritance as well as house paid off but no private pension. She had spent all of her inheritance in 4 years. So now lives off basic pension. She had a very difficult relationship with my Dad always arguing.
The thing is I now seem to have replaced him in terms of her expectations to keep her entertained and also to some extent financially. She expects me to constantly take her out for meals or shopping when I have very little time to myself. I am expected to pay for it all.
She seems to resent my happiness and success (I have done well in job but also financially we are not rich but fairly comfortable). I’ve worked hard to get where we are as a family.
Every few months she will do something to provoke a disagreement and this is always via messages. It will start with some sort of accusation. Eg if me and husband are going out for a meal for birthday she will ask why she is not coming and when I provide a reason then call me a liar. Insults and accusations of neglecting her then follow. I have done a lot for her in the past but if I say what I’ve done in defence of accusations she will say that’s just what daughters do.
When I try to explain reasons for things her name calling and insults escalate. She will say I am unlovable, cruel, neglectful, a selfish sod.
Eventually after about 4 weeks of this she will come round my house ask if we can be friends but refuse to talk about what happened. She is unable to talk about any disagreement in an adult way if I say we need to talk about it she will say can we not but if we did she will go hysterical and storm off. It will always be my fault. I provoked her.
The thing is each time it gets worse.
And it a never ending cycle. Each time more damage is done as I then feel resentful spending any time with her as I know it will lead to accusations of neglecting her in her old age when the disagreement happen. Nothing I do is ever enough.
Example I recently took her out for shopping and food and spent £50 on her and during one of her recent episodes she focused on the fact that whilst I bought her coffee and cake we shared a sandwich as I don’t each much at lunchtime and neither does she but she said she told her friends and they laughed at the sandwich. She will never pay towards anything she expects me to pay for any meals out etc which I don’t mind but then I’m accused of doing nothing after.
I feel she is cruel, unkind and never acknowledges any good I do.
When I pull back she says I’m a cruel, neglectful daughter and all her friends think I’m horrible.
My husband and dc do see it and encourage me to distance.
I know I now have 2 options to completely cut all contact or stay in contact and have this every 3 months. The thing is she is in her 80’s and whilst she is still fit and healthy (she has a boyfriend and goes out several times a week) but I do worry about her.
I see no end to it that way though as she never acknowledges her treatment of me. I’ve made her that way according to her.
I am at a loss what to do because the impact each time is worse and it’s starting to make me feel very depressed.
i do have a sibling who moved many hours away does very little fur her yet she constantly gushes about her to me.
i cannot see a way out of this.

OP posts:
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DancingLions · 30/06/2026 21:15

I won't go into my own story but suffice to say, I understand how you feel OP.

I'm in my 50s and my mother is nearly 80. I've been seriously ill (but doing better now) and she is still full of life! I thought I could hang on until she passes until I realised I could go before her. That really focused my mind.

I want some years of peace before I go. I can't wait any longer, as awful as that sounds. So I've gone NC. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off me.

I hadn't realised how much the drip drip of her nastiness was dragging me down until it was suddenly blissfully quiet. I have zero regrets.

Millionairecakebar · 30/06/2026 20:30

Apply for attendance alloeance, it is not means tested
She can spend it on anything to make her life easier

Cleaner, transport, carers, food, health aids

Millionairecakebar · 30/06/2026 20:28

Suggest

You can get regular medication delivered free by her local pharmacy if you fill out a form.

Dancingsquirrels · 29/06/2026 20:52

I suggest you stop trying to change her

Focus on changing your own reactions

Dancingsquirrels · 29/06/2026 20:43

"New Ways For Families" might interest you. It's an online course to learn how to interact with high conflict people. It teaches some v useful skills

Maybeitllneverhappen · 29/06/2026 20:34

Just come across your post and read all you have said. I suggest you do the same and then it may seem clearer to you that you have nothing to lose by going no contact. Honestly, she sounds horrible and you have suffered enough. Send a final message saying you've had enough and wish her well. Then block her on all devices and ask your husband and kids to do the same. I bet all you'll feel is relief and any guilt will fade. Good luck.

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 29/06/2026 20:19

Can you change your number....? Or tell sister and mum you have a new phone, get an old brick and only check it once a week?

Mary46 · 29/06/2026 19:29

Tigger its hard going and sure nobody works or has anything to be doing!!

Tiggermad · 29/06/2026 18:19

Mary46 · 29/06/2026 17:08

That doesnt work redfish. I tried that. Got text from sister mary Im doing wed. Mam wants tablets collected if you can do it sat. So you sucked back in again ....

I have been sucked back in time and time.
Nothing I ever do would be good enough.
All I will ever face is criticism.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 29/06/2026 17:08

That doesnt work redfish. I tried that. Got text from sister mary Im doing wed. Mam wants tablets collected if you can do it sat. So you sucked back in again ....

redfishcat · 29/06/2026 15:58

You have to stop reacting.
Just send a noted and a thumbs up. And send them again and again.
You are trying to get her to understand and she is just not able to understand

Grey rock and lots of noted and thumbs up.

Mary46 · 29/06/2026 15:45

Hate it too. Threats strops and moods on. Got threatened by Will too. Keep your distance

justasking111 · 29/06/2026 15:11

Tiggermad · 29/06/2026 12:42

Little bit of an update.
So after the message to say she wanted me in her life and was so sorry and no further insults Because of the hot weather last week I checked in her a few times to see if she needed anything.She said no and was out at a Garden centre one of the days. I asked her if she needed shopping she said no it was fine.
I received a message Saturday saying don’t bother messaging if I can’t become the daughter she deserves and should be visiting her.
I replied to say I was out but was finding it hard after how she has treated me.
Again this led to a flurry of insults the next day how I am neglectful, don’t care, never do anything for her.
when I tried to explain how her treatment of me makes me feel she replied ‘ Poor you are you 83’ and ‘well as long as you are ok’ Like it’s ok to treat me anyway because of her age and because of mine I should just accept it. She minimises her behaviour as me deserving it because I neglect her. I explained I am protecting my own wellbeing against insults.
This is never going to end for me until she passes I believe.

Edited

When we were at mother's funeral my brother and I felt a huge feeling of relief when the coffin disappeared behind the curtains. Finally we were free.

Tiggermad · 29/06/2026 14:46

FloofyKat · 29/06/2026 14:15

You’ll always be stuck in this cycle unless you change how you react. Your mother clearly isn’t going to so if you want things to be different and to protect yourself, YOU have to think and act differently.

I know my only option really is to cut contact or not engage in negative messages.

OP posts:
FloofyKat · 29/06/2026 14:15

You’ll always be stuck in this cycle unless you change how you react. Your mother clearly isn’t going to so if you want things to be different and to protect yourself, YOU have to think and act differently.

UncannyFanny · 29/06/2026 13:16

You do sound a bit of a martyr. There’s two people involved in this cycle. Stop letting her back into your life.

CraftyYankee · 29/06/2026 12:58

Why are you defending yourself against the irrational? Grey rock and work on not caring what she thinks about you.

JustAnotherWhinger · 29/06/2026 12:47

Tiggermad · 29/06/2026 12:42

Little bit of an update.
So after the message to say she wanted me in her life and was so sorry and no further insults Because of the hot weather last week I checked in her a few times to see if she needed anything.She said no and was out at a Garden centre one of the days. I asked her if she needed shopping she said no it was fine.
I received a message Saturday saying don’t bother messaging if I can’t become the daughter she deserves and should be visiting her.
I replied to say I was out but was finding it hard after how she has treated me.
Again this led to a flurry of insults the next day how I am neglectful, don’t care, never do anything for her.
when I tried to explain how her treatment of me makes me feel she replied ‘ Poor you are you 83’ and ‘well as long as you are ok’ Like it’s ok to treat me anyway because of her age and because of mine I should just accept it. She minimises her behaviour as me deserving it because I neglect her. I explained I am protecting my own wellbeing against insults.
This is never going to end for me until she passes I believe.

Edited

Sounds like it’s time for you to block her.

You’ve tried, more than many people would.

Tiggermad · 29/06/2026 12:42

Little bit of an update.
So after the message to say she wanted me in her life and was so sorry and no further insults Because of the hot weather last week I checked in her a few times to see if she needed anything.She said no and was out at a Garden centre one of the days. I asked her if she needed shopping she said no it was fine.
I received a message Saturday saying don’t bother messaging if I can’t become the daughter she deserves and should be visiting her.
I replied to say I was out but was finding it hard after how she has treated me.
Again this led to a flurry of insults the next day how I am neglectful, don’t care, never do anything for her.
when I tried to explain how her treatment of me makes me feel she replied ‘ Poor you are you 83’ and ‘well as long as you are ok’ Like it’s ok to treat me anyway because of her age and because of mine I should just accept it. She minimises her behaviour as me deserving it because I neglect her. I explained I am protecting my own wellbeing against insults.
This is never going to end for me until she passes I believe.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 20/06/2026 13:22

Queequeg07 · 20/06/2026 12:40

But do be prepared for a sudden mystery "illness" or "accident" to happen.

OH yes.

I'm going blind = needing eye drops

I've got breast cancer = spot on breast

I've fallen come now = you're drunk (so the paramedics said)

The crises are endless.

In the end none of her family could cope even with strategies in place.

She died last month we did all the right respectful things. A woman berated us before the service that we were awful children. Found out yesterday this woman had inherited everything. And you know what we don't care. She was conned by a canny woman who needed care in her last few years, step up this woman. She deserved the house contents, etc that we wouldn't touch anyway.

Redbushteaforme · 20/06/2026 13:10

JLou08 · 13/06/2026 13:22

I'd limit contact, cut the call or walk away whenever she starts being abusive.
To be blunt, she will likely die in the next decade. How will you feel if that happens and you're no contact with her? If you think you will feel relieved, go ahead and cut contact. If you think you will feel guilt and regret, continue to be in contact but on your terms and be firm with boundaries.

Edited

I am in a similar situation with my mother and I agree totally with the above.

After years of hurt, I decided that I would feel really bad and guilty if I went NC. So I see her on my own terms, do my best for her within limits, and don't engage with any nasty stuff. By and large, it works. Being NC would be much more stressful for me.

However, you need to decide what would work best for you.

Queequeg07 · 20/06/2026 12:40

But do be prepared for a sudden mystery "illness" or "accident" to happen.

SmallTreeDeepRoots · 20/06/2026 12:02

No point in overthinking it because the irrational can’t be rationalised. Just set your boundaries and rules and stick to them. No need to explain them to anyone, just hold the line. Mute messages and check once a week, practical support only, no discussions of other people’s behaviour, being uninterested in diatribes about her suffering, keeping your life private from her, a flat “goodness” in response to all inappropriate behaviour and/or ranting. Whatever you choose, make it simple and stick to it. She will likely try to manipulate you into crossing your line, and once you relent once (like a toddler) she will
know the bullying works.

An apology is nothing - it’s just sounds falling out of her face. Show not tell.

Tiggermad · 20/06/2026 10:29

DotTheBorderCollie · 19/06/2026 23:28

I'd been wondering how you were going Tiggermad.

You don't have to 'do' anything. Of course you can accept her apology if you wish but you don't have to make up (whatever that involves).

Please remember: apologies are easy for people to make because they are only words. Quite often, apologies are used to get another person back into line. If they don't lead to changed behaviour they are actually pretty worthless in the great scheme of things. You can simply say Thank You. That is an example of tit for tat. She says sorry - you say thanks. Don't give any more than you're getting. Don't agonise over it. You don't have to 'make up.' Her reaction to you not over compensating and throwing herself at your feet with gratitude will tell you all you need to know.

Also, the cycle will start again only if you attend the 'party' that she's inviting you to. So have a good think about what you're prepared to do. If you have your strategies and scripts written down somewhere - in your Notes on your phone say - then you can refer to them as necessary. And stick to them. She will throw every trick in the book at you to get you back 'under control.' But you can hold your ground.

I also don't necessarily think as another PP has suggested that you now need to jump in and outline all the errors of her ways. While it is very tempting, that way often lies danger. It uses up a lot of your emotional energy, gives her ammunition to challenge, argue with and and use against you and then she gets to play the victim. Likely she will also recruit your sister or her friends as flying monkeys. I've seen this process play out many times. It's just not worth it. She doesn't want to hear it. You may as well shout into the wind.

Blocking her for periods, as you have done, is very sensible for your mental health. You have a lot of power in this situation. Don't assume you're at a complete loss here. You're an adult now. Ask yourself: what is the worst she could do: tell her friends or your sister that you're a terrible daughter? They're going to think whatever they're going to think. You don't have to react to anything they throw at you.

Guilt is operating here for you very strongly. It's expected that you will feel that guilt - because trust me, you've been strongly trained to by your mother and her allies - but you can also just sit with this discomfort and say to yourself 'that's my childhood training kicking in' and then you can decide to simply not act upon it. You certainly don't have to 'make up' because she's made you feel guilty for not complying with her dictates. Feelings of guilt are 'normal' in dysfunctional families but it doesn't mean they're actually normal in the true sense of the word.

Try not to let her behaviours, no matter how conciliatory they seem on the surface, change your plans going forward. You've actually got this. You have power. She can't ground you anymore.

You DO know what to do - it's just very uncomfortable. That means it's probably right. Remember to stick to your values of having a peaceful life and that will guide you.

Don't be surprised if you holding your line now brings extreme extinction burst behaviours from her: in my own family I've experienced tears, rage from enablers, accusations from relatives and hospitalisations of mother due to 'illness' I have allegedly caused by not falling into line with the matriarchal cult. It can get pretty intense so look after yourself and please keep posting.

Again wonderful insight from yourself and certainly makes me think about how I need to change things going firsts.
“I loved your comment “ you may as well shout into the wind” as that’s what I’ve been doing for 6 years now trying to defend myself..
I also read a comment that when you try to argue back or defend self you are trying to argue with people committed to misunderstanding you. So no matter what you say they will never hear your side.
I did reply to say thank you that the apology and also said I see no way forward currently with this ongoing cycle. Let’s face it she’s not going to change but also she has certain expectations of me that no matter what I do I’ll never live up to. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel forced into being around someone who doesn’t ancknowedge any effort I make.
it is interesting that my Sister came to visit her from 400 miles away Thursday and then apology out of the blue yesterday. I honestly can’t work out why because Sister is a Flying Monkey who changed sides so to speak when DM threatened cutting us out of the will and then colluded to get it changed in her favour. So she won’t be supporting me, maybe she’s worried she will be the target if I’m not around.

OP posts: