AIBU to resent my FIL visiting for lunch every Sunday?

Well no, I wasn't necessarily suggesting this was the case with OP and her FIL. But I was challenging a PPs statement suggesting he was lonely because he was horrible. There are no doubt plenty of horrible people who know lots of similarly horrible people and are therefore not lonely. At the same time I know there are lots of lovely people who, through no fault of their own, are lonely. So to suggest a person is lonely because they are horrible is, actually, quite horrible.

Can you cut it down to every fortnight and in the intervening weeks your DH goes to see him? That will give you a day to yourself every 2 weeks.

He's 88. Let it go, live and let live a little. I would hate for my partner to dictate when my mum comes. If he is a little unbearable, find a reason to keep busy for some or all of the time. It's not like he's there all day and it's just once a week. Sent with kindness, text always comes across a little harsh, I do sympathise tho x

He sounds genuinely lovely and my heart breaks for people in this situation who outlive everyone else around them. But the OP here was pretty clear the FIL in this situation is in no way lovely. He is racist, misogynist, anti-migrant and a homophobe. Just because people are old and might be lonely, it doesn’t mean us women have to overlook all their unkindnesses, and basically accommodate discomfort in the service of not very nice men.

He is lonely because he is a horrible person.

I have to challenge that. The OP's FIL might be a horrible person, and he certainly sounds like he has some horrible views. But lots of people are lonely through no fault of their own. Especially someone of 88 since so many of his contemporaries will have died off.

My lovely FIL died recently at the age of 95. In his day he had loads of friends, a very wide social circle, but at his funeral there was only family. Basically he had outlived everyone he knew. He lived alone since MIL died and I am sure he must have been lonely a lot of the time, despite DH and BIL/ SIL ringing and visiting as often as possible. But he certainly wasn't a horrible person. He was just old.

It's OP's only day off and she would just like to be able to spend it in her own home without a horrible old man spouting racist, sexist and homophobic remarks. She can't stop him having these toxic views but she can make it clear that he can't say these things in front of his grandchildren and, if he won't stop doing this, he won't be welcome in her house.

Product of his time?

My gran is 91. My mother in law is 90.

Neither of them are hateful, racist idiots.

You can make your boundaries perfectly clear on the views he is expressing under your roof.

Just as you behave in a particular way as a host, he needs to behave in a particular way with you as a guest.

Let DH do the cleaning for him.

I said Exactly this. Just leave them to it.

Cheese on toast, made by your dh and a visit for a couple of hours? What's the problem. Just go out as you don't like him.

I wouldn't socialise with him if he's openly misogynist and cannot or will not turn that down in your house once he's been asked/told. Whether you want to ban him from the house, prevail upon DH to take him out or visit him at home rather than hosting him, or just be busy/out when he stops by is up to you.

What is up with cleaning the toilet? Is this just a routine cleaning that becomes time-dependent because of a visitor, or does FIL make a special mess?

We should always be kind to people who spout racism, sexism and misogyny in the presence of young children.

Given FIL is 88 and lonely, I'd remain kind despite his character flaws. But I'd also look at mixing it up a bit, rather than this 'every Sunday' malarkey.

Could your DH and FIL to go for a pub lunch biweekly or once a month? That would give you time and space to do something else sometimes on your day off, if you'd like that.

If you'd rather be with DH on your day off, could he do the roast and clean up biweekly?

But I'd assess if the resentment is not just due to slaving in the kitchen but also just the fact of seeing him every week on your day off - if that's a factor, it may be better to either score some alone time rather than just shift the work load. Or perhaps DH could go out with FIL one evening during the week sometimes instead of having FL over every Sunday. That would give you and DH time and space to spend time together on your day off.

Read the thread. The DH 'cooks' cheese on toast.

You and OH need to decide together how you are going to approach this so you are on the same page and he can communicate this to his father. If it’s always you cooking then I think it’s reasonable to say that OH should be sharing cooking duties. If he insists he likes seeing him every week then you say to him well I will only be doing the cooking once a month (or whatever you would find acceptable) and its up to him what he does with his father the other weeks. And then crack on with whatever you have to do. This might mean you have to sacrifice some Sunday lunches. But it will be worth it. I couldn’t spend as much time as that with someone so offensive. If it wasn’t for the fact he is horrid I’d probably have been telling you to try to suck it up for an elderly man whose probably lonely (although I still wouldn’t be doing all the cooking).
I get the feeling your OH won’t want to cook Sunday lunch three weeks out of the month so the frequency will naturally taper off or he’ll end up making sandwich lunches.

Nope.....i bloody hate this EVERY WEEK! Family or not..its your day off and I can totally see where youre coming from! Its almost become expected of you to accommodate this on a sunday..I would be cheesed off too. Just because someone is elderly doesnt make them a nice person. Some of my hair clients are old amd youd think "aww shame...they dont see anyone' but if you listen to them youd know why...they're bloody horrible

“Unfortunate”?

My parent is also in their 80’s and has never made a sexist, racist or homophobic remark. Because they are not sexist, racist or homophobic. Their values haven’t changed just because they have aged - if anything, they feel more strongly about the godawful state of the world and the authoritarian behaviour of Trump/Musk etc now, and what the grandchildren will be coming into as a world.

Exactly this!!

We need to teach our children to have boundaries and not put up with things that make them feel uncomfortable, especially in their own home.

There are a lot of things that go on in the world that we may be exposed to but the home should always be a safe place.

What if our girls marry men that turn abusive, should they continue living with him just because they took a vow and are now ‘family’?
Of course not.

🙄

What is wrong with young kids being exposed to racism, sexism and misogyny? It is only an hour!

So true. racism, sexism and misogyny are just irritating that's all. Easy to cope with really. Just what young children need!!

It's just an hour.

And entertaining DGF every week whilst he spouts it absolutely ISN'T teaching them that. My kids aren't exposed to that within the safety of their own home, and I'd remove them fro many social situation where they were exposed to it. By the time I lose that control, they'll be older enough to manage it better

Then don't. Leave a toilet brush front and central and tell DH it's his Dad, he can scrub the shit our the bowl or wipe the pee off the lid. Even if you go to pee whilst FIL is there, call your DH to deal with it.

Exactly.

People like this need to be excluded.

No way would I have someone negatively impacting my children.

If DH wants to stay in touch that’s completely up to him but he can go to FILs home, not have him around his children.